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Frontier Park Slide Too Costly, Catapult to be Added Instead

 

With the lone bid for a proposed slide at Frontier Park coming in over budget, officials at the nonprofit group L.E.A.F. have changed plans, and will now build a catapult that will transport visitors from one end of the park to another.

According to spokesperson Bobby “Bo” Tannicle, the catapult will actually be an improvement over the slide. “The slide would have only taken people 40 feet. With the catapult, we can send people over 100 feet, and can land them in various sections of the park.”

Tannicle added, “Since safety of park visitors is a concern, those using the catapult will be required to wear a helmet.”

L.E.A.F. officials are currently checking out front lawns on the lower east side to gather used mattresses to cushion the landing zones.

Local Drug House Marks 200 Years of Business

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A well-known local drug house on Erie’s lower west side is marking the 200th year of drug activity at that location.

The house at 520 Cascade has been providing patrons with illegal substances since the previous building, a simple log structure, opened in 1819. This is according to local historian Ken Hartley – Reed, citing a study of an archaeological dig done at that site in the late 1800s, prior to the construction of the current edifice. “We found evidence of laudanum use by visiting sailors in the decade following the war of 1812.”

Evidence also shows that opium from China was sold out of that house in the middle 1800s most likely brought by ships from Asia and then through the recently completed Erie Canal.

Starting in 1920 with Prohibition, the house served as a speakeasy, providing illegal liquor until 1933.. Throughout the rest of the 20th century, the house met the needs of its clients with a never ending variety of substances. Marijuana in the 40s and 50s, LSD in the 60s, cocaine in the 70s, crack in the 80s all the way up until its current incarnation as a meth house.

Said Hartley – Reed, “We even have evidence that the Eriez tribe used psylosibin mushrooms on that site as far back as 1619, so really you could say it’s been a drug house for 400 years.”

EDDC to Bring Successful Businesses Downtown By Ousting Successful Businesses

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The Erie Downtown Development Corporation is under fire for forcing out three local businesses from their locations at North Park Row in downtown Erie.

The EDDC has businesses already lined up for two of the three soon to be vacant storefronts. Spokesperson Vernon White announced they are working on a lease to bring a Wonder Bread outlet store where Khao Thai currently operates, and a Mayonnaise Emporium where the Hookah Lounge is. “We are also currently in discussions to place a vanilla ice cream shop where the future former Tandoori Hut stands,” said White.

“We don’t want to discourage minority owned businesses, but we have an obligation to make money for our non-minority shareholders,” said White. When asked if the EDDC was prepared for the reaction of this news from a public relations standpoint, White replied, “Public relations? What’s that?”

Local Improvement Groups to Merge, As if That Will Help

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Following a lengthy meeting at a vacant lot somewhere on Parade Street, Erie’s numerous improvement groups have decided to merge into one unified group.  Going forward, this new group will be known as “The DevelopErie Innovation District Regional Growth Partnership Greater Erie Downtown Development Corporation Refocused 2040.” The organization’s new spokesperson Cecil Sparkmeyer says he imagines a smooth transition as everyone will work together for the betterment of our city. “We will be continuing the fine work that has already been started by the separate groups,” said Sparkmeyer. He added, “Basically, we plan on making many overly enthusiastic local news appearances talking about Erie’s bright future. Beyond that, well, I don’t know really. Maybe form some committees or something.”  Sparkmeyer added that he will continue to lead the new group until he finds a better job in another city.

 

Erie Times-News Shrinks Yet Again

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GateHouse Media, the out-of-town owners of the Erie Times-News, has announced its acquisition of the Valpak Company. The two Erie businesses will merge into a single product called the Erie Val-News.

Effective May 1, readers will receive their newspaper in those familiar blue envelopes mailed directly to homes in the tri-state area. Individual coupons, mixed in with traditional Valpak deals, will contain national and local news articles, the sports section, and one coupon for comics – with the exception of “Rex Morgan, M.D.”, which will have its own individual coupon because, well, obviously …

The media conglomerate’s statement, released yesterday, reads in full:

“Gatehouse is committed to continuing its proud tradition of acquiring, then sucking the life-blood out of once-vital local newspapers. Now, in addition to state-of-the-art articles by our veteran team of two interns and Pat Howard, the Erie Val-News will offer fantastic savings on pizza and tree stump removal services. A reader checking for, say, Aunt Kimberly’s viewing hours will also have the opportunity to pick up a great deal on garage door openers. Any questions? No? Great! … Oh, and by the way, your town is adorable!”

Gooferie contacted the Erie Times-News for comment, but no one was there.

 

Erie Coke to Add Scents to Harmful Benzene Emissions

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Responding to complaints from lower eastside residents, the oft-fined Erie Coke plant has decided to add pleasant scents to mask the unpleasant odor from the benzene emissions. According to Erie Coke Spokesperson Bob Gerunkel, the scents will change often.

“We understand that the odor can sometimes be off-putting, so starting in spring, we will add floral scents to the smoke – much like incense, or potpourri. The first scent will be lilac – starting April 30th,” said Gerunkel.

When asked if the new scents will mean less danger to those who breathe the air, Gerunkel replied,
“No. Oh, no. No. No. No. Not in the least.”

“Our position is that residents of the lower east side who complain about the emissions are simply taking too deep a breath of air. We would ask them to try and work with us by taking shorter breaths.”

Erie Coke also plans a series of “Throwback Scents” that will run every Thursday during the summer, beginning with the odor named “Hammermill -1975” on June 27th.

For a schedule of the scents, Gerunkel encourages all concerned citizens to check out Erie Coke’s Facebook page, providing they can stop coughing long enough to correctly type in the web address.

Coyote Who Helped Waffles Upset At Not Getting Any Credit

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In an exclusive interview Gooferie is hearing from Presque Isle coyote “Peninsula Pete” about his role in assisting Corgi puppy Waffles though his 60 hour ordeal. Last Sunday Waffles went missing after wandering on to the icy breakwaters of Lake Erie. Waffles endured more than two days and nights of frigid cold until he was found on Tuesday evening. “Yeah well he didn’t endure all that on his own.” said Pete, an Eastern Coyote and longtime resident of Presque Isle State Park. “Me and my pack helped the little guy.” When asked to elaborate Pete said he first noticed Waffles struggling on the ice late Sunday evening. “We go out on the ice a lot.” said Pete. “Lots of critters get stuck on the ice this time of year and well…you know…easy meal for us.” Pete went on to say that he and his pack led Waffles off the frozen lake. “We said he could hang with us for a while. I mean just because he’s Welsh doesn’t mean a fellow canine can’t lend a helping paw, right? I have nothing against immigrants.” Pete continued to say that he made sure Waffles was safe and warm. “But we couldn’t keep him with us forever so we led him to the road where his humans could find him.” Pete then expressed his disappointment at receiving no press, thanks or recognition for his role in helping Waffles. “All we’re hearing now is Waffles, Waffles, Waffles.” said Pete. “We yotes always get the shaft.” Gooferie reached out to Waffles for a comment. We did not hear from Waffles directly but his publicist told us that Waffles has nothing to say on this subject at the present time. “He just wants everyone to know that he loves you all, thanks you for your support and will not let this new found celebrity go to his head. He will be the same humble, adorable, brave, awesome little Corgi that he has always been.”

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