Millcreek Community Hospital to Sponsor Gridley Park Portable Toilet

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With the recent announcements of UPMC Hamot sponsoring the Erie Seawolves ballpark and Highmark Saint Vincent sponsoring the Liberty Park amphitheater, Millcreek Community Hospital has decided to get in the game by buying the naming rights for the port-a-potty at Gridley Park.

“We’ve seen what Hamot and Saint Vincent have done and want to let Erieites know that we are technically a hospital, too”, said spokesperson Ross Sewitch. “That’s why we are proud to announce that this port-a-potty will now proudly be known as the Millcreek Community Hospital Relief Center.”

The ribbon cutting ceremony was delayed when Mr. Sewitch forgot to bring the ribbon, so a roll toilet paper was used instead.

“I hope people think of our facility every time they use this facility.” said Sewitch.

Errant Cannon Fire from Niagara Deflates World’s Largest Rubber Duck

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Tragedy struck at Erie’s Tall Ships Festival this morning when a cannon from the Niagara misfired and shot a cannonball into the world’s largest rubber duck, deflating it within minutes.

Witnesses say the giant duck was floating about 30 yards from the Niagara when the shot was fired. “It’s a shame,” said festival patron Ernie, no last name given. “I’m awfully fond of that rubber ducky.”

Repairs are already underway as workers have gathered over 100 rolls of duck tape to patch up the hole.

The owners of the duck, Big Duck LLC, plan on sending the bill to the Niagara League. They will also submit an invoice for damages.

Light Bulb Burns Out at Zabawa, Crew of Five Working on it

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Volunteers at the annual Zabawa festival are working to replace a burned out light bulb that was located on the ceiling of the main tent. Festival spokesman Zbigniew Piędziesięciogroszówka said, “We have our best five men working on it. Right now the ladder is in place and we are determining who should climb it to get to the bulb.”

Piędziesięciogroszówka said this temporary inconvenience will not affect any other aspect of the festival, except that the popcorn booth may be short-staffed for a while.

In a related story, Myron Wladwa’s All-Tuba band will be taking the Zabawa stage an hour late, as they were stranded on an escalator earlier in the day due to a brief power outage.

Erie Baseball Mascot C. Wolf Shot by Overzealous Hunter

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Erie SeaWolves mascot C. Wolf is resting comfortably tonight after being shot while making a promotional appearance in West Springfield.

Mr. Wolf was posing for a photograph near a wooded area off Route 20 when a single shot, fired by hunter Hunter Danovitch, grazed his tail. Mr. Wolf immediately returned fire with his T-shirt gun, but missed Danovitch as the t-shirt unfolded mid-flight, landing only 15 feet away. “It was an accident, said Danovitch, “I thought it was a coyote on two legs.”

The mascot will be fine, according to team officials. “This is the first time I’ve ever been shot,” said Mr. Wolf, “and I’ve done five promotional tours of the lower east side.”

The Pennsylvania Game Commission will begin an investigation after the 7th inning stretch.

Waldameer to Expand Another Foot or so, add “Splash Puddle”

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Waldameer Park has announced yet another expansion as they have just finalized the purchase of nearly two square feet of property bordering Peninsula Drive, according to park Spokesman Steve Gorman. “We’re always looking to expand our footprint so we can offer new experiences to park visitors,” said Gorman.

The small section of paved lot will house the new “Splash Puddle” attraction, according to Gorman. “The Splash Puddle will be for those youngsters that are too intimidated by the other water rides.” The Splash Puddle will be open for two hours after every rainstorm, or until it dissipates.

Gorman added that they are looking at expanding an additional foot or two at the west end of the park, and hope to add a bench.

Erie Diocese to get “Broom of Shame” from Vatican

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In light of Bishop Lawrence Persico’s failure to cover up a sexual harassment scandal involving a priest from DuBois, The Vatican has announced that it is sending the Erie Diocese the “Scopa Autem Turpitudinum” (literally translated as “Broom of Shame”), to help the bishop sweep scandals under the rug.

“It’s our hope that the presence of this blessed broom will help keep any more scandals from reaching the ears of our parishioners,” said Bishop Persico. “I’m also asking all Erie Catholics to pray that the Diocese can get those that were harmed by the behavior of our clergy to sign the nondisclosure agreements.”

The bishop also announced that the sacred broom, which has been in use by the Church since the Middle Ages, will be kept in the sanctuary at St. Peter’s Cathedral. “The Erie Diocese with have the Scopa until another diocese needs it to cover up a scandal, so those wishing to view it should come sooner rather than later.”

Local Kool-Aid Stand to Move Operations to Fort Worth

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Citing rising labor costs, ten-year old Kool-Aid stand owner Katie Nelson has decided to move her entire operation to Fort Worth Texas.

“A glass of Kool-Aid costs 50 cents, said Katie. “I’m paying my little brother Mikey five cents per glass he pours, and it’s killing me. The labor market in Fort Worth is different; I can pay someone four cents per glass. At the end of the year, that will add up to a bigger bonus for me.”

This move is despite record profits for the Kool-Aid stand located at the corner of 33rd and Liberty.  “I know that we’ve had record profits this year,” said Katie “but that only means the profits are higher this year than any other year.”

Mikey Nelson says his sister has offered him a position at the newly constructed stand in Fort Worth, but has decided against it because he would be taking a pay cut and losing his accrued sick and vacation time. “I’m expecting to be laid off any day now,” he said.

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