gooferie

With only weeks left to go before the election, local environmentalists have raised the alarm about the amount of deforestation caused by the plethora of flyers from state senate candidates Julie Slomski and Dan Laughlin. “We’re very concerned.” said Dr. Eric D. Haffabee, Dean of Environmental Studies at Penn State Behrend. He added, “My graduate students have been out collecting the postcards and our preliminary findings are rather disturbing. We can’t even begin to estimate the trees that have died for these mailings.” 

Gooferie reached out to both candidates. A spokeswoman for the Slomski campaign said the flyers were sourced from a local paper company. “Directly from Hammermill.” When reminded that Hammermill Paper Company is no longer operational the spokeswoman said “Oh, well at least they’re not trees from Presque Isle!” 

A spokesman for the Laughlin campaign said he was unaware of any environmental impact from the mailers. “Danny doesn’t really concern himself with all that save the trees stuff.” said the spokesman. “In any case he plans on doing great stuff with our leftover flyers. We have enough to build a small homeless shelter.”

In a related story, a spokesman at the post office on East 38th Street indicated that the candidates’ mailers have made up 42% of all local mail since September.

Concerned residents Erie’s lower west side are expressing frustration at the growing number of discarded mattresses outside of neighborhood homes. “It’s disgusting.” said local resident Richard Colburn. “Some houses have up to 4 or 5 mattresses stacked up like thick, fetid pancakes on their front lawns. I also blame those Schultz guys with their constant mattress sales.”  Colburn went on to say that Code Enforcement has not responded to his numerous complaints. Gooferie contacted Andy Zimmerman, head of Erie Code Enforcement to see what he had to say about the matter. 

“Yeah, the mattresses.” Zimmerman said. “Always the mattresses. Quite frankly we’re tired of hearing about them. ” When asked how the city planned to deal with the numerous abandoned mattresses, Zimmerman told us that he had a plan in place. 

“We have a plan that is going to save the city a lot of work and money.” he stated. “We are enacting a new ordinance. In order to make these areas more appealing we are going to require that every resident of the lower west side have at least one old mattress placed in front of their home.

Zimmerman said that requiring every residence to put out a mattress will result in a “more uniform appearance which will make the street more pleasant and aesthetically pleasing.” Compliance with this new law must be in place by October 1st, 2020. Otherwise Zimmerman said “We will be forced to, I don’t know, maybe do something, I guess? Like issue a citation or whatever it is we do. Whatever it takes to finally put this issue to bed.”

When asked if there is any flexibility for homeowners Zimmerman responded “Oh certainly. We don’t want to spring this mattress ordinance on anyone. We’re  more than willing to work with citizens. If they cannot find a mattress we will also be accepting old sofas or recliners.”

A woman who lives near Tom Ridge Field is speaking up about the airport’s proposed sale of some residential property.

 Joe Askins, known to dozens as “Superstore Joe,” has announced that he is buying all local television ad time through the end of 2020. “I want everyone in Erie to know that if they’re looking for a Kia, or a Mazda, or a Fiat, or an Alfa Romeo, or an old Kizashi, or an AMC, or a DeSoto, or an off-road vehicle, they can find it at my Superstore.”

Askins is also expanding his weekly Loving Giving Local segment. The program will be a full hour long and will air on Sunday mornings. It will provide a behind-the scenes look at how the charitable endeavor works, starting with Askins inflating the wind machine, and ending with a ten minute segment of just him filling out the oversize check.

Other local advertisers are unhappy at not being able to buy time on local TV stations. John V. Schultz now cannot plug their annual “National Hammock Day” sale happening July 22nd, and Sam Catania Painting will have to wait until 2021 to unveil what a spokesperson called, “our most violent commercial yet.” 

Askins added that his new slogan will be, “I wanna see ya… every 10 minutes.”

The cicada emergence of 2021 has been put on hold, as the cicada community announced today that they are staying underground, wanting nothing to do with 2021. The brood, which has been underground since 2003, has been receiving information from advance scouts since March, according to spokesbug Chester Cigale. Reading from a prepared statement Cigale said, “We in the Cicada Community have been disheartened by recent aboveground events carried out by the human species. Therefore we have decided to postpone our 2021 re – emergence.”
“You humans carry diseases. You’re in the middle of a pandemic, and you can’t even get along well enough to be peaceful.” Cigale stated. “We feel it’s better for us to remain underground and wait until spring of 2022.”
Cigale added, “We cicadas have many different color variations within our community and yet we all manage to get along and work together for the good of the entire society.” Cigale then began burrowing back underground muttering, “and you call us a plague.”

Scientists are warning of a new invasive species encroaching upon the waters of Lake Erie. “They are extremely dangerous.” says Dr. Marlin Gill, marine biologist at Penn State Behrend. Dr. Gill told us that the Piranha Toothed Zebra Mussel is a cause for great concern.
According to Dr. Gill this newly discovered species of mollusk is about 300 times the size of a regular zebra mussel. “But they pack a powerful bite. They will certainly be a grave danger to swimmers, waders, and people near the shoreline.”
In addition to enormous razor sharp teeth, Dr. Gill went on to say that the Piranha Toothed Zebra Mussel is also quite venomous. “They have a compound in their saliva that completely removes a person’s pain threshold.” he told us. “Also they seem to be greatly attracted to the sound of human screaming. One mussel bites and hundreds of others then come to complete the kill.”
Dr. Gill says that Piranha Toothed Zebra Mussels can skin an adult human in less than 15 minutes. “Unfortunately they seem to enjoy the process so they tend to drag it out for considerably longer.”
When asked the source of this mollusk invasion Dr. Gill says it has not yet been determined. “We have it narrowed down to Michigan, Canada or Asia.” He told us he would get back to us with that information after consulting with “Marine biologists at the real Penn State. You know. The main campus.”

Local ice fisherman Chris Geddes has vowed not to give up on ice fishing this season, even as Erie continues to experience an above average temperature winter. “We still might get a late winter freeze,” said Geddes, who is a fourth generation ice fisherman. “My father used to take me out on the bay, just as his father took him; all the way back to my great-grandfather, who tragically froze to death during the winter of 1903.”
Geddes takes his truck out to Presque Isle every weekend, hoping to see a coating of ice thick enough to support him and his auger and what he calls his “lucky bucket.” “The water just isn’t cold enough, so I’ve been bringing trays of ice cubes from home and tossing them in the water. So far, it hasn’t done much good.”
He’ll be the last Geddes to ice fish, as his son doesn’t want anything to do with sitting on an overturned five gallon bucket freezing to death. “My son thinks it’s just sitting out there all day while the wind and the snow whip around. But there’s so much more to it.” When asked specifically what more there is to it, Geddes paused for a moment, and then admitted he couldn’t think of anything.

Local rich lady Delores Kostara, who owns an expensive house on Lake Erie, is requesting that taxpayers pay to have the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers somehow reroute Lake Erie so she can continue to enjoy the beautiful sunsets. Kostara says the Army Corps of Engineers should drop all their other projects, and focus their efforts on preserving her shoreline abode. “I think they could take the money from the Presque Isle sand replenishment program and divert it to my house. I know tourism is important, but so are my sunsets,” said Kostara.
When asked if taxpayers might harbor some resentment contributing to save her private beach, Kostara said, “I think people will be heartened to know that some of their hard earned money will be going to ensure I’ll be able to sip lemonade on my deck and enjoy a view of Lake Erie most people can only dream of.”
Kostara’s heartbreaking story will be featured on tonight’s local news, right after a story of a family of four who lost everything they had in a fire.