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Commodore Perry’s Welcoming Speech 1812

Gooferie researchers have uncovered an amazing artifact from the Battle of Lake Erie. An extremely rare video of Oliver Hazard Perry welcoming sailors onto the Flagship Niagara. This video has not been seen in over 200 years!

EPD Looking For Dork

The Erie Police Department is asking for the public’s help in finding the dork pictured
above in connection with a retail theft from WalMart.

The above pictured dork is easily identifiable by the “Moe” bowl haircut and goofy grin.
Erie Police are currently checking with all known lousy hair stylists in the area,
to see if this dorkus malorkus had been in the
barber chair within the last few weeks.

EPD advises that if you encounter the above dork, call
the Corry Barracks. Troopers caution not to engage the dork, as there
may be a chance his dorkiness could rub off on the general public.

Frontier Park Slide Too Costly, Catapult to be Added Instead

 

With the lone bid for a proposed slide at Frontier Park coming in over budget, officials at the nonprofit group L.E.A.F. have changed plans, and will now build a catapult that will transport visitors from one end of the park to another.

According to spokesperson Bobby “Bo” Tannicle, the catapult will actually be an improvement over the slide. “The slide would have only taken people 40 feet. With the catapult, we can send people over 100 feet, and can land them in various sections of the park.”

Tannicle added, “Since safety of park visitors is a concern, those using the catapult will be required to wear a helmet.”

L.E.A.F. officials are currently checking out front lawns on the lower east side to gather used mattresses to cushion the landing zones.

Local Drug House Marks 200 Years of Business

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A well-known local drug house on Erie’s lower west side is marking the 200th year of drug activity at that location.

The house at 520 Cascade has been providing patrons with illegal substances since the previous building, a simple log structure, opened in 1819. This is according to local historian Ken Hartley – Reed, citing a study of an archaeological dig done at that site in the late 1800s, prior to the construction of the current edifice. “We found evidence of laudanum use by visiting sailors in the decade following the war of 1812.”

Evidence also shows that opium from China was sold out of that house in the middle 1800s most likely brought by ships from Asia and then through the recently completed Erie Canal.

Starting in 1920 with Prohibition, the house served as a speakeasy, providing illegal liquor until 1933.. Throughout the rest of the 20th century, the house met the needs of its clients with a never ending variety of substances. Marijuana in the 40s and 50s, LSD in the 60s, cocaine in the 70s, crack in the 80s all the way up until its current incarnation as a meth house.

Said Hartley – Reed, “We even have evidence that the Eriez tribe used psylosibin mushrooms on that site as far back as 1619, so really you could say it’s been a drug house for 400 years.”

EDDC to Bring Successful Businesses Downtown By Ousting Successful Businesses

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The Erie Downtown Development Corporation is under fire for forcing out three local businesses from their locations at North Park Row in downtown Erie.

The EDDC has businesses already lined up for two of the three soon to be vacant storefronts. Spokesperson Vernon White announced they are working on a lease to bring a Wonder Bread outlet store where Khao Thai currently operates, and a Mayonnaise Emporium where the Hookah Lounge is. “We are also currently in discussions to place a vanilla ice cream shop where the future former Tandoori Hut stands,” said White.

“We don’t want to discourage minority owned businesses, but we have an obligation to make money for our non-minority shareholders,” said White. When asked if the EDDC was prepared for the reaction of this news from a public relations standpoint, White replied, “Public relations? What’s that?”

Local Improvement Groups to Merge, As if That Will Help

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Following a lengthy meeting at a vacant lot somewhere on Parade Street, Erie’s numerous improvement groups have decided to merge into one unified group.  Going forward, this new group will be known as “The DevelopErie Innovation District Regional Growth Partnership Greater Erie Downtown Development Corporation Refocused 2040.” The organization’s new spokesperson Cecil Sparkmeyer says he imagines a smooth transition as everyone will work together for the betterment of our city. “We will be continuing the fine work that has already been started by the separate groups,” said Sparkmeyer. He added, “Basically, we plan on making many overly enthusiastic local news appearances talking about Erie’s bright future. Beyond that, well, I don’t know really. Maybe form some committees or something.”  Sparkmeyer added that he will continue to lead the new group until he finds a better job in another city.

 

Erie Times-News Shrinks Yet Again

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GateHouse Media, the out-of-town owners of the Erie Times-News, has announced its acquisition of the Valpak Company. The two Erie businesses will merge into a single product called the Erie Val-News.

Effective May 1, readers will receive their newspaper in those familiar blue envelopes mailed directly to homes in the tri-state area. Individual coupons, mixed in with traditional Valpak deals, will contain national and local news articles, the sports section, and one coupon for comics – with the exception of “Rex Morgan, M.D.”, which will have its own individual coupon because, well, obviously …

The media conglomerate’s statement, released yesterday, reads in full:

“Gatehouse is committed to continuing its proud tradition of acquiring, then sucking the life-blood out of once-vital local newspapers. Now, in addition to state-of-the-art articles by our veteran team of two interns and Pat Howard, the Erie Val-News will offer fantastic savings on pizza and tree stump removal services. A reader checking for, say, Aunt Kimberly’s viewing hours will also have the opportunity to pick up a great deal on garage door openers. Any questions? No? Great! … Oh, and by the way, your town is adorable!”

Gooferie contacted the Erie Times-News for comment, but no one was there.

 

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