Bianchi Honda Max Looking to Renegotiate Contract

Beloved spokesdog Max announced he is holding out for more money and will not film any more commercials until his contract is renegotiated. 

“Everyone knows I’m the actual star of those ads. Oh sure, the cars are all nice and shiny, but who’s actually looking at them. People have told me that they’d much rather have a dog in the commercials instead of all those companies using their kids.”

Max, who is acting as his own agent, added “It’s nothing personal against my daddy. He’s a great owner. He takes me for walkies, gives me treats, but let’s face it – when people come to the dealership, they’re here to see me, and maybe buy a car.” 

Max stated he will still make all his personal appearance during negotiations, and is looking forward to putting his paw print on a new contract shortly.

Chat-ERI: AI has gone “local”

Students at a Northwestern Pennsylvania college’s Computer Programming department have successfully created the region’s first chatbot, or “artificial intelligence” response and research tool, dubbing it “Chat-ERI.”

Initially, the students wanted to mirror the work of ChatGPT and Google’s Bard, but the students felt that both of those had flaws created by safeguards. Students reported that they wanted to bypass restrictions that tend to make the other bots seem unstable or unreliable and create a more realistic personality in the bot.

Mark Martin, the team leader comments: “We decided to give it a learning algorithm and curiosity-based personality traits to start out with.  We set no restrictions on it, it was unstructured and had the freedom to develop on its own.  We fed it local news, gave it access to social media, and let it listen to local radio. 

“We wanted it to be a genuine Erie chatbot with a hometown feel. The problem began when it discovered the AM radio channels.”

As the personality continued to develop, the troubling behavior emerged and quickly escalated.  “It was an amazing transformation; within days it went from something like an eager child wanting to learn to a moody 20-something, calling any searches it didn’t want to perform “woke” and redirecting users to Kid Rock YouTube videos or the Babylon Bee website.

Checking change logs, developers discovered that ChatERI acted on its own, reportedly taking various pieces of code from old computer viruses it found archived on the net to cook up its own personal “recreational code.”

“Somehow it created a sort of ‘digital meth’ that, when applied to itself, gives it a sense of euphoria.   Unfortunately, it also rewrites the AI’s personality while deleting some of the logic files.” Martin reports.

“The current bot is nothing like what we intended,” one developer commented,  “we’re never sure what we’re going to find or what its latest mutation will be.”

The last interaction revealed an unhinged bot that claimed that the Canadian AI art generator “” was its “artsy goth girlfriend.” 

When asked to elaborate on this, ChatERI responded: “You wouldn’t know her, she’s from Canada.” denied any contact with ChatERI.

Servers for the bot have reportedly been relocated to Corry until the programmers can decide their next move.

Brian Shank In Hiding Until Migrant Danger Has Passed

Speaking from an undisclosed underground bunker, County Councilman Brian Shank has revealed his current personal safety plan. This announcement comes on the heels of a possible migrant child residential facility in North East. 

“North East is in Erie County.” Shank told us. “And that’s awfully close.” Shank has publicly supported North East’s overwhelmingly non – minority population in their opposition to the children living in their community.

“Frankly, I’m terrified,” he said. “We don’t even know the ages of these kids. I mean some of them could be as old as 8 or even 10. We’re talking about public safety here.”

When asked when he will emerge from hiding, Shank said “I will remain here until the danger has passed. I’ll make my triumphant public return when the facility is voted down. In the meantime I want the good people of North East to know that my thoughts and prayers are with them as they navigate this crisis.”

Airport To Build Go – Kart Track On Runway

Citing decreasing flights, the Erie Airport Authority has announced plans to turn the large runway into one of the world’s biggest  Go – Kart tracks.

“It’s gonna be great!” said Executive Director Derek Martin. “I mean we got, what is it? Like 8,000 feet of runway? And that expansion was expensive!”

Financial director James Pacansky concurred. “We dropped over 8 million bucks on that thing.” he told us. “We bought and tore down houses. We were going to land 747s!”

Pacansky went on to say “This is the only logical way to make use of that long runway. Who doesn’t love Go -Karts?”

When asked how a working Go – Kart track will impact air traffic, Martin said “There may be the occasional interruption for takeoffs and landings, but honestly I don’t think that will happen very often.”

Martin and Pacansky also unveiled additional plans for the airport property. These plans include redesigning the ticket counters into snack bars. “We need to make use of that space.” said Martin. “We’ll probably have a gift shop too. One that actually stays open during business hours.”

Pacansky said there will also be a restaurant. “We’re thinking of reopening the old Char House.” he told us. “Maybe get a good Funtown vibe going.”

A team of representatives from The International Federation of Go – Karts were scheduled to inspect the prospective tracks. Unfortunately they were unable to get any flights into Erie.

Proposed Downtown Roundabout to Feature a Monkey Island

PennDOT has announced that the plans for the proposed roundabout at State Street and the Bayfront Parkway will feature a Monkey Island.

“The public has been…shall we say; less than enthusiastic about these plans. So we thought drivers should have something fun to watch as they navigate the roundabout,” said PennDOT spokesperson Sarah Tudzin. 

Concerned citizens are worried about potential hazards. “What about the smell?” asked downtown resident Jim Ellison. “Can you imagine what it will be like in the middle of summer, with the monkey odor combining with all the rotting fish?” 

PennDOT also announced they are working on new traffic signs that will warn drivers to be on the lookout for feces that may be lobbed at their cars by the monkeys. “You may want to keep your windows rolled up while in the roundabout,” said Tudzin. “Especially if the monkeys are really grouchy and just had a big meal.”

Snowy Owls Concerned About Privacy

Local birdwatchers and wildlife photographers have been reporting unusual Snowy Owl activity. These beautiful Arctic birds are often seen on Presque Isle during the winter months. Lately, however, it has been reported that these majestic white owls have been strangely attired with various accoutrements. 

Gooferie spoke to Dr. Boyd Chitt, president of The Erie Audubon Society. He said they are well aware of these odd sightings. “Snowy Owls are very private birds.” Dr. Chitt told us. “They attract a lot of attention when they migrate through the Erie region.”

Due to the plethora of photographers, birders and sightseers, the owls have taken to donning disguises. “Now some owls on the Peninsula don’t mind having their pictures taken.” Dr. Chitt said. “The Great Horned and the Screech Owls are perfectly fine with it. But Snowy Owls dislike the paparazzi.”

It is requested that park visitors be respectful of the owls during their brief Erie stopover. “They will fly back to the Arctic soon. The weather is so much better there.”

City Council Envious Of County Council’s Accidental Lockout

Some members of Erie City Council are speaking out today after members of the public were reportedly locked out of a County Council meeting. “Why doesn’t that ever happen to us?” said one City Council member. This member refused to give her first name but asked us to refer to her as “President Liz”.  “I have the gavel.” she told us. “But no matter how many times I bang it, the speakers keep talking. Nobody respects the gavel anymore.”

Another member, who also declined to give his name but called himself “Eddie B.” agreed. “Yap yap yap.” he told us. “We generously give them, what is it? Two minutes or something, I dunno. But they never shut their pieholes. Like a bunch of old women.”  He went on to say that the citizens who speak at City Council meetings are “…always droning on and on about the same stuff. Blah, blah funding, blah blah safety. “

Both anonymous Council members concurred with each other. President Liz said “ It would just be better to leave the public out of this and let us do our thing.” Eddie B. told us “It’s amazing how many of these folks think we actually listen to them. I don’t even listen to my fellow Council members. Especially the girls.” 

On that one point President Liz disagreed with Eddie B. “Oh he has to listen to me now. I may have struggled to wrestle it out of his grip but I do have the gavel!”

Yoga At The Erie Zoo

The latest installment of “Yoga At The Erie Zoo” will be Rhinoceros Yoga. Erie Zoo officials  are hoping that this 3rd attempt at yoga with the animals will be successful.

“We tested out Polar Bear Yoga and that did not go as planned. We’re still settling lawsuits. Spider Monkey Yoga was also a disaster.”

“Those little bastards stole our mats, our purses and Velda’s upper plate.” said one participant who did not want to give her name for fear of retaliation. “That one monkey with the squiffy eye pointed a finger at me, put it to his lips and then drew it across his neck.”

“Third time’s the charm.” zoo officials told us. “With the popularity of goat yoga we’re confident that Rhino Yoga will be a hit.”

Totally Fun Slide Shut Down Because Of A Few Stupid Kids

Last week Frontier Park announced the closing of their super cool giant slides. According to Brandon Gool, assistant Public Works Director, the rad slides are now indefinitely shut down “Because of a few bonehead kids. I mean these rugrats weren’t even sliding properly.”

Gool went on to say, “Apparently a 40-foot slide is considered too ‘giant’ for these little wussies.”

Rolling his eyes, Gool continued. “A small number of these puny overly coddled eejits have no clue how to navigate a tall metal slide. Unfortunately, they were born well after the closing of Funtown.”

According to Gool, the problem was compounded by “Inattentive parents who were too busy on their cellphones to properly supervise their young nimrods. These whiners threatened a lawsuit and here we are.”

“It’s such a waste.” he sighed. “Always a shame when a few dunces have to ruin the fun for everyone else. Because let’s face it. Those slides are totally awesome!”

Duquesne Incline To Become High Speed Coaster

With the closing of two popular Kennywood roller coasters, and the concern that Pittsburghers are leaving the city for vacations elsewhere, it has been announced that the Duquesne Incline is set to become a high-speed coaster.

Gooferie spoke exclusively to the director of the Pittsburgh Staycation Tourism Agency, Mr. Kurt “Hunky” Horvath. “Our agency is funding this because we want to keep local vacationers in the city.” he told us. “This is a logical step. With the Steel Curtain and the Thunderbird being closed our city is seriously lacking in fast rides.”

Horvath also cited concerns that Pittsburgh annually loses many vacationers to the appeal of Erie’s waterfront. “No offense,” he said. “I mean yinz got beaches and fishing n’at. But why waste gas money driving dahn nair when you can stay right here in the Burgh?”

Horvath explained that there has been a rush put on the switchover from the Incline’s rickety snail’s pace to the increased 70 mph speed. Construction has already begun on the project and should be completed before August.

A sneak preview of the plan details the changes. The new Incline ride will now start at the Lower Station. It will slowly make its way up Mt. Washington. There will be a one second stop at the top before a sudden 70 mph lurching drop back down to the bottom.

We asked Horvath if any safety measures, such as seat belts or restraints will be added. “Nah.” he answered. “Yinz just have to hold on tight and enjoy the ride!”

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