Rich Lady Wants Taxpayers to Save Her House from Lake Erie

Local rich lady Delores Kostara, who owns an expensive house on Lake Erie, is requesting that taxpayers pay to have the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers somehow reroute Lake Erie so she can continue to enjoy the beautiful sunsets. Kostara says the Army Corps of Engineers should drop all their other projects, and focus their efforts on preserving her shoreline abode. “I think they could take the money from the Presque Isle sand replenishment program and divert it to my house. I know tourism is important, but so are my sunsets,” said Kostara.
When asked if taxpayers might harbor some resentment contributing to save her private beach, Kostara said, “I think people will be heartened to know that some of their hard earned money will be going to ensure I’ll be able to sip lemonade on my deck and enjoy a view of Lake Erie most people can only dream of.”
Kostara’s heartbreaking story will be featured on tonight’s local news, right after a story of a family of four who lost everything they had in a fire.

AKC To Recognize Coyotes

The American Kennel Club announced today that they will now allow coyotes to be registered as a dog breed. AKC spokesman Perry De SanBernardo said that coyotes are now found in great numbers in all states. “It just made sense to recognize them as an individual breed so that they can be exhibited in all major dog shows across America.” De SanBernardo further stated that the AKC expects coyote registrations to go through the roof. “This will be very profitable for us.”

This announcement came just a week before the annual Westminster Dog Show in Manhattan. The first registered coyotes will be exhibited there. De SanBernardo said that the AKC’s official recognition of the coyotes also deemed the necessary addition of a new group under which they can be shown. “We couldn’t really fit them into the sporting, working, toy or terrier group.” he told us. “So we established a new group – the Hunted Group,” adding that the AKC Hunted Group will eventually include other varieties of wild canines such as wolves, jackals, and dingoes. Dingoes will be divided into two categories; baby eating and non-baby eating.

When asked what the future holds for coyotes now that they are registrable, De SanBernardo said “The usual trajectory that comes with recognizing a dog breed. Different coat colors, some inbreeding and probably an eventual miniaturization into a ridiculously small teacup size.”

PA Game Commission Warns Of New Predator

The Pennsylvania Game Commission has asked residents to be aware of a new canine predator lurking in our local woods. In the past month there have been multiple sightings of Coypoodles. This poodle / coyote hybrid has been making itself at home in Pennsylvania’s forests. Hunter Gunn, spokesman for the PA Game Commission, says he is unsure of the animal’s origin . “I think it may have come from, like, France, maybe?” Not too much is known about the coypoodle but Gunn was able to tell us a few known facts. “About 75 percent of them are named Fifi or Pierre.” he said. “They tend to prance rather than walk.”
Hunters wishing to shoot these wild dogs must get special permits from both the Game Commission and the AKC. Gunn cautions people against approaching coypoodles. “If you see one while walking in the woods please do not attempt to place a pink rhinestone collar on the animal. Some of them might like it but others will just get pissed off and attack.”
It must be noted that coypoodles are not to be confused with the similar but much less dangerous Pooyote.

Children’s Axe Throwing Room to Open

With the increasing popularity of axe throwing in Erie, a local businessman has announced plans to open “Happy Hatchet Axe Throwing”, a children’s only axe throwing room next to Chuck E. Cheese in Summit Towne Center. “It’s an untapped market,” said owner Stuart Murdoch. “Erie already has a place where adults can throw axes, but nobody was thinking of the children.”
Murdoch announced that leagues will be forming by age groups. “We already have eight children signed up for our 3 to 6 year old league, and that includes a two and a half year old who is very mature for his age.”
When asked about safety concerns about children flinging axes, Murdoch stated, “I’d like parents to know that we will have safety measures in place, so they won’t have to worry about their children being harmed.” As for what kind of specific safety measures, Murdoch replied. “You know…measures. For safety.”
In other Summit Towne Center business news, a new children’s prosthetic warehouse will be opening next to Happy Hatchet in March.

EDDC to Purchase Presque Isle State Park

John Persinger, CEO of the Erie Downtown Development Corporation, announced today that the organization has acquired its biggest opportunity zone yet. Persinger revealed to Gooferie that the EDDC reached a deal with the Pennsylvania Bureau of State Parks to purchase Presque Isle.

“We have so many plans for this space,” Persinger said. First and foremost Persinger declared that a large area in the middle of the park will be cleared for an arena stadium to host the newly formed Flagship Curling Team. “Curling is the next big thing,” Persinger declared. “And this arena will seat thousands!”

He also stated that the peninsula’s two lighthouses will be demolished. “They’re eyesores with crumbling infrastructure. They have to come down.” The EDDC plans to put high rise beachfront residential condominiums in their place.

A plan to contain the park’s larger ponds was also revealed. “We’re keeping the water,” Persinger said. “But we’re adding an orca! The EDDC will have the world’s only freshwater orca tank built right into the existing ponds. Who doesn’t love orcas?”

The final stage of Presque Isle’s renovation will see the complete bulldozing of Gull Point in order to lay the foundation for Erie’s first all-season tapas bar. “I don’t think anybody really goes to that part of the peninsula anyway,” Persinger said. “But just to show we’re not completely heartless we are going to name the restaurant after the species we’ll be displacing. So next summer get ready for the grand opening of the Piping Plover Tapas Bar!”

Chinatown for Erie Nixed, Funkytown Proposed Instead

Mayor Joe Schember, discouraged that his plan to bring a Chinatown to Erie has already been tabled, has announced his alternative idea. He would like to bring a Funkytown to Erie. ”I was driving home after the Chinatown idea went nowhere, and was inspired by a song I heard on the oldies station,” said Schember. “I think it could bring people into our city. There are a lot of out of towners who want to make a move to a town that’s right for them.” When asked when the groovy new neighborhood would be coming to the city, Schember said that would depend on City Council’s reception to the idea. “City Council and I are going to have to talk about it talk about it talk about it talk about it.”

Erie Zoo To Release Lions Onto Presque Isle

In spite of the annual Presque Isle deer hunt held every year, the park’s deer population continues to increase. “The peninsula is a fragile ecosystem.’ says park ranger Pat Dexter.

“The park can really only handle a deer herd of about 15 to 20 head, and right now there are over 100 deer out there.”  Dexter said that the annual winter hunt has failed to significantly reduce the deer herd to a sustainable number. “The problem is that we are not getting enough hunters applying for the deer hunt here.” he told us. “On one hand they love the easy close range shot at a deer that’s very accustomed to people. On the other hand there is the very real concern that their fellow hunting bros will call them sissies for shooting tame deer.”

To solve this problem Dexter approached Scott Mitchell of the Erie Zoo. “We brainstormed,” said Dexter “And Scott suggested putting a natural predator into the environment.”

Gooferie reached out to Scott Mitchell for a comment. “Yes, it’s true.” he confirmed. “We are releasing lions onto the peninsula. It’s win – win. We are saving a lot of money by not feeding the lions. Do you know how much it costs to feed a big cat?”

When asked how long the lions will be roaming Presque Isle, Mitchell was unable to give us a definitive answer. “It could be weeks.” he said. “Lions sleep for a long time after a big meal.”

Should park visitors be concerned about African lions free ranging on the peninsula? Mitchell addressed this question. “Not at all.” he said. “Well, maybe a little. Just, um, just don’t approach them, ok?”

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