Boil Meth Advisory Issued for East Springfield


Following  the recent arrest of two people in East Springfield for allegedly operating a meth lab, Erie County officials have issued an advisory for East Springfield area meth users, recommending that they boil their meth due to high bacteria counts found in the seized supply.

“As a precaution, the meth should be boiled for 30 seconds in a pan of water,” according to a spokesman at the Erie County Department of Health.  “That should remove most of the bacteria.”

State police caution that while boiling the meth will remove any pathogens, the meth itself will still be very dangerous.

Superstore Joe Says “No” to Telemarketer


Despite his many commercials featuring him always saying “yes,” local auto dealer Superstore Joe recently said “no” to a telemarketer when asked if he wanted to purchase a vacation cruise package to Aruba.

The telemarketer, a heavily accented man by the name “Freddy”, had apparently seen the commercials, and figured he was in for an easy sale. Joe took the opportunity to try and sell Freddy a Fiat, which led to the telemarketer cursing him out in Italian.

Superstore Joe then angrily ended the call by telling Freddy, “I wanna see ya – get diarrhea.”

Joe then placed a call to a local DJ, who spent the entire conversation pretending to be amazed at the deals being offered.

City Council Enacts Clown Ban


Local clowns are crying on the inside today as Erie City Council has enacted a ban on clowns within city limits.

Council decided to enact the law in a meeting today, after fielding numerous calls from citizens about the recent rash of clown sightings and associated “funny business.”

Specifically, the ordinance bans fake lapel flowers, red noses, and bow ties over one foot in length. The law also includes a reminder that Pennsylvania’s open-carry laws do not apply to bottles of seltzer.

Council has also instructed city police to pull over any Volkswagen that contains 10 or more occupants, and to be on the lookout for oversize footwear that is “comical” in nature.

Mayor Joe Sinnott has stated he will sign the legislation “after this next karaoke song.”

Millcreek Community Hospital to Sponsor Gridley Park Portable Toilet


With the recent announcements of UPMC Hamot sponsoring the Erie Seawolves ballpark and Highmark Saint Vincent sponsoring the Liberty Park amphitheater, Millcreek Community Hospital has decided to get in the game by buying the naming rights for the port-a-potty at Gridley Park.

“We’ve seen what Hamot and Saint Vincent have done and want to let Erieites know that we are technically a hospital, too”, said spokesperson Ross Sewitch. “That’s why we are proud to announce that this port-a-potty will now proudly be known as the Millcreek Community Hospital Relief Center.”

The ribbon cutting ceremony was delayed when Mr. Sewitch forgot to bring the ribbon, so a roll toilet paper was used instead.

“I hope people think of our facility every time they use this facility.” said Sewitch.

Errant Cannon Fire from Niagara Deflates World’s Largest Rubber Duck


Tragedy struck at Erie’s Tall Ships Festival this morning when a cannon from the Niagara misfired and shot a cannonball into the world’s largest rubber duck, deflating it within minutes.

Witnesses say the giant duck was floating about 30 yards from the Niagara when the shot was fired. “It’s a shame,” said festival patron Ernie, no last name given. “I’m awfully fond of that rubber ducky.”

Repairs are already underway as workers have gathered over 100 rolls of duck tape to patch up the hole.

The owners of the duck, Big Duck LLC, plan on sending the bill to the Niagara League. They will also submit an invoice for damages.

Light Bulb Burns Out at Zabawa, Crew of Five Working on it

Zabawa tent

Volunteers at the annual Zabawa festival are working to replace a burned out light bulb that was located on the ceiling of the main tent. Festival spokesman Zbigniew Piędziesięciogroszówka said, “We have our best five men working on it. Right now the ladder is in place and we are determining who should climb it to get to the bulb.”

Piędziesięciogroszówka said this temporary inconvenience will not affect any other aspect of the festival, except that the popcorn booth may be short-staffed for a while.

In a related story, Myron Wladwa’s All-Tuba band will be taking the Zabawa stage an hour late, as they were stranded on an escalator earlier in the day due to a brief power outage.

Erie Baseball Mascot C. Wolf Shot by Overzealous Hunter


Erie SeaWolves mascot C. Wolf is resting comfortably tonight after being shot while making a promotional appearance in West Springfield.

Mr. Wolf was posing for a photograph near a wooded area off Route 20 when a single shot, fired by hunter Hunter Danovitch, grazed his tail. Mr. Wolf immediately returned fire with his T-shirt gun, but missed Danovitch as the t-shirt unfolded mid-flight, landing only 15 feet away. “It was an accident, said Danovitch, “I thought it was a coyote on two legs.”

The mascot will be fine, according to team officials. “This is the first time I’ve ever been shot,” said Mr. Wolf, “and I’ve done five promotional tours of the lower east side.”

The Pennsylvania Game Commission will begin an investigation after the 7th inning stretch.

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