PA Game Commission Seeks To Relocate Cemetery Coyotes To “Peaceful Farm In The Country”

gfreyoteThe Pennsylvania Game Commission has announced that they will assist in relocating the coyotes from the Erie Cemetery, according to Game Commission spokesman Hunter Gunn.

Gunn says the move will happen at night, and they plan on setting off a few celebratory firecrackers, “Which we certainly don’t want people to mistake for gunfire.” When asked how many firecrackers would go off, Gunn replied, “four or five. We’re not sure yet.”

 “Once the coyotes are…um…gathered, they’ll be taken to a beautiful farm, somewhere in the country, where they can run through green meadows and play all day, under an ever-shining sun.” said Gunn, wiping sweat from his brow. When asked where the farm was located, Gunn answered his non-ringing phone, bowed his head saying “I need to answer this,” and walked back into his office.

Towne Residents want Dickson Tavern Shut down as “Nuisance Bar”

dickson

Dateline May 24, 1817

Neighbours of the Dickson Tavern, located at 2nd and French street in Erie, have filed a complaint with the city stating that the drinking establishment has become a nuisance.

Neighbor Jebediah Pike is leading the charge. “The loud fife music and general rowdiness has befouled the area for too long.  ‘Tis an affront to one’s ears.”

James Smith, who lives on the outskirts of town, two blocks away, stated “Ye cannot get to sleep at a decent hour, for the hearing of musket fire after an all-night ale bender will surely sully your slumber.”

Thaddeus Boatwright IV, who lives next door to the Dickson Tavern, states, “Not an evening goes by without at least one incident of drunken fisticuffs. I myself have found wooden teeth on my lawn during my morning travels to the outhouse.”

Several women in the neighbourhood were asked for their comment on the tavern, but were forbidden by their husbands to speak.

Scott Enterprises to Build Hotel on site of Riverside Inn

NewHamptonInn

In a surprise announcement, Nick Scott has revealed that Scott Enterprises plans to build a Hampton Inn on the site of the iconic Riverside Inn, which was recently destroyed by fire.

“In this business, it’s all about the opportunity,” said Scott. “As I was watching the footage of the disaster, I had a tear in one eye, and a dollar sign in the other.”

Scott says he intends to hire everyone who was employed at the Riverside, and will pay them not at all close to what they made at the Riverside.

“I’m even thinking of putting a second Splash Lagoon in French Creek,” added Scott.

Construction will begin as soon as the last of the ten memorial services are complete.

Smith’s Unveils New Product

SMITHSSmith’s Provisions, longtime purveyor of meat products for the Erie area, has announced that it is adding organic tofu to their list of products available for purchase.
The tofu made its debut at the new Erie County Farms last week, prompting long time Smith’s customer Neil Osbourne to declare, “What the hell is THAT?” as he loaded his cart with hot dogs and walked away from the tofu display at great speed.
Emily Haines, another loyal Smith’s buyer, remarked, “I’ll bet if you put enough Greek sauce on it, it might be OK.”
Smith’s spokesman Frank Hamm stated that they have already sold almost one package of the bean curd, and are expecting sales to double in the coming weeks.

UPDATE : Smith’s Organic Tofu has been discontinued due to lack of sales.

Developing story: After lengthy nationwide manhunt, notorious criminal apprehended at Erie McDonalds.

mickyds

After receiving a call from alert employees early Wednesday morning, Erie police were summoned to the McDonalds at 5th and State where they found a disruptive elderly homeless man taking advantage of the restaurant’s famous senior citizens’ coffee discount.
Local officers, riding high on the wave of national publicity following the resolution of the Cleveland “Facebook Killer” case, immediately contacted the media to announce that they had apprehended infamous skyjacker D.B.Cooper.
More details as they become available.

 

 

Last Erie Radio Shack to Close, Officially Ending the 80’s

rsstory

Erie’s only remaining Radio Shack store in the Kmart Plaza on 26th Street will be closing its doors soon,   marking the end of the 1980’s in the Erie area.

Customers were upset to learn of the closing, including longtime patron Robert Harrison. “Where will I go if I need a new VCR cable?” asked Harrison. “Or size D dry cells?”

“This is where I got my radio controlled General Lee from ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’” said Danny Goffey, who was in the store looking for an adapter for his 8-track player. “Erie just won’t be the same without Radio Shack.”

The remaining inventory is being discounted, and the store will remain open until all supplies are gone. Customers wanting to check out the deals had better hurry, as a bus from Springhill Senior Living was just seen pulling into the parking lot.

Erie Zoo to Rent out Rhino for Birthday Parties

partyrhino

Facing a budget shortfall, the Erie Zoo has announced that they will rent out their rhinoceros for special events such as birthday parties for children.

“It’s been very successful so far,” said a zoo spokesperson. “The children love the rhino and the danger is very minimal. We’ve only had a few minor gorings; nothing that required more than first aid.”

Parents who are interested in renting the rhino must provide insurance waivers for all children in attendance, as well as adequate water and 200 pounds of cabbage.

If you are interested in renting the rhino, call the Erie Zoo and ask for Mr. Lyon.

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