Superstore Joe to Buy All Local Airtime Through End of Year

 Joe Askins, known to dozens as “Superstore Joe,” has announced that he is buying all local television ad time through the end of 2020. “I want everyone in Erie to know that if they’re looking for a Kia, or a Mazda, or a Fiat, or an Alfa Romeo, or an old Kizashi, or an AMC, or a DeSoto, or an off-road vehicle, they can find it at my Superstore.”

Askins is also expanding his weekly Loving Giving Local segment. The program will be a full hour long and will air on Sunday mornings. It will provide a behind-the scenes look at how the charitable endeavor works, starting with Askins inflating the wind machine, and ending with a ten minute segment of just him filling out the oversize check.

Other local advertisers are unhappy at not being able to buy time on local TV stations. John V. Schultz now cannot plug their annual “National Hammock Day” sale happening July 22nd, and Sam Catania Painting will have to wait until 2021 to unveil what a spokesperson called, “our most violent commercial yet.” 

Askins added that his new slogan will be, “I wanna see ya… every 10 minutes.”

Cicadas Postpone 2020 Re – emergence

The cicada emergence of 2020 has been put on hold, as the cicada community announced today that they are staying underground, wanting nothing to do with 2020. The brood, which has been underground since 2003, has been receiving information from advance scouts since March, according to spokesbug Chester Cigale. Reading from a prepared statement Cigale said, “We in the Cicada Community have been disheartened by recent aboveground events carried out by the human species. Therefore we have decided to postpone our 2020 re – emergence.”
“You humans carry diseases. You’re in the middle of a pandemic, and you can’t even get along well enough to be peaceful.” Cigale stated. “We feel it’s better for us to remain underground and wait until spring of 2021.”
Cigale added, “We cicadas have many different color variations within our community and yet we all manage to get along and work together for the good of the entire society.” Cigale then began burrowing back underground muttering, “and you call us a plague.”

Scientists Warn Of Clamdemic

Scientists are warning of a new invasive species encroaching upon the waters of Lake Erie. “They are extremely dangerous.” says Dr. Marlin Gill, marine biologist at Penn State Behrend. Dr. Gill told us that the Piranha Toothed Zebra Mussel is a cause for great concern.
According to Dr. Gill this newly discovered species of mollusk is about 300 times the size of a regular zebra mussel. “But they pack a powerful bite. They will certainly be a grave danger to swimmers, waders, and people near the shoreline.”
In addition to enormous razor sharp teeth, Dr. Gill went on to say that the Piranha Toothed Zebra Mussel is also quite venomous. “They have a compound in their saliva that completely removes a person’s pain threshold.” he told us. “Also they seem to be greatly attracted to the sound of human screaming. One mussel bites and hundreds of others then come to complete the kill.”
Dr. Gill says that Piranha Toothed Zebra Mussels can skin an adult human in less than 15 minutes. “Unfortunately they seem to enjoy the process so they tend to drag it out for considerably longer.”
When asked the source of this mollusk invasion Dr. Gill says it has not yet been determined. “We have it narrowed down to Michigan, Canada or Asia.” He told us he would get back to us with that information after consulting with “Marine biologists at the real Penn State. You know. The main campus.”

Anti – Quarantine Protester at Perry Square

Ice Fisherman Not Giving Up Just Yet

Local ice fisherman Chris Geddes has vowed not to give up on ice fishing this season, even as Erie continues to experience an above average temperature winter. “We still might get a late winter freeze,” said Geddes, who is a fourth generation ice fisherman. “My father used to take me out on the bay, just as his father took him; all the way back to my great-grandfather, who tragically froze to death during the winter of 1903.”
Geddes takes his truck out to Presque Isle every weekend, hoping to see a coating of ice thick enough to support him and his auger and what he calls his “lucky bucket.” “The water just isn’t cold enough, so I’ve been bringing trays of ice cubes from home and tossing them in the water. So far, it hasn’t done much good.”
He’ll be the last Geddes to ice fish, as his son doesn’t want anything to do with sitting on an overturned five gallon bucket freezing to death. “My son thinks it’s just sitting out there all day while the wind and the snow whip around. But there’s so much more to it.” When asked specifically what more there is to it, Geddes paused for a moment, and then admitted he couldn’t think of anything.

Rich Lady Wants Taxpayers to Save Her House from Lake Erie

Local rich lady Delores Kostara, who owns an expensive house on Lake Erie, is requesting that taxpayers pay to have the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers somehow reroute Lake Erie so she can continue to enjoy the beautiful sunsets. Kostara says the Army Corps of Engineers should drop all their other projects, and focus their efforts on preserving her shoreline abode. “I think they could take the money from the Presque Isle sand replenishment program and divert it to my house. I know tourism is important, but so are my sunsets,” said Kostara.
When asked if taxpayers might harbor some resentment contributing to save her private beach, Kostara said, “I think people will be heartened to know that some of their hard earned money will be going to ensure I’ll be able to sip lemonade on my deck and enjoy a view of Lake Erie most people can only dream of.”
Kostara’s heartbreaking story will be featured on tonight’s local news, right after a story of a family of four who lost everything they had in a fire.

AKC To Recognize Coyotes

The American Kennel Club announced today that they will now allow coyotes to be registered as a dog breed. AKC spokesman Perry De SanBernardo said that coyotes are now found in great numbers in all states. “It just made sense to recognize them as an individual breed so that they can be exhibited in all major dog shows across America.” De SanBernardo further stated that the AKC expects coyote registrations to go through the roof. “This will be very profitable for us.”

This announcement came just a week before the annual Westminster Dog Show in Manhattan. The first registered coyotes will be exhibited there. De SanBernardo said that the AKC’s official recognition of the coyotes also deemed the necessary addition of a new group under which they can be shown. “We couldn’t really fit them into the sporting, working, toy or terrier group.” he told us. “So we established a new group – the Hunted Group,” adding that the AKC Hunted Group will eventually include other varieties of wild canines such as wolves, jackals, and dingoes. Dingoes will be divided into two categories; baby eating and non-baby eating.

When asked what the future holds for coyotes now that they are registrable, De SanBernardo said “The usual trajectory that comes with recognizing a dog breed. Different coat colors, some inbreeding and probably an eventual miniaturization into a ridiculously small teacup size.”

PA Game Commission Warns Of New Predator

The Pennsylvania Game Commission has asked residents to be aware of a new canine predator lurking in our local woods. In the past month there have been multiple sightings of Coypoodles. This poodle / coyote hybrid has been making itself at home in Pennsylvania’s forests. Hunter Gunn, spokesman for the PA Game Commission, says he is unsure of the animal’s origin . “I think it may have come from, like, France, maybe?” Not too much is known about the coypoodle but Gunn was able to tell us a few known facts. “About 75 percent of them are named Fifi or Pierre.” he said. “They tend to prance rather than walk.”
Hunters wishing to shoot these wild dogs must get special permits from both the Game Commission and the AKC. Gunn cautions people against approaching coypoodles. “If you see one while walking in the woods please do not attempt to place a pink rhinestone collar on the animal. Some of them might like it but others will just get pissed off and attack.”
It must be noted that coypoodles are not to be confused with the similar but much less dangerous Pooyote.

Children’s Axe Throwing Room to Open

With the increasing popularity of axe throwing in Erie, a local businessman has announced plans to open “Happy Hatchet Axe Throwing”, a children’s only axe throwing room next to Chuck E. Cheese in Summit Towne Center. “It’s an untapped market,” said owner Stuart Murdoch. “Erie already has a place where adults can throw axes, but nobody was thinking of the children.”
Murdoch announced that leagues will be forming by age groups. “We already have eight children signed up for our 3 to 6 year old league, and that includes a two and a half year old who is very mature for his age.”
When asked about safety concerns about children flinging axes, Murdoch stated, “I’d like parents to know that we will have safety measures in place, so they won’t have to worry about their children being harmed.” As for what kind of specific safety measures, Murdoch replied. “You know…measures. For safety.”
In other Summit Towne Center business news, a new children’s prosthetic warehouse will be opening next to Happy Hatchet in March.

EDDC to Purchase Presque Isle State Park

John Persinger, CEO of the Erie Downtown Development Corporation, announced today that the organization has acquired its biggest opportunity zone yet. Persinger revealed to Gooferie that the EDDC reached a deal with the Pennsylvania Bureau of State Parks to purchase Presque Isle.

“We have so many plans for this space,” Persinger said. First and foremost Persinger declared that a large area in the middle of the park will be cleared for an arena stadium to host the newly formed Flagship Curling Team. “Curling is the next big thing,” Persinger declared. “And this arena will seat thousands!”

He also stated that the peninsula’s two lighthouses will be demolished. “They’re eyesores with crumbling infrastructure. They have to come down.” The EDDC plans to put high rise beachfront residential condominiums in their place.

A plan to contain the park’s larger ponds was also revealed. “We’re keeping the water,” Persinger said. “But we’re adding an orca! The EDDC will have the world’s only freshwater orca tank built right into the existing ponds. Who doesn’t love orcas?”

The final stage of Presque Isle’s renovation will see the complete bulldozing of Gull Point in order to lay the foundation for Erie’s first all-season tapas bar. “I don’t think anybody really goes to that part of the peninsula anyway,” Persinger said. “But just to show we’re not completely heartless we are going to name the restaurant after the species we’ll be displacing. So next summer get ready for the grand opening of the Piping Plover Tapas Bar!”

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.