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Erie School District to Arm Teachers with Lacrosse Sticks

lacstxInspired by the Millcreek School District’s decision to issue miniature baseball bats to its teachers, the Erie School District is now providing lacrosse sticks to its teachers for classroom defense.

“We saw what Millcreek did, and we are taking it a step further,” said ESD spokesperson Kate Schellenbach. “Baseball bats are OK, but we feel lacrosse sticks will be far more confusing.”

An intensive six-week training course will start next week, as the teachers will learn the seven- step technique and the four different grips that will allow the stick holder to defuse the situation.

The plan comes after 500 lacrosse sticks were recently found in the basement of Strong Vincent Middle School during renovations. “Apparently back in the mid-60’s, there was a push to have lacrosse teams at all local high schools,” said Schellenbach. “Therefore, this won’t cost taxpayers anything, but teachers will be responsible for buying their own grip tape.”

ESD is also urging teachers to keep sharpened pencils at the ready, in the unlikely scenario that the lacrosse sticks aren’t effective.

 

 

Grossman Starts GoFundMe Page to Build Garvey Statue

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Former Erie County Executive Barry Grossman has followed up on his comments that there should be a monument honoring the late William Garvey by starting a GoFundMe page to raise money to build a statue.

“As I said in my earlier interview, Dr. Garvey had flaws, just but we need to look past those flaws, no matter how serious they were, and no matter how many young people were affected for the rest of their lives by his flaws.”

Grossman hopes to raise $250,000 for the statue. “I want it to be the tallest monument in Erie, as Dr. Garvey was the greatest man ever in the history of Erie.” When asked if he had any concerns due to the accusations against the late Dr. Garvey, Grossman replied, “These accusations came from poor and working-class people, so they are obviously lying.”

The site is up and running, and has many anonymous donations so far:

$25 from P.C. – “I am author-izing a check in honor of this saint of a man.”

$50 from G.B. – “I want to thank Dr. Garvey for putting me in the position he thought would be best.”

$25 from H.M. – “My wife made me donate this.”

$75 from M.D. – “I took the money I saved from not buying newspapers to make this donation.”

$50 from D.T – “Dr. Garvey was a good Catholic and did the right thing by simply moving to another institution when credibly accused of crimes against children.”

 

 

H.R. McMaster To Be Replaced By H.R. Pufnstuf

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The White House announced today that President Trump has chosen a replacement for outgoing National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster. In less than a month McMaster will be stepping down from his post. The Trump administration’s third National Security Adviser will be live action dragon H. R. Pufnstuf. A White House staffer, on condition of anonymity, said that the president requested someone with a similar sounding name “so as not to be too confusing”. Pufnstuf is no stranger to politics having been mayor of Living Island since 1969. In that capacity he has consistently kept the island safe from witches. He is also said to be a good friend “when things get rough”.

Dr. James Barker Would Like “Another One of Those, Please”

James Barker

Stretched out on a chaise lounge under a warm, bright sun shielded by a natural canopy of palm trees, former Erie School Superintendent James Barker casually informed “Paco,” a waiter at the exclusive resort where he was staying, that he would like a second beverage of the kind that was provided to him earlier.

As he was enjoying his libation, Dr. Barker took out his MacBook and found an article on the deteriorating Erie School District, which he had luckily escaped several years ago. As he read of the district’s dire circumstances, his eyes straining due to the reflection of his gold watch on the screen, Barker remarked, “Those poor bastards,” before clicking over to an online collection of Garfield cartoons. Lighting another cigar, he began chuckling heartily as his memories of Erie continued to fade away.

 

 

Lou Aliota Sues Himself “I’m costing the taxpayers way too much money”

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In a surprise announcement, Millcreek school board member Lou Aliota has decided to sue himself in civil court, alleging that he has cost Millcreek taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars for unnecessary requests during his short time on the school board.

“I know that I’ve lost all my previous lawsuits, but this one is different. By suing myself, I win even if I lose.”

The lawsuit comes on the heel of the board’s censure of Aliota in last February, and amid the current lawsuit Aliota has filed against the school board.

Aliota also announced that he will seek the seat that has opened with the resignation of Donna Reese, so that he can have two votes on the board.

 

Ice Dune Playground Opens at Presque Isle

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Officials at Presque Isle State Park have announced the opening of an ice dune playground, adding to the winter activities at the park.

“We just got sick of telling people to stay off the ice dunes,” said park official Peter Bramall. “So, we decided to let these imbeci- uh, I mean, park visitors enjoy them.”

The playground spans the three largest ice dunes on Beach 1. The tallest dune will be open for climbing as well.

“My parents wouldn’t let me play on the ice dunes when I was a child,” said Erie resident James Murphy. “Well,  I’m not going to deny my kids the opportunity to climb all over these majestic frozen peaks.”

In addition, an out of town vendor will have a food tent to sell gazpacho, ice cream, and cold drinks.

As Murphy stood in line at the gazpacho tent; far from where his kids were playing, he explained why he loves the peninsula. “It’s so peaceful out here. I could listen to the seagulls all day. They almost sound like children yelling for help.”

 

 

Supervisor Clears Up Millcreek Sign Confusion

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There has been some recent confusion over political sign ordinances in Millcreek Township. We contacted Supervisor John Groh to clarify what is and is not permitted during the next election term. “The two other supervisors and I held an emergency meeting about this issue.” said Groh. “Truthfully we really don’t have all that much to do anyway. The meeting went on for 24 straight hours and I believe we have come to a consensus.”  The new sign regulations are as follows: All signs must be rectangular. Triangles, circles and octagons are not permitted. True squares are allowed but discouraged as they distract from rectangular signs. All signs must be 18 inches high and two feet wide. Signs must be placed no less than 5 feet from the residence, 7 feet from the sidewalk and 10 feet from the road. Signs must be constructed from single wall corrugated cardboard only! Double and triple corrugated cardboard signs will be pulled out of the ground and stomped by any one of Millcreek’s three supervisors. Signs must be upright on neat well manicured lawns with no more than two inches of grass. Grass must be green and healthy. Dead or brown grass will result in instant sign confiscation. Sign lettering must be Sans Serif. Any political signs with Serif fonts will be doused with accellerant and burned onsite. The preferred color scheme for signs is red, white and blue. Garish colors such as purple, teal and neon pink are strictly forbidden. Burnt umber is an acceptable color for political signs but burnt sienna is taboo. Sign stakes must be made of untreated wood and dig no more than 6 inches into the ground. Dark wood and particle board are banned. Signs must be connected to the wooden stakes with galvanized staples only. Non galvanized staples will not be tolerated. All signs must be laminated. Non laminated signs will be destroyed by Millcreek Township bulldozers at the homeowner’s expense. “I will personally inspect each and every sign for lamination violations.” said Groh. “I hope there will be at least one because they said I could drive the bulldozer. Yay!”

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