H.R. McMaster To Be Replaced By H.R. Pufnstuf


The White House announced today that President Trump has chosen a replacement for outgoing National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster. In less than a month McMaster will be stepping down from his post. The Trump administration’s third National Security Adviser will be live action dragon H. R. Pufnstuf. A White House staffer, on condition of anonymity, said that the president requested someone with a similar sounding name “so as not to be too confusing”. Pufnstuf is no stranger to politics having been mayor of Living Island since 1969. In that capacity he has consistently kept the island safe from witches. He is also said to be a good friend “when things get rough”.

Dr. James Barker Would Like “Another One of Those, Please”

James Barker

Stretched out on a chaise lounge under a warm, bright sun shielded by a natural canopy of palm trees, former Erie School Superintendent James Barker casually informed “Paco,” a waiter at the exclusive resort where he was staying, that he would like a second beverage of the kind that was provided to him earlier.

As he was enjoying his libation, Dr. Barker took out his MacBook and found an article on the deteriorating Erie School District, which he had luckily escaped several years ago. As he read of the district’s dire circumstances, his eyes straining due to the reflection of his gold watch on the screen, Barker remarked, “Those poor bastards,” before clicking over to an online collection of Garfield cartoons. Lighting another cigar, he began chuckling heartily as his memories of Erie continued to fade away.



Lou Aliota Sues Himself “I’m costing the taxpayers way too much money”



In a surprise announcement, Millcreek school board member Lou Aliota has decided to sue himself in civil court, alleging that he has cost Millcreek taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars for unnecessary requests during his short time on the school board.

“I know that I’ve lost all my previous lawsuits, but this one is different. By suing myself, I win even if I lose.”

The lawsuit comes on the heel of the board’s censure of Aliota in last February, and amid the current lawsuit Aliota has filed against the school board.

Aliota also announced that he will seek the seat that has opened with the resignation of Donna Reese, so that he can have two votes on the board.


Ice Dune Playground Opens at Presque Isle


Officials at Presque Isle State Park have announced the opening of an ice dune playground, adding to the winter activities at the park.

“We just got sick of telling people to stay off the ice dunes,” said park official Peter Bramall. “So, we decided to let these imbeci- uh, I mean, park visitors enjoy them.”

The playground spans the three largest ice dunes on Beach 1. The tallest dune will be open for climbing as well.

“My parents wouldn’t let me play on the ice dunes when I was a child,” said Erie resident James Murphy. “Well,  I’m not going to deny my kids the opportunity to climb all over these majestic frozen peaks.”

In addition, an out of town vendor will have a food tent to sell gazpacho, ice cream, and cold drinks.

As Murphy stood in line at the gazpacho tent; far from where his kids were playing, he explained why he loves the peninsula. “It’s so peaceful out here. I could listen to the seagulls all day. They almost sound like children yelling for help.”



Supervisor Clears Up Millcreek Sign Confusion


There has been some recent confusion over political sign ordinances in Millcreek Township. We contacted Supervisor John Groh to clarify what is and is not permitted during the next election term. “The two other supervisors and I held an emergency meeting about this issue.” said Groh. “Truthfully we really don’t have all that much to do anyway. The meeting went on for 24 straight hours and I believe we have come to a consensus.”  The new sign regulations are as follows: All signs must be rectangular. Triangles, circles and octagons are not permitted. True squares are allowed but discouraged as they distract from rectangular signs. All signs must be 18 inches high and two feet wide. Signs must be placed no less than 5 feet from the residence, 7 feet from the sidewalk and 10 feet from the road. Signs must be constructed from single wall corrugated cardboard only! Double and triple corrugated cardboard signs will be pulled out of the ground and stomped by any one of Millcreek’s three supervisors. Signs must be upright on neat well manicured lawns with no more than two inches of grass. Grass must be green and healthy. Dead or brown grass will result in instant sign confiscation. Sign lettering must be Sans Serif. Any political signs with Serif fonts will be doused with accellerant and burned onsite. The preferred color scheme for signs is red, white and blue. Garish colors such as purple, teal and neon pink are strictly forbidden. Burnt umber is an acceptable color for political signs but burnt sienna is taboo. Sign stakes must be made of untreated wood and dig no more than 6 inches into the ground. Dark wood and particle board are banned. Signs must be connected to the wooden stakes with galvanized staples only. Non galvanized staples will not be tolerated. All signs must be laminated. Non laminated signs will be destroyed by Millcreek Township bulldozers at the homeowner’s expense. “I will personally inspect each and every sign for lamination violations.” said Groh. “I hope there will be at least one because they said I could drive the bulldozer. Yay!”

Mayor Schember to Personally Destroy McBride Viaduct


Wielding a large sledgehammer, Mayor Joe Schember announced today that he will personally destroy the McBride Viaduct, which he says will save taxpayers millions of dollars.

“We bid out the contract, and the bids came in higher than we thought,” said Schember, “So I thought me and Sledgie here could do the job for free.”

When asked how long the demolition would take, Mayor Schember said, “I’ve looked at the reports on the current condition of the Viaduct, and I think it will just take a couple of swings to bring her down.”

Local activist Lisa Austin, who opposes demolition of the Viaduct, stated that this latest plan will not be a deterrent in her fight to save the Viaduct. When asked for comment, Austin said, “I will keep fighting to save the Viaduct, even long after it is demolished.”



Lake Effect Snow Dries Up Lake Erie


For the first time in recorded history, Lake Erie is empty due to all the water being turned into lake effect snow which has blanketed the city of Erie.

“As we know, when cold air moves over the lake, it picks up water and deposits it as snow, “ said Meteorologist Dr. Patrick Timmells of the National Weather Service in Cleveland. “Since Erie is the shallowest of the Great Lakes, it only took a few heavy snow bands to completely drain it.”

93-year-old John Fay, a lifelong Erie resident, says he’s never seen anything like this. “This is worse than December of 1944. Back then, only half the lake was drained. My buddy and I waded to Canada and back.”

One local fisherman plans to take advantage of the situation. “I won’t even have to take my boat off the trailer, “said Frank “Mooneye” Kapitsky. “There should be a lot of cold fish flopping around that I can just scoop up.”

According to Dr. Timmels, the lake will replenish after the snow melts in the spring.



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