City To Address Increase In Lawn Mattresses

Concerned residents Erie’s lower west side are expressing frustration at the growing number of discarded mattresses outside of neighborhood homes. “It’s disgusting.” said local resident Richard Colburn. “Some houses have up to 4 or 5 mattresses stacked up like thick, fetid pancakes on their front lawns. I also blame those Schultz guys with their constant mattress sales.”  Colburn went on to say that Code Enforcement has not responded to his numerous complaints. Gooferie contacted Andy Zimmerman, head of Erie Code Enforcement to see what he had to say about the matter

“Yeah, the mattresses.” Zimmerman said. “Always the mattresses. Quite frankly we’re tired of hearing about them. ” When asked how the city planned to deal with the numerous abandoned mattresses, Zimmerman told us that he had a plan in place. 

“We have a plan that is going to save the city a lot of work and money.” he stated. “We are enacting a new ordinance. In order to make these areas more appealing we are going to require that every resident of the lower west side have at least one old mattress placed in front of their home.

Zimmerman said that requiring every residence to put out a mattress will result in a “more uniform appearance which will make the street more pleasant and aesthetically pleasing.” Compliance with this new law must be in place by October 1st, 2020. Otherwise Zimmerman said “We will be forced to, I don’t know, maybe do something, I guess? Like issue a citation or whatever it is we do. Whatever it takes to finally put this issue to bed.”

When asked if there is any flexibility for homeowners Zimmerman responded “Oh certainly. We don’t want to spring this mattress ordinance on anyone. We’re  more than willing to work with citizens. If they cannot find a mattress we will also be accepting old sofas or recliners.”

Local Erie Mom Speaks Out Against Governor Wolf’s Mask Mandate

Neighbor Opposes Erie Airport Land Sale

A woman who lives near Tom Ridge Field is speaking up about the airport’s proposed sale of some residential property.

Superstore Joe to Buy All Local Airtime Through End of Year

 Joe Askins, known to dozens as “Superstore Joe,” has announced that he is buying all local television ad time through the end of 2020. “I want everyone in Erie to know that if they’re looking for a Kia, or a Mazda, or a Fiat, or an Alfa Romeo, or an old Kizashi, or an AMC, or a DeSoto, or an off-road vehicle, they can find it at my Superstore.”

Askins is also expanding his weekly Loving Giving Local segment. The program will be a full hour long and will air on Sunday mornings. It will provide a behind-the scenes look at how the charitable endeavor works, starting with Askins inflating the wind machine, and ending with a ten minute segment of just him filling out the oversize check.

Other local advertisers are unhappy at not being able to buy time on local TV stations. John V. Schultz now cannot plug their annual “National Hammock Day” sale happening July 22nd, and Sam Catania Painting will have to wait until 2021 to unveil what a spokesperson called, “our most violent commercial yet.” 

Askins added that his new slogan will be, “I wanna see ya… every 10 minutes.”

Cicadas Postpone 2020 Re – emergence

The cicada emergence of 2020 has been put on hold, as the cicada community announced today that they are staying underground, wanting nothing to do with 2020. The brood, which has been underground since 2003, has been receiving information from advance scouts since March, according to spokesbug Chester Cigale. Reading from a prepared statement Cigale said, “We in the Cicada Community have been disheartened by recent aboveground events carried out by the human species. Therefore we have decided to postpone our 2020 re – emergence.”
“You humans carry diseases. You’re in the middle of a pandemic, and you can’t even get along well enough to be peaceful.” Cigale stated. “We feel it’s better for us to remain underground and wait until spring of 2021.”
Cigale added, “We cicadas have many different color variations within our community and yet we all manage to get along and work together for the good of the entire society.” Cigale then began burrowing back underground muttering, “and you call us a plague.”

Scientists Warn Of Clamdemic

Scientists are warning of a new invasive species encroaching upon the waters of Lake Erie. “They are extremely dangerous.” says Dr. Marlin Gill, marine biologist at Penn State Behrend. Dr. Gill told us that the Piranha Toothed Zebra Mussel is a cause for great concern.
According to Dr. Gill this newly discovered species of mollusk is about 300 times the size of a regular zebra mussel. “But they pack a powerful bite. They will certainly be a grave danger to swimmers, waders, and people near the shoreline.”
In addition to enormous razor sharp teeth, Dr. Gill went on to say that the Piranha Toothed Zebra Mussel is also quite venomous. “They have a compound in their saliva that completely removes a person’s pain threshold.” he told us. “Also they seem to be greatly attracted to the sound of human screaming. One mussel bites and hundreds of others then come to complete the kill.”
Dr. Gill says that Piranha Toothed Zebra Mussels can skin an adult human in less than 15 minutes. “Unfortunately they seem to enjoy the process so they tend to drag it out for considerably longer.”
When asked the source of this mollusk invasion Dr. Gill says it has not yet been determined. “We have it narrowed down to Michigan, Canada or Asia.” He told us he would get back to us with that information after consulting with “Marine biologists at the real Penn State. You know. The main campus.”

Anti – Quarantine Protester at Perry Square

Ice Fisherman Not Giving Up Just Yet

Local ice fisherman Chris Geddes has vowed not to give up on ice fishing this season, even as Erie continues to experience an above average temperature winter. “We still might get a late winter freeze,” said Geddes, who is a fourth generation ice fisherman. “My father used to take me out on the bay, just as his father took him; all the way back to my great-grandfather, who tragically froze to death during the winter of 1903.”
Geddes takes his truck out to Presque Isle every weekend, hoping to see a coating of ice thick enough to support him and his auger and what he calls his “lucky bucket.” “The water just isn’t cold enough, so I’ve been bringing trays of ice cubes from home and tossing them in the water. So far, it hasn’t done much good.”
He’ll be the last Geddes to ice fish, as his son doesn’t want anything to do with sitting on an overturned five gallon bucket freezing to death. “My son thinks it’s just sitting out there all day while the wind and the snow whip around. But there’s so much more to it.” When asked specifically what more there is to it, Geddes paused for a moment, and then admitted he couldn’t think of anything.

Rich Lady Wants Taxpayers to Save Her House from Lake Erie

Local rich lady Delores Kostara, who owns an expensive house on Lake Erie, is requesting that taxpayers pay to have the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers somehow reroute Lake Erie so she can continue to enjoy the beautiful sunsets. Kostara says the Army Corps of Engineers should drop all their other projects, and focus their efforts on preserving her shoreline abode. “I think they could take the money from the Presque Isle sand replenishment program and divert it to my house. I know tourism is important, but so are my sunsets,” said Kostara.
When asked if taxpayers might harbor some resentment contributing to save her private beach, Kostara said, “I think people will be heartened to know that some of their hard earned money will be going to ensure I’ll be able to sip lemonade on my deck and enjoy a view of Lake Erie most people can only dream of.”
Kostara’s heartbreaking story will be featured on tonight’s local news, right after a story of a family of four who lost everything they had in a fire.

AKC To Recognize Coyotes

The American Kennel Club announced today that they will now allow coyotes to be registered as a dog breed. AKC spokesman Perry De SanBernardo said that coyotes are now found in great numbers in all states. “It just made sense to recognize them as an individual breed so that they can be exhibited in all major dog shows across America.” De SanBernardo further stated that the AKC expects coyote registrations to go through the roof. “This will be very profitable for us.”

This announcement came just a week before the annual Westminster Dog Show in Manhattan. The first registered coyotes will be exhibited there. De SanBernardo said that the AKC’s official recognition of the coyotes also deemed the necessary addition of a new group under which they can be shown. “We couldn’t really fit them into the sporting, working, toy or terrier group.” he told us. “So we established a new group – the Hunted Group,” adding that the AKC Hunted Group will eventually include other varieties of wild canines such as wolves, jackals, and dingoes. Dingoes will be divided into two categories; baby eating and non-baby eating.

When asked what the future holds for coyotes now that they are registrable, De SanBernardo said “The usual trajectory that comes with recognizing a dog breed. Different coat colors, some inbreeding and probably an eventual miniaturization into a ridiculously small teacup size.”

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