Prince Charming Charged With Sexual Harassment

In shocking news several princesses have come forward with the claim that Prince Charming, heir apparent to the throne,  has sexually harassed them. No princess has been publicly identified but the reports are coming in from all throughout the kingdom. “He stalked me.” said one unnamed young woman. “I lost a shoe at one of his parties trying to escape his advances.” Two separate women have accused the prince of kissing them without consent while they were in a deep slumber. “I had just eaten an apple” said one of the women.  ”I wanted to take a little nap in my glass coffin. I was not even awake when he started kissing me.” Yet another woman has come forward with the claim that Prince Charming “Pulled my hair so hard that he was able to use it as a climbing rope.” More on this story as information becomes available.

Persinger to use Campaign Vehicle as Food Truck

persingerfdtrckAfter being defeated in the Erie mayoral race, John Persinger has decided to go into business as a food vendor, using the RV from his campaign.

The vehicle. which was seen around town during the mayoral campaign, has been converted in to a food truck, and will provide a variety of menu items – including some with an Erie theme:

The Schemburger – a hamburger with wilted lettuce on an old bun.

The Sinnott Platter – a chunk of bologna that just sits there on the plate.

The Snowbelt Sno-Cone which has 1-2 inches of flavored ice in the city, 2-4 inches south of I-90.

The Ultimate Erie Sandwich – a Smith’s hot dog covered in Greek sauce on a pepperoni ball served ala mode with Blue Moon ice cream.

The food truck will be based at the now empty lot at 4th and Poplar, but will travel to all parts of the county except the city’s lower east side.

 

Granada Apartments to be Duct Taped Back Together

tapeRepair work will begin soon on the dilapidated Granada Apartments as a truckload of duct tape was delivered on Thursday. Project Manager Robert Harrison says “We figure 5,000 rolls of duct tape ought to do it. We’ll use regular strength on the walls, roofs, and floors, and heavy-duty strength on the balconies.”

The property was purchased at a Sheriff’s sale this past summer by Granada Apartment Holdings LLC, and the new owners say they will spare no expense getting the remaining buildings up to code. “We want prospective tenants to know that we are not going to cut corners by using an off-brand duct tape. It’s strictly name brand,” said Harrison.

“We estimate the work will take six months to complete,” said Harrison. “It will be quicker if we get on a roll. Get it? Roll? Because duct tape comes in rolls…” He then looked down at his feet and slowly walked away.

 

Bishop Reminds Catholic Women To “Know Their Place”

In a statement released by the Diocese of Erie today, Bishop Lawrence Persico has announced the distribution of hairshirts and chastity belts for local Catholic women. “Apart from the lady who cleans my residence and cooks my food I have never really had the experience of relating to women on a personal level. However, I do know that they are sinful creatures.” said Persico. “The Bible says as much.” He went on to say that he was deeply concerned that the female members of his diocese “are voicing their opinions too much. They are fornicating for pleasure and worse, they are using birth control. I think some of them even think they are equal to men in God’s eyes. We can’t allow that.” The Bishop has personally asked the Vatican to send him a few thousand cilices and chastity belts from their warehouse.  “They will be arriving in time for Sunday mass at St. Peter’s Cathedral” he said. “After communion I will personally distribute them to every good Catholic woman in our parish. And I will make sure that their husbands are given the keys to the belts.”

Glenwood Residents Concerned Common People Will Rent Neighborhood House

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Members of the Glenwood Association are expressing concern that a house in their neighborhood is being rented out to people who can’t afford to buy a house there.

“This is very unsettling,” said Glenwood resident Ron Cokun, “You should see some of the cars these renters are driving. Not one Mercedes or BMW – and some of the cars are over three years old!”

Peeking out her window as a car pulled into the driveway of the house in question, neighborhood resident Paula McMorris said, “You can tell by just looking at their hands that these people do manual labor for a living. My parents didn’t give me every advantage in life so I could live in a neighborhood with people like that!”

Board member Tom C. Baldt agreed, “There are other parts of the city where these renters would feel more comfortable, being around their own kind. Why can’t they go there?”

The Glenwood Association plans a meeting next week to address the issue. “We’re thinking of building a wall,” said Baldt. “I can’t risk having my children encounter regular people while they’re playing in the yard.” Baldt then grabbed his camera to photograph a man ringing the doorbell at his next-door neighbor’s house. “I think it’s just my neighbor’s brother, but you can never be too careful.”

 

Purple Plumed Piping Plover at Peninsula

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The peculiar Purple Plumed Piping Plover has popped up at the Peninsula.

Birder Penny Potter participated in a picnic on the Peninsula where she purported to peer at the Purple Plumed Piping Plover perched on the parched, pristine powder at Presque Isle near Gull Point.

Potter had paused at a pine when she peeked at the Purple Plumed Piping Plover pecking patiently at a plum. “Perhaps it’s playing; or possibly proving its pulchritude to a Purple Plumed Piping Plover of the female persuasion,” pondered Potter.

Potter proclaimed that she is planning a Purple Plumed Piping Plover party and hopes plenty of people will pop by and partake of popcorn, potato chips and Pepsi to praise the prestigious plover’s appearance at the popular park.

ERCGP Head Says Removing Child Labor Laws Will Attract Business

childlabor-12Erie Regional Chamber and Growth Partnership, reeling after county council axed their proposal to make Erie County a right to work area, is now offering what they say is an even better way to attract more businesses to the Erie community. “This is our best idea yet!” said Jake Rouch, vice president of the Chamber. “We are asking for a repeal of Erie County’s outdated child labor laws.”

Rouch went on to explain, “The industrial revolution was a fantastic time in our nation’s economy for business owners. No unions, no workers whining about 12-hour shifts or poor working conditions. We can bring prosperity like that back here to Erie!” Rouch claims the benefits of child labor are numerous. “You can make kids work long hours for little to no wages. They don’t need worker’s comp because, you know, kids are resilient and heal quickly from workplace injuries. What CEO would not love that? It’s win – win!”

When asked what other plans the Chamber had going forward Rouch shook his head and responded “Gosh. I really don’t know. You got any ideas? I mean I’ve been racking my brain for a long time and the city’s really in the dumper here.”

 

 

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