Advertisements

Local Improvement Groups to Merge, As if That Will Help

Eriegroupslogos1

Following a lengthy meeting at a vacant lot somewhere on Parade Street, Erie’s numerous improvement groups have decided to merge into one unified group.  Going forward, this new group will be known as “The DevelopErie Innovation District Regional Growth Partnership Greater Erie Downtown Development Corporation Refocused 2040.” The organization’s new spokesperson Cecil Sparkmeyer says he imagines a smooth transition as everyone will work together for the betterment of our city. “We will be continuing the fine work that has already been started by the separate groups,” said Sparkmeyer. He added, “Basically, we plan on making many overly enthusiastic local news appearances talking about Erie’s bright future. Beyond that, well, I don’t know really. Maybe form some committees or something.”  Sparkmeyer added that he will continue to lead the new group until he finds a better job in another city.

 

Erie Times-News Shrinks Yet Again

ErieValNews
GateHouse Media, the out-of-town owners of the Erie Times-News, has announced its acquisition of the Valpak Company. The two Erie businesses will merge into a single product called the Erie Val-News.

Effective May 1, readers will receive their newspaper in those familiar blue envelopes mailed directly to homes in the tri-state area. Individual coupons, mixed in with traditional Valpak deals, will contain national and local news articles, the sports section, and one coupon for comics – with the exception of “Rex Morgan, M.D.”, which will have its own individual coupon because, well, obviously …

The media conglomerate’s statement, released yesterday, reads in full:

“Gatehouse is committed to continuing its proud tradition of acquiring, then sucking the life-blood out of once-vital local newspapers. Now, in addition to state-of-the-art articles by our veteran team of two interns and Pat Howard, the Erie Val-News will offer fantastic savings on pizza and tree stump removal services. A reader checking for, say, Aunt Kimberly’s viewing hours will also have the opportunity to pick up a great deal on garage door openers. Any questions? No? Great! … Oh, and by the way, your town is adorable!”

Gooferie contacted the Erie Times-News for comment, but no one was there.

 

Erie Coke to Add Scents to Harmful Benzene Emissions

eriecoke

Responding to complaints from lower eastside residents, the oft-fined Erie Coke plant has decided to add pleasant scents to mask the unpleasant odor from the benzene emissions. According to Erie Coke Spokesperson Bob Gerunkel, the scents will change often.

“We understand that the odor can sometimes be off-putting, so starting in spring, we will add floral scents to the smoke – much like incense, or potpourri. The first scent will be lilac – starting April 30th,” said Gerunkel.

When asked if the new scents will mean less danger to those who breathe the air, Gerunkel replied,
“No. Oh, no. No. No. No. Not in the least.”

“Our position is that residents of the lower east side who complain about the emissions are simply taking too deep a breath of air. We would ask them to try and work with us by taking shorter breaths.”

Erie Coke also plans a series of “Throwback Scents” that will run every Thursday during the summer, beginning with the odor named “Hammermill -1975” on June 27th.

For a schedule of the scents, Gerunkel encourages all concerned citizens to check out Erie Coke’s Facebook page, providing they can stop coughing long enough to correctly type in the web address.

Coyote Who Helped Waffles Upset At Not Getting Any Credit

alan-emery-463781-unsplash
In an exclusive interview Gooferie is hearing from Presque Isle coyote “Peninsula Pete” about his role in assisting Corgi puppy Waffles though his 60 hour ordeal. Last Sunday Waffles went missing after wandering on to the icy breakwaters of Lake Erie. Waffles endured more than two days and nights of frigid cold until he was found on Tuesday evening. “Yeah well he didn’t endure all that on his own.” said Pete, an Eastern Coyote and longtime resident of Presque Isle State Park. “Me and my pack helped the little guy.” When asked to elaborate Pete said he first noticed Waffles struggling on the ice late Sunday evening. “We go out on the ice a lot.” said Pete. “Lots of critters get stuck on the ice this time of year and well…you know…easy meal for us.” Pete went on to say that he and his pack led Waffles off the frozen lake. “We said he could hang with us for a while. I mean just because he’s Welsh doesn’t mean a fellow canine can’t lend a helping paw, right? I have nothing against immigrants.” Pete continued to say that he made sure Waffles was safe and warm. “But we couldn’t keep him with us forever so we led him to the road where his humans could find him.” Pete then expressed his disappointment at receiving no press, thanks or recognition for his role in helping Waffles. “All we’re hearing now is Waffles, Waffles, Waffles.” said Pete. “We yotes always get the shaft.” Gooferie reached out to Waffles for a comment. We did not hear from Waffles directly but his publicist told us that Waffles has nothing to say on this subject at the present time. “He just wants everyone to know that he loves you all, thanks you for your support and will not let this new found celebrity go to his head. He will be the same humble, adorable, brave, awesome little Corgi that he has always been.”

Crapload Of People Running For Harborcreek Supervisor

HcreekMall

A whole bunch of people will be running for Harborcreek Supervisor in the coming term. The current supervisor, a guy who we think is named Joe, is apparently leaving the position and will not be seeking re-election. Many candidates are throwing their hats into the ring to fill the vacant seat. We’re not sure how many but it looks to be about 5 or 6. We can confirm that one of them is named Bob. When asked what they can bring to the supervisor job each candidate blathered on about how they are extremely qualified to serve the Harborcreek community. It is unclear what the Harborcreek supervisor actually supervises. Harborcreek itself is a county or township or borough somewhere in east Erie, PA. It is well known for being the location of a now defunct but rather quaint little mall.

Local Man to Host Drug Drop Off Event

AA01

People who have unused, unwanted or expired medications can dispose of them Friday by taking them to “Dan”, who will be collecting them free of charge.

“Dan”, no address listed, is collecting unwanted medication from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. on the southeast corner of 10th and Peach. There is no charge for the collection, which is being done in support of National Prescription Drug Take Back Day.

Medications must be in their original containers and personal information on vials should be concealed. People can also take nonprescription and over-the-counter medications.

Officially, no illegal substances, needles or other medical devices will be accepted, but “Dan” says he will work with you on that.

 

Jesus Christ Cuts Ties With Pennsylvania Catholic Churches

shutterstock_319926905

The central figurehead of Christianity has announced that He is severing ties with all churches in the Dioceses of Pennsylvania. “I just can’t anymore with these guys.” Jesus said earlier today. The Incarnation of God the Son expressed frustration with the PA Grand Jury’s recent revelatory reports. “They use my name all the time “ He said with obvious disgust.  “But these sick bastards and the jerks that protected them do not represent me or my teachings at all.” Jesus went on to say “If I had a shekel for every time I gave these deplorable old men the chance to do the right thing and they didn’t, I’d be a very wealthy messiah.”  When asked specifically about Erie’s list of abusers, Jesus sighed and shook his head. “Oh yeah.” He said. “The Diocese of Erie has been on my shitlist for a very long time. Especially since the whole Garvey thing. I mean that dude was one evil SOB. And the people who protected that pervert? Well, let’s just say they won’t be meeting ME in the afterlife.”

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.