Mayor Sinnott Petitions City Council to Keep His Office Chair After Term Expires

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With the end of his term as mayor drawing to a close in less than 12 months, Mayor Joe Sinnott is petitioning City Council to keep his chair that has comfortably supported him behind his mahogany desk in the fifth floor of City Hall for nearly 12 years.

“People who have criticized me for not doing enough to address the issues our city faces have never sat in this chair,” said the mayor, referring to the all-leather Armstrong Model GC-908 Executive Chair. “I promise that anyone who sits in it will be way too comfortable to actually get out of it and do something proactive for the community.”

Sinnott is already reminiscing about the great times he has spent with his chair. “One of my favorite things to do is roll on over to the window and see all the police cars speeding over to the east side. I keep hearing about some crime issues over there, or something.”

Sinnott says he also hopes to keep his karaoke machine, but will let the new mayor use it as long as they promise not to sing any Nickelback songs.

Erie Air Traffic Controllers to be Replaced by Guy with Binoculars

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The Erie Regional Airport Authority has reached a compromise with the FAA to keep air traffic control in local hands, after a plan was announced to take away all Erie-based air traffic controllers and move operations to Buffalo.

The authority has announced the hiring of “Ted”, who will be stationed on the tarmac and will visually track planes landing and departing.  Ted will be equipped with a pair of binoculars and a walkie-talkie. Addressing concerns that a pair of binoculars will not be sufficient to see the planes, Ted replied “I have also been issued a step-stool, which will assist in identifying planes at higher altitudes.”

When asked if passenger safety will be compromised, an official with the authority who chose to remain anonymous responded, “Oh, yes.”

The authority is still unsure of what the procedure will be when Ted is on vacation.

Former Erie County Farms Shoppers Gather to Share Memories, Scars

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Over 50 former shoppers of the now-closed Erie County Farms gathered today outside the building to reminisce about the injuries they received while fighting over the various meats and cheeses sold at a discounted price.

“I got this scar on Memorial Day weekend in 1973,” said Jim Reilly, pointing to his left arm. “They had just put out 10 pound bags of ground beef, and there was a mad scramble for the bags. I grabbed mine and held on for dear life while others grabbed at the bag, gouging my arm in the process.” Reilly spent two days at the hospital. “I missed my family picnic, but at least they had hamburgers!”

Paul Quinn had a similar story when shopping for chicken legs. “There was a crowd waiting around the bin for the chicken legs. I tried to sneak in, but slipped and fell on the floor, which they had just bleached for the tenth time that day. I didn’t get the chicken legs, but I still have this plate in my head, and the memories.”

Reese Campbell didn’t have any physical scars to show off, but he delighted the gathering with his memory of grabbing the last ham on the day before Easter, and being sworn at in 17 different languages.

“People who didn’t go there think there was always some kind of ruckus, but it wasn’t so bad”, said Susan Gardner. “It was probably only 25 or so times that Natalie had to draw her gun.”

Police on Lookout for Suspect in Credit Card Theft

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Erie police have released a surveillance photo in hopes that the public can help locate a suspect in a reported credit card theft. The suspect was seen at K-Mart on East Grandview allegedly using the stolen card.

The suspect is described as a male or female approximately 5’ 4” to 6’ 2” tall, weighing between 150 and 250 pounds. The suspect was last seen wearing a shirt of undetermined color, most likely blue; pants, and shoes on both feet.

If you have any information about the person in the photograph, you are asked to contact Erie police.

Boil Meth Advisory Issued for East Springfield

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Following  the recent arrest of two people in East Springfield for allegedly operating a meth lab, Erie County officials have issued an advisory for East Springfield area meth users, recommending that they boil their meth due to high bacteria counts found in the seized supply.

“As a precaution, the meth should be boiled for 30 seconds in a pan of water,” according to a spokesman at the Erie County Department of Health.  “That should remove most of the bacteria.”

State police caution that while boiling the meth will remove any pathogens, the meth itself will still be very dangerous.

Superstore Joe Says “No” to Telemarketer

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Despite his many commercials featuring him always saying “yes,” local auto dealer Superstore Joe recently said “no” to a telemarketer when asked if he wanted to purchase a vacation cruise package to Aruba.

The telemarketer, a heavily accented man by the name “Freddy”, had apparently seen the commercials, and figured he was in for an easy sale. Joe took the opportunity to try and sell Freddy a Fiat, which led to the telemarketer cursing him out in Italian.

Superstore Joe then angrily ended the call by telling Freddy, “I wanna see ya – get diarrhea.”

Joe then placed a call to a local DJ, who spent the entire conversation pretending to be amazed at the deals being offered.

City Council Enacts Clown Ban

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Local clowns are crying on the inside today as Erie City Council has enacted a ban on clowns within city limits.

Council decided to enact the law in a meeting today, after fielding numerous calls from citizens about the recent rash of clown sightings and associated “funny business.”

Specifically, the ordinance bans fake lapel flowers, red noses, and bow ties over one foot in length. The law also includes a reminder that Pennsylvania’s open-carry laws do not apply to bottles of seltzer.

Council has also instructed city police to pull over any Volkswagen that contains 10 or more occupants, and to be on the lookout for oversize footwear that is “comical” in nature.

Mayor Joe Sinnott has stated he will sign the legislation “after this next karaoke song.”

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