Light Bulb Burns Out at Zabawa, Crew of Five Working on it

Zabawa tent

Volunteers at the annual Zabawa festival are working to replace a burned out light bulb that was located on the ceiling of the main tent. Festival spokesman Zbigniew Piędziesięciogroszówka said, “We have our best five men working on it. Right now the ladder is in place and we are determining who should climb it to get to the bulb.”

Piędziesięciogroszówka said this temporary inconvenience will not affect any other aspect of the festival, except that the popcorn booth may be short-staffed for a while.

In a related story, Myron Wladwa’s All-Tuba band will be taking the Zabawa stage an hour late, as they were stranded on an escalator earlier in the day due to a brief power outage.

Erie Baseball Mascot C. Wolf Shot by Overzealous Hunter

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Erie SeaWolves mascot C. Wolf is resting comfortably tonight after being shot while making a promotional appearance in West Springfield.

Mr. Wolf was posing for a photograph near a wooded area off Route 20 when a single shot, fired by hunter Hunter Danovitch, grazed his tail. Mr. Wolf immediately returned fire with his T-shirt gun, but missed Danovitch as the t-shirt unfolded mid-flight, landing only 15 feet away. “It was an accident, said Danovitch, “I thought it was a coyote on two legs.”

The mascot will be fine, according to team officials. “This is the first time I’ve ever been shot,” said Mr. Wolf, “and I’ve done five promotional tours of the lower east side.”

The Pennsylvania Game Commission will begin an investigation after the 7th inning stretch.

Waldameer to Expand Another Foot or so, add “Splash Puddle”

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Waldameer Park has announced yet another expansion as they have just finalized the purchase of nearly two square feet of property bordering Peninsula Drive, according to park Spokesman Steve Gorman. “We’re always looking to expand our footprint so we can offer new experiences to park visitors,” said Gorman.

The small section of paved lot will house the new “Splash Puddle” attraction, according to Gorman. “The Splash Puddle will be for those youngsters that are too intimidated by the other water rides.” The Splash Puddle will be open for two hours after every rainstorm, or until it dissipates.

Gorman added that they are looking at expanding an additional foot or two at the west end of the park, and hope to add a bench.

Erie Diocese to get “Broom of Shame” from Vatican

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In light of Bishop Lawrence Persico’s failure to cover up a sexual harassment scandal involving a priest from DuBois, The Vatican has announced that it is sending the Erie Diocese the “Scopa Autem Turpitudinum” (literally translated as “Broom of Shame”), to help the bishop sweep scandals under the rug.

“It’s our hope that the presence of this blessed broom will help keep any more scandals from reaching the ears of our parishioners,” said Bishop Persico. “I’m also asking all Erie Catholics to pray that the Diocese can get those that were harmed by the behavior of our clergy to sign the nondisclosure agreements.”

The bishop also announced that the sacred broom, which has been in use by the Church since the Middle Ages, will be kept in the sanctuary at St. Peter’s Cathedral. “The Erie Diocese with have the Scopa until another diocese needs it to cover up a scandal, so those wishing to view it should come sooner rather than later.”

Local Kool-Aid Stand to Move Operations to Fort Worth

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Citing rising labor costs, ten-year old Kool-Aid stand owner Katie Nelson has decided to move her entire operation to Fort Worth Texas.

“A glass of Kool-Aid costs 50 cents, said Katie. “I’m paying my little brother Mikey five cents per glass he pours, and it’s killing me. The labor market in Fort Worth is different; I can pay someone four cents per glass. At the end of the year, that will add up to a bigger bonus for me.”

This move is despite record profits for the Kool-Aid stand located at the corner of 33rd and Liberty.  “I know that we’ve had record profits this year,” said Katie “but that only means the profits are higher this year than any other year.”

Mikey Nelson says his sister has offered him a position at the newly constructed stand in Fort Worth, but has decided against it because he would be taking a pay cut and losing his accrued sick and vacation time. “I’m expecting to be laid off any day now,” he said.

Study: East Side Still Technically Part of Erie

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Local officials are reacting to the results of a recent study that indicates that the area east of State Street to Bird Drive is legally considered part of the City of Erie.

“We had the city solicitor and a panel of lawyers look at the city’s charter and, unfortunately, the east side is part of Erie,” according to Mayor Joe Sinnott.

“It’s been a long time coming,” said lifelong East side resident Albert Smith as he kicked an empty shell casing to the curb. “Maybe the mayor will even cross State Street and visit. We do have some good sub shops over here.”

When told of the sub shops, the mayor said, “Hmm, I just might roll my office chair over there someday – during daylight, of course.”

Shots Fired Pretty Much Everywhere

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Erie police are again up to their ankles in shell casings as they continue to investigate multiple shots fired calls in the city. “It’s like the Wild West out there,” said a police spokesman, “Except the guns are much more accurate, and there’s no horses.”  

Mayor Joe Sinnott is urging caution for city residents. “I’m on my way to get measured for a bullet proof vest to wear under my motorcycle riding vest,” said the mayor. “They don’t have my size in stock.” He then wistfully looked at his desk calendar that had the date January 2, 2018 circled, with a note stating “Term is over – get the hell out of Erie.”

Officials are also looking into adding some additional coroners for what they expect to be a busy summer season.  When asked for comment, Coroner Lyell Cook responded in such a deep voice that no one could understand what he said.

 

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