Scott Enterprises to Build Hotel on site of Riverside Inn

NewHamptonInn

In a surprise announcement, Nick Scott has revealed that Scott Enterprises plans to build a Hampton Inn on the site of the iconic Riverside Inn, which was recently destroyed by fire.

“In this business, it’s all about the opportunity,” said Scott. “As I was watching the footage of the disaster, I had a tear in one eye, and a dollar sign in the other.”

Scott says he intends to hire everyone who was employed at the Riverside, and will pay them not at all close to what they made at the Riverside.

“I’m even thinking of putting a second Splash Lagoon in French Creek,” added Scott.

Construction will begin as soon as the last of the ten memorial services are complete.

Smith’s Unveils New Product

SMITHSSmith’s Provisions, longtime purveyor of meat products for the Erie area, has announced that it is adding organic tofu to their list of products available for purchase.
The tofu made its debut at the new Erie County Farms last week, prompting long time Smith’s customer Neil Osbourne to declare, “What the hell is THAT?” as he loaded his cart with hot dogs and walked away from the tofu display at great speed.
Emily Haines, another loyal Smith’s buyer, remarked, “I’ll bet if you put enough Greek sauce on it, it might be OK.”
Smith’s spokesman Frank Hamm stated that they have already sold almost one package of the bean curd, and are expecting sales to double in the coming weeks.

UPDATE : Smith’s Organic Tofu has been discontinued due to lack of sales.

Developing story: After lengthy nationwide manhunt, notorious criminal apprehended at Erie McDonalds.

mickyds

After receiving a call from alert employees early Wednesday morning, Erie police were summoned to the McDonalds at 5th and State where they found a disruptive elderly homeless man taking advantage of the restaurant’s famous senior citizens’ coffee discount.
Local officers, riding high on the wave of national publicity following the resolution of the Cleveland “Facebook Killer” case, immediately contacted the media to announce that they had apprehended infamous skyjacker D.B.Cooper.
More details as they become available.

 

 

Last Erie Radio Shack to Close, Officially Ending the 80’s

rsstory

Erie’s only remaining Radio Shack store in the Kmart Plaza on 26th Street will be closing its doors soon,   marking the end of the 1980’s in the Erie area.

Customers were upset to learn of the closing, including longtime patron Robert Harrison. “Where will I go if I need a new VCR cable?” asked Harrison. “Or size D dry cells?”

“This is where I got my radio controlled General Lee from ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’” said Danny Goffey, who was in the store looking for an adapter for his 8-track player. “Erie just won’t be the same without Radio Shack.”

The remaining inventory is being discounted, and the store will remain open until all supplies are gone. Customers wanting to check out the deals had better hurry, as a bus from Springhill Senior Living was just seen pulling into the parking lot.

Erie Zoo to Rent out Rhino for Birthday Parties

partyrhino

Facing a budget shortfall, the Erie Zoo has announced that they will rent out their rhinoceros for special events such as birthday parties for children.

“It’s been very successful so far,” said a zoo spokesperson. “The children love the rhino and the danger is very minimal. We’ve only had a few minor gorings; nothing that required more than first aid.”

Parents who are interested in renting the rhino must provide insurance waivers for all children in attendance, as well as adequate water and 200 pounds of cabbage.

If you are interested in renting the rhino, call the Erie Zoo and ask for Mr. Lyon.

Penelec Prepares for Annual “Destroyin’ o’ the Trees”

destroytrees

Spring is near, and with the change of seasons, Penelec has announced its annual tree destroying program will begin as soon as weather permits. The annual program involves cutting away branches that are near power lines.

Penelec spokesman Hy Raetz says “The trees that line our streets are just too beautiful.  People shouldn’t be outside admiring trees. They should be inside using electricity. Also, it’s probably a safety hazard.”

When asked if there was a standard procedure for removing branches, Raetz said, “The technical term is ‘directional pruning’, but we call it ‘the school bus rule’; meaning the branches should be separated from the wires by the width of a school bus.  The goal is to make it look as little like a tree as possible.”

When asked if he had advice for anyone who has a tree near a power line, Rates advised, “You should probably take a picture of it now, so you’ll have the memories.”

Local Man Announces Candidacy For Whatever

election-sign

Erie resident Raymond McGinley has decided to join the scores of others who have thrown their hats into the ring for public office.

“It seems like every day I hear more and more people running for office, so I decided to join them,” said McGinley. “I don’t even care what office. I know I have to be a better choice than some of the other folks running. Like that guy with the yellow sweatshirt and bullet holes in his campaign signs, or that other guy who was caught on video very carefully not inhaling crack.”

When asked what issues he would address, McGinley stated, “the McBride Viaduct should be torn down. Or maybe we should keep it.  And crime – crime is bad, I guess. Also, I’d like to do something about the large number of people running for office.”

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