PennDOT has announced that the plans for the proposed roundabout at State Street and the Bayfront Parkway will feature a Monkey Island.

“The public has been…shall we say; less than enthusiastic about these plans. So we thought drivers should have something fun to watch as they navigate the roundabout,” said PennDOT spokesperson Sarah Tudzin. 

Concerned citizens are worried about potential hazards. “What about the smell?” asked downtown resident Jim Ellison. “Can you imagine what it will be like in the middle of summer, with the monkey odor combining with all the rotting fish?” 

PennDOT also announced they are working on new traffic signs that will warn drivers to be on the lookout for feces that may be lobbed at their cars by the monkeys. “You may want to keep your windows rolled up while in the roundabout,” said Tudzin. “Especially if the monkeys are really grouchy and just had a big meal.”

Some members of Erie City Council are speaking out today after members of the public were reportedly locked out of a County Council meeting. “Why doesn’t that ever happen to us?” said one City Council member. This member refused to give her first name but asked us to refer to her as “President Liz”.  “I have the gavel.” she told us. “But no matter how many times I bang it, the speakers keep talking. Nobody respects the gavel anymore.”

Another member, who also declined to give his name but called himself “Eddie B.” agreed. “Yap yap yap.” he told us. “We generously give them, what is it? Two minutes or something, I dunno. But they never shut their pieholes. Like a bunch of old women.”  He went on to say that the citizens who speak at City Council meetings are “…always droning on and on about the same stuff. Blah, blah funding, blah blah safety. “

Both anonymous Council members concurred with each other. President Liz said “ It would just be better to leave the public out of this and let us do our thing.” Eddie B. told us “It’s amazing how many of these folks think we actually listen to them. I don’t even listen to my fellow Council members. Especially the girls.” 

On that one point President Liz disagreed with Eddie B. “Oh he has to listen to me now. I may have struggled to wrestle it out of his grip but I do have the gavel!”

The latest installment of “Yoga At The Erie Zoo” will be Rhinoceros Yoga. Erie Zoo officials  are hoping that this 3rd attempt at yoga with the animals will be successful.

“We tested out Polar Bear Yoga and that did not go as planned. We’re still settling lawsuits. Spider Monkey Yoga was also a disaster.”

“Those little bastards stole our mats, our purses and Velda’s upper plate.” said one participant who did not want to give her name for fear of retaliation. “That one monkey with the squiffy eye pointed a finger at me, put it to his lips and then drew it across his neck.”

“Third time’s the charm.” zoo officials told us. “With the popularity of goat yoga we’re confident that Rhino Yoga will be a hit.”

Last week Frontier Park announced the closing of their super cool giant slides. According to Brandon Gool, assistant Public Works Director, the rad slides are now indefinitely shut down “Because of a few bonehead kids. I mean these rugrats weren’t even sliding properly.”

Gool went on to say, “Apparently a 40-foot slide is considered too ‘giant’ for these little wussies.”

Rolling his eyes, Gool continued. “A small number of these puny overly coddled eejits have no clue how to navigate a tall metal slide. Unfortunately, they were born well after the closing of Funtown.”

According to Gool, the problem was compounded by “Inattentive parents who were too busy on their cellphones to properly supervise their young nimrods. These whiners threatened a lawsuit and here we are.”

“It’s such a waste.” he sighed. “Always a shame when a few dunces have to ruin the fun for everyone else. Because let’s face it. Those slides are totally awesome!”

Due to the success of the animal feeding exhibits, and knowing a child’s natural
curiosity and affinity for all things poop related, the Erie Zoo has announced a
special program that will allow children ages 3-8 to view the animals when nature
calls.
Tentatively called Zoo Poo, the program will take place one to three hours after
feeding time, depending on the animal. “We got the idea from seeing how many
children’s books there are about poop,” said interim zoo spokesperson Amanda
Baer. “We think this will be big business, pun intended.”
Zane Lyon, caretaker of the rhinoceroses, thinks the children will be delighted.
“We call Bumper the rhino ‘Old Faithful.’ Exactly one hour after 50 pounds of
cabbage goes in, 46 pounds goes out.”
Baer is stressing that this program is for children ages 3-8 only. “As we’ve had to
explain to hundreds of callers, this exhibit is solely for children.”

A recent post that was shared in the Lorain Ohio Facebook group caused quite a panic when it showed a group of sharks purported to be in Lake Erie. The Ohio Division of Wildlife was quick to debunk the photograph. They claimed the picture was actually taken in Puerto Rico and that there are no sharks in Lake Erie.

Gooferie spoke to Penn State Behrend marine biologist, Dr. Marlin Gill, to clarify this potentially dangerous issue. Dr. Gill examined the photograph and gave us his expert opinion.

“I looked at the picture with a magnifying glass.” he told us “We don’t have the budget for a microscope. But it doesn’t take a high powered lens for me to say that the photograph in question was definitely taken on the shores of our very own Lake Erie.

Dr. Gill disagreed with the finding of the Ohio Division of Wildlife. “I mean they’re from Ohio.” he said. “What do they know? Erie is in Pennsylvania.”

Dr. Gill explained that several great white sharks swam through the St. Lawrence Seaway about 6 years ago. “I have been observing them. Somehow they acclimated to the lack of salinity and established a breeding population.”

He went on to say that sharks have also become accustomed to cold temperatures. “What I’ve discovered is that the freezing water actually makes them bigger and stronger.” Dr. Gill is currently writing a thesis on Lake Erie’s Freshwater Great White Shark Population. “It’s gonna be big.” he tells us. “Career changing. I might even move up to the main campus! The REAL Penn State University. Microscope here I come! Oh, yes, and be careful out there. Sharks are deadly.”

Mr. William Patoot, Vice President of Academics and Student Affairs at Cathedral Prep/villa has
announced the relaxation of some academic standards for incoming Villa students. “We here at Prep thought this issue should be addressed before the merger between the two schools next school year.” Patoot told us.
He added that not all classes will drop their previously stringent requirements. “Just math and science, of course. We don’t want to be sexist here. Just sensitive to the needs of these girls.” Patoot said that honors math and science will still be available for the boys. “The young ladies will be required to take remedial math and science classes. Some of our more advanced senior boys will be available for tutoring. We want to keep the playing field level.”
Mr. Patoot stated that he wanted to make sure that the Villa girls will be welcomed at Cathedral Prep. “We may have a reputation as a bit of an old school boys club.” he said “But that is simply not true. “After all, Our Lady the Virgin Mary is the Queen of Prep. Would we have elected a female queen if we weren’t accepting of women?”
Cathedral Prep has also announced the addition of several home economic classes such as sewing ,
cooking and parenting. When asked if the young boys will be required to take these classes Patoot
responded “What? No!”

The EDDC announced today that the departing Food Hall vendors will be replaced with “snack tables”. John Persinger, head of the Erie Downtown Development Corporation, assured Gooferie that the loss of Lucky Louie’s and “that bakery…I forget what it was called…” is not a bad sign that the State Street food court is in any danger of closing. 

“Food halls are always evolving.” he told us. “This has allowed us to be innovative. We have decided to replace these sellers with snack bars, if you will.”

Persinger explained his plans for this new area of the Food Hall. “Basically, we will set up a table. On this table will be a bowl of snacks that will change daily.”

He was not able to elaborate on the snack menu. “We really haven’t come to any conclusions. It’s going to be a great variety though. Maybe chips. Popcorn, pretzels. Who knows? We might even get a little crazy and add some Bugles.” Persinger was quick to add that future snack selections will depend on profitability.  “Of course, if this all goes well we will definitely be adding some higher end items. Stuff like that pre-made Chex Mix and flavored pork rinds.”