Glenwood Residents Concerned Common People Will Rent Neighborhood House


Members of the Glenwood Association are expressing concern that a house in their neighborhood is being rented out to people who can’t afford to buy a house there.

“This is very unsettling,” said Glenwood resident Ron Cokun, “You should see some of the cars these renters are driving. Not one Mercedes or BMW – and some of the cars are over three years old!”

Peeking out her window as a car pulled into the driveway of the house in question, neighborhood resident Paula McMorris said, “You can tell by just looking at their hands that these people do manual labor for a living. My parents didn’t give me every advantage in life so I could live in a neighborhood with people like that!”

Board member Tom C. Baldt agreed, “There are other parts of the city where these renters would feel more comfortable, being around their own kind. Why can’t they go there?”

The Glenwood Association plans a meeting next week to address the issue. “We’re thinking of building a wall,” said Baldt. “I can’t risk having my children encounter regular people while they’re playing in the yard.” Baldt then grabbed his camera to photograph a man ringing the doorbell at his next-door neighbor’s house. “I think it’s just my neighbor’s brother, but you can never be too careful.”


Purple Plumed Piping Plover at Peninsula


The peculiar Purple Plumed Piping Plover has popped up at the Peninsula.

Birder Penny Potter participated in a picnic on the Peninsula where she purported to peer at the Purple Plumed Piping Plover perched on the parched, pristine powder at Presque Isle near Gull Point.

Potter had paused at a pine when she peeked at the Purple Plumed Piping Plover pecking patiently at a plum. “Perhaps it’s playing; or possibly proving its pulchritude to a Purple Plumed Piping Plover of the female persuasion,” pondered Potter.

Potter proclaimed that she is planning a Purple Plumed Piping Plover party and hopes plenty of people will pop by and partake of popcorn, potato chips and Pepsi to praise the prestigious plover’s appearance at the popular park.

ERCGP Head Says Removing Child Labor Laws Will Attract Business

childlabor-12Erie Regional Chamber and Growth Partnership, reeling after county council axed their proposal to make Erie County a right to work area, is now offering what they say is an even better way to attract more businesses to the Erie community. “This is our best idea yet!” said Jake Rouch, vice president of the Chamber. “We are asking for a repeal of Erie County’s outdated child labor laws.”

Rouch went on to explain, “The industrial revolution was a fantastic time in our nation’s economy for business owners. No unions, no workers whining about 12-hour shifts or poor working conditions. We can bring prosperity like that back here to Erie!” Rouch claims the benefits of child labor are numerous. “You can make kids work long hours for little to no wages. They don’t need worker’s comp because, you know, kids are resilient and heal quickly from workplace injuries. What CEO would not love that? It’s win – win!”

When asked what other plans the Chamber had going forward Rouch shook his head and responded “Gosh. I really don’t know. You got any ideas? I mean I’ve been racking my brain for a long time and the city’s really in the dumper here.”



Kishka Stolen, Zabawa on Lockdown

kISZKAPOSTEROfficials at the Zabawa Polish festival are frantically searching for the kishka, which was presumed stolen earlier today. The missing link was described as “round and firm” as well as “fully packed.” It was last seen hanging on the rack.

Zabawa spokesperson Zbigniew Piędziesięciogroszówka said the kishka, which is a sausage made from a combination of meat and grain, disappeared shortly after the festival opened.  “We are currently on lockdown, and will leave no stone unturned, and no accordion case unchecked for the missing kishka,” said Piędziesięciogroszówka as he peered into a tuba with a flashlight.

“It wouldn’t have bothered me so much if they took the shinka, or the fine kielbasa, or even the pierogis, but I wish they would give back the kishka,” said Piędziesięciogroszówka.

UPDATE: In a late development, Piędziesięciogroszówka has just announced that Jasiu has found the kishka, and has brought it back.

Erie’s Sister Cities to Rescind Sibling Status


In a joint statement, Erie’s four sister cities have announced that they are ending their familial relationship with Erie, at least for the time being.
The four sister cities: Zibo, China; Lublin, Poland; Merida, Mexico; and Dungarvan, Ireland made the announcement after seeing recent stories coming out of Erie about job losses, drug overdoses, and crime.
“Every family has issues, but we feel that our sister Erie is not doing anything to help herself, and we can only do so much as we are so far away.” said Sheila MacColl, spokeswoman for the sister cities.
The four cities do want Erie to know that they still care for it, and are willing to accept Erie back into the family if it can improve its circumstances.

Mayor Tullio presents Proclamation to Commodore Perry

Perry and Lou!

Dateline September 21, 1818, Erie, Pennsylvania

The Hon. Louis Tullio, Mayor of our fair city, granted a proclamation to Commodore Oliver Hazard Perry, to honor him for his heroics in the Battle of Lake Erie five years previous. Commodore Perry was visiting the city from his home in Newport, Rhode Island.

The mayor, currently in his second term, also presented the Commodore with the key to the city and two drink tokens from the Dickson Tavern.

Not all in attendance were pleased with the Mayor’s action. A young man in a fedora named Mario Bagnoni chided the mayor, saying that he could do a better job as mayor and would be running against Tullio next election.

“Now I’m off to Central America and shall return to the United States in a short time,” said Perry, adding, “unless I get Yellow Fever down there, ha ha”; a remark that elicited hearty  chortles from the crowd.


Millcreek Community Hospital to Open Bloodletting and Leeching Department

MCHStoryPicMillcreek Community Hospital has announced the grand opening of their new Leeching and Bloodletting Department. This new wing will be located within the current facility on Peach Street.  Hospital spokesman Ross Sewitch says “We here at Millcreek Community realized the need to expand patient care in order to become more competitive with Erie’s two legitimate hospitals.”  Sewitch went on to say that the leeches will be locally sourced directly from Mill Creek which runs just outside the facility and that the bloodletting equipment will be sterilized “every so often.” When asked what conditions will be treated by the new department, Sewitch answered “Oh you name it; cholera, consumption, rickets, dropsy.”  Sewitch went to say that, “No other healthcare facility in this area has this kind of service.  Does Hamot have the right equipment to cure scurvy? Can St. Vincent’s stop bubonic plague in its tracks? I don’t think so.”


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