City Council Envious Of County Council’s Accidental Lockout

Some members of Erie City Council are speaking out today after members of the public were reportedly locked out of a County Council meeting. “Why doesn’t that ever happen to us?” said one City Council member. This member refused to give her first name but asked us to refer to her as “President Liz”.  “I have the gavel.” she told us. “But no matter how many times I bang it, the speakers keep talking. Nobody respects the gavel anymore.”

Another member, who also declined to give his name but called himself “Eddie B.” agreed. “Yap yap yap.” he told us. “We generously give them, what is it? Two minutes or something, I dunno. But they never shut their pieholes. Like a bunch of old women.”  He went on to say that the citizens who speak at City Council meetings are “…always droning on and on about the same stuff. Blah, blah funding, blah blah safety. “

Both anonymous Council members concurred with each other. President Liz said “ It would just be better to leave the public out of this and let us do our thing.” Eddie B. told us “It’s amazing how many of these folks think we actually listen to them. I don’t even listen to my fellow Council members. Especially the girls.” 

On that one point President Liz disagreed with Eddie B. “Oh he has to listen to me now. I may have struggled to wrestle it out of his grip but I do have the gavel!”

Yoga At The Erie Zoo

The latest installment of “Yoga At The Erie Zoo” will be Rhinoceros Yoga. Erie Zoo officials  are hoping that this 3rd attempt at yoga with the animals will be successful.

“We tested out Polar Bear Yoga and that did not go as planned. We’re still settling lawsuits. Spider Monkey Yoga was also a disaster.”

“Those little bastards stole our mats, our purses and Velda’s upper plate.” said one participant who did not want to give her name for fear of retaliation. “That one monkey with the squiffy eye pointed a finger at me, put it to his lips and then drew it across his neck.”

“Third time’s the charm.” zoo officials told us. “With the popularity of goat yoga we’re confident that Rhino Yoga will be a hit.”

Totally Fun Slide Shut Down Because Of A Few Stupid Kids

Last week Frontier Park announced the closing of their super cool giant slides. According to Brandon Gool, assistant Public Works Director, the rad slides are now indefinitely shut down “Because of a few bonehead kids. I mean these rugrats weren’t even sliding properly.”

Gool went on to say, “Apparently a 40-foot slide is considered too ‘giant’ for these little wussies.”

Rolling his eyes, Gool continued. “A small number of these puny overly coddled eejits have no clue how to navigate a tall metal slide. Unfortunately, they were born well after the closing of Funtown.”

According to Gool, the problem was compounded by “Inattentive parents who were too busy on their cellphones to properly supervise their young nimrods. These whiners threatened a lawsuit and here we are.”

“It’s such a waste.” he sighed. “Always a shame when a few dunces have to ruin the fun for everyone else. Because let’s face it. Those slides are totally awesome!”

Duquesne Incline To Become High Speed Coaster

With the closing of two popular Kennywood roller coasters, and the concern that Pittsburghers are leaving the city for vacations elsewhere, it has been announced that the Duquesne Incline is set to become a high-speed coaster.

Gooferie spoke exclusively to the director of the Pittsburgh Staycation Tourism Agency, Mr. Kurt “Hunky” Horvath. “Our agency is funding this because we want to keep local vacationers in the city.” he told us. “This is a logical step. With the Steel Curtain and the Thunderbird being closed our city is seriously lacking in fast rides.”

Horvath also cited concerns that Pittsburgh annually loses many vacationers to the appeal of Erie’s waterfront. “No offense,” he said. “I mean yinz got beaches and fishing n’at. But why waste gas money driving dahn nair when you can stay right here in the Burgh?”

Horvath explained that there has been a rush put on the switchover from the Incline’s rickety snail’s pace to the increased 70 mph speed. Construction has already begun on the project and should be completed before August.

A sneak preview of the plan details the changes. The new Incline ride will now start at the Lower Station. It will slowly make its way up Mt. Washington. There will be a one second stop at the top before a sudden 70 mph lurching drop back down to the bottom.

We asked Horvath if any safety measures, such as seat belts or restraints will be added. “Nah.” he answered. “Yinz just have to hold on tight and enjoy the ride!”

Erie Zoo To Offer Animal Pooping Exhibit For Children

Due to the success of the animal feeding exhibits, and knowing a child’s natural
curiosity and affinity for all things poop related, the Erie Zoo has announced a
special program that will allow children ages 3-8 to view the animals when nature
calls.
Tentatively called Zoo Poo, the program will take place one to three hours after
feeding time, depending on the animal. “We got the idea from seeing how many
children’s books there are about poop,” said interim zoo spokesperson Amanda
Baer. “We think this will be big business, pun intended.”
Zane Lyon, caretaker of the rhinoceroses, thinks the children will be delighted.
“We call Bumper the rhino ‘Old Faithful.’ Exactly one hour after 50 pounds of
cabbage goes in, 46 pounds goes out.”
Baer is stressing that this program is for children ages 3-8 only. “As we’ve had to
explain to hundreds of callers, this exhibit is solely for children.”

Are There Sharks In Lake Erie?

A recent post that was shared in the Lorain Ohio Facebook group caused quite a panic when it showed a group of sharks purported to be in Lake Erie. The Ohio Division of Wildlife was quick to debunk the photograph. They claimed the picture was actually taken in Puerto Rico and that there are no sharks in Lake Erie.

Gooferie spoke to Penn State Behrend marine biologist, Dr. Marlin Gill, to clarify this potentially dangerous issue. Dr. Gill examined the photograph and gave us his expert opinion.

“I looked at the picture with a magnifying glass.” he told us “We don’t have the budget for a microscope. But it doesn’t take a high powered lens for me to say that the photograph in question was definitely taken on the shores of our very own Lake Erie.

Dr. Gill disagreed with the finding of the Ohio Division of Wildlife. “I mean they’re from Ohio.” he said. “What do they know? Erie is in Pennsylvania.”

Dr. Gill explained that several great white sharks swam through the St. Lawrence Seaway about 6 years ago. “I have been observing them. Somehow they acclimated to the lack of salinity and established a breeding population.”

He went on to say that sharks have also become accustomed to cold temperatures. “What I’ve discovered is that the freezing water actually makes them bigger and stronger.” Dr. Gill is currently writing a thesis on Lake Erie’s Freshwater Great White Shark Population. “It’s gonna be big.” he tells us. “Career changing. I might even move up to the main campus! The REAL Penn State University. Microscope here I come! Oh, yes, and be careful out there. Sharks are deadly.”

Cathedral Prep To Relax Academic Standards For Girls

Mr. William Patoot, Vice President of Academics and Student Affairs at Cathedral Prep/villa has
announced the relaxation of some academic standards for incoming Villa students. “We here at Prep thought this issue should be addressed before the merger between the two schools next school year.” Patoot told us.
He added that not all classes will drop their previously stringent requirements. “Just math and science, of course. We don’t want to be sexist here. Just sensitive to the needs of these girls.” Patoot said that honors math and science will still be available for the boys. “The young ladies will be required to take remedial math and science classes. Some of our more advanced senior boys will be available for tutoring. We want to keep the playing field level.”
Mr. Patoot stated that he wanted to make sure that the Villa girls will be welcomed at Cathedral Prep. “We may have a reputation as a bit of an old school boys club.” he said “But that is simply not true. “After all, Our Lady the Virgin Mary is the Queen of Prep. Would we have elected a female queen if we weren’t accepting of women?”
Cathedral Prep has also announced the addition of several home economic classes such as sewing ,
cooking and parenting. When asked if the young boys will be required to take these classes Patoot
responded “What? No!”

EDDC To Replace Lost Food Vendors

The EDDC announced today that the departing Food Hall vendors will be replaced with “snack tables”. John Persinger, head of the Erie Downtown Development Corporation, assured Gooferie that the loss of Lucky Louie’s and “that bakery…I forget what it was called…” is not a bad sign that the State Street food court is in any danger of closing. 

“Food halls are always evolving.” he told us. “This has allowed us to be innovative. We have decided to replace these sellers with snack bars, if you will.”

Persinger explained his plans for this new area of the Food Hall. “Basically, we will set up a table. On this table will be a bowl of snacks that will change daily.”

He was not able to elaborate on the snack menu. “We really haven’t come to any conclusions. It’s going to be a great variety though. Maybe chips. Popcorn, pretzels. Who knows? We might even get a little crazy and add some Bugles.” Persinger was quick to add that future snack selections will depend on profitability.  “Of course, if this all goes well we will definitely be adding some higher end items. Stuff like that pre-made Chex Mix and flavored pork rinds.”

Charity To Aid Bald Eagles Based In Erie

The success of breeding populations of bald eagles here in Erie County has led to many more sightings of these majestic birds. Gooferie spoke to the president of the Presque Isle Audubon Society, Dr. Boyd Chitt, about what can be done to assist the growing number of bald eagles in our area.

“The eagles do pretty well for the first five years.” said Dr. Chitt. “But as they reach maturity and develop white head feathers they start to become self-conscious.” He went on to say “Our local Audubon Society has always been sympathetic to the plight of these birds.”  

To save these beautiful eagles from embarrassment Dr. Chitt has announced the formation of the ‘Wigs For Bald Eagles” program. This charitable organization will operate under the auspices of the Erie Audubon Society.

“We are gratefully accepting donations to the wig program.” said Dr. Chitt. “Once we have a decent supply of little wigs our volunteers will humanely capture the eagles. After that it’s a simple process of weaving the artificial hair into the feathers.”

If you would like to contribute please contact the Presque Isle Audubon Society.

 

Free Cars For Erie Residents

The city of Erie has fallen far behind in their removal of parked cars. Since the last snowstorm the city has attempted to tow hundreds of snowed – in parked cars. The concern is that these automobiles are preventing the plow trucks from clearing the streets.

Unable to keep up with the amount of vehicles, Mayor Joe Schember in collaboration with the Erie Police Department have announced the “Free Cars For Criminals!” program. 

Deputy Assistant To The Deputy Chief, Parker Hamme, explained how this new plan works.

“Now is the time to put those hotwiring skills to use.” Hamme told us. “We need these cars cleared out ASAP.” Hamme explained that all patrol officers will turn away from anybody seen attempting to steal a snow covered car on the street. 

“Grab a shovel and help us move these cars. We won’t pursue any criminal charges. Just get them out off the side streets.”

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