gooferie

When the Erie Zoo reopens in the coming months, visitors should expect to see less animals. “We’ve downsized.” said Emily Lindsay, spokeswoman for the Zoo. 

A new exhibit will exclusively reside within the Zoo’s main building. “Get ready to meet Fifi, Pierre and Chirpy!” Lindsay said. These three new animals , all locally sourced, will be a part of the Erie Zoo’s “Two Poodles and a Parakeet” display. “They are fascinating to watch.” Lindsay told us. “And we’re teaching Chirpy to ask for donations.”

As for outdoor exhibits, Lindsay assured us that there will still be fun animals to watch. “Our immersive wild sparrow exhibit will remain to delight visitors.”

Despite recent criticism of Millcreek Township’s lack of a residency requirement for fire department personnel, township supervisors have announced the hiring of new Assistant Assistant Chief William McTeine, who is currently residing in Des Moines, Iowa. “It really is a remote job anyway,” said Supervisor Kim Clear. “Any volunteer on site during a fire can step in and be chief, as we’ve already seen.”

McTeine will be on call for any fire that lasts more than 12 hours, as that is the drive time from his home in Des Moines to Millcreek. Clear added “There were many Millcreek residents with similar qualifications, but Mr. McTeine is just an ever so slightly bit more qualified than all the other applicants.” In responding to criticism of the township’s hiring practices, Clear stated, “At least we have a better hiring record than the school board.”

Following the successful relocation of the Olds-Norman House from West Seventh Street to West Sixth Street, Gannon University has announced a plan to move a homeless man from in front of the south entrance of Nash Library to a bench in front of the Erie County Courthouse on October 10th at 7:00am.

To perform this difficult task, the university has hired the firm of Vey-Grant Movers, a nationally known company that specializes in relocations. “We plan on waiting until this man is asleep, and then the movers will use their specialized equipment to lift him gently off the bench where he is currently residing,” said Gannon Interim Vice-Deputy Spokesperson Gregory MacDonald. “He will then be rotated 180 degrees so when the move is complete, he’ll be facing Sixth Street.” Special viewing areas will be established for the public to witness this historic move, which should take about six hours, weather permitting.  

McDonald said the move will place the individual “Off the Gannon campus before the October Open House.”

Facing yet another delay in their Bayfront Highway project, officials at PennDOT are now expressing regrets at how the multimillion Bayfront Parkway project was handled. Spokesperson Jill Harry believes mistakes were made in choosing the project leader. “In retrospect, we shouldn’t have given final approval to Rupert.” Harry is referring to Rupert McMonkey, the PennDOT office support animal. “When the Erie Zoo lost funding, they couldn’t afford to keep the monkey exhibit. They started farming out some of the smarter monkeys to local government offices as support staff. He was doing really well with the engineering tasks we gave him, so we thought he would be able to handle this project.” Problems appeared soon after the project began. Rupert never thought to check for things under the dirt. Of course, why would that occur to a monkey? So, mea culpa on that one.” She was quick to add that not all the problems were Rupert’s fault. “None of us thought that we would find underground water that close to the bay.”

The project team would often have disagreements that would lead to “biting” and the occasional “tossing of feces,” sometimes even involving Rupert.  When asked if the Bayfront Parkway was indeed going to be closed for 18 months, Harry quickly dispelled that rumor. “Of course not, it’s going to be much longer than that. 18 months is just PennDOT speak for two years or more.”

The Erie Police Department has confirmed that all three newly sworn in police dogs have been removed from duty. Bo, Atlas, and Deacon, the specially trained Belgian Malinois K9s, were taken into custody by local ICE agents.

This surprising move is a part of “Operation Patriotic Pooches,” a recently implemented program designed to prevent foreign dog breeds from taking jobs from homegrown American dogs. While Belgian Malinois are known to be exceptional law enforcement dogs, there is some concern about their origins in Europe.

“It’s definitely a blow to the department.” said Chief Daniel Spizarny. “Unfortunately, we were unable to produce proper AKC registrations to prove the dogs’ birthplaces. And it clearly says Belgian right there in the breed name.” Chief Spizarny could neither confirm nor deny reports that the three pups are already on a plane to Antwerp where they will be housed in a specialized kennel.

As for replacement K9 units, Spizarny said that three new dogs are already in place and getting to know their new handlers. “We had to go with an American breed.” he told us. Starting tomorrow three American Cocker Spaniels, Snuffles, Boo-Boo, and Pixie, will be hitting the streets with patrol officers.

Chief Spizarny told us that these new dogs will not be able to sniff drugs, chase or take down perps heavier than 75 pounds. “But gosh, they are really freaking adorable.”

Increasingly unable to keep up with Erie’s onslaught of snow, PennDot is now calling upon our youngest citizens to take up their plows. “We have no choice at this point” said local PennDot spokesman Andy Hummel. “It’s time to bring out the big guns. Or should I say the small guns?”

Hummel went on to say “We are asking that any child with a Tonka snowplow or even a Tonka truck with a plow attachment come out and start getting to work on our streets. We are overwhelmed.”

Hummel said that any able – bodied child is asked to help. There are no age restrictions. “Just get out there.” he said. “If this snow continues we may also call upon kids with Little Tykes trucks. Heck we’re even accepting old Buddy Ls at this point.”

In a surprise development, it’s been revealed that the Bayfront Roundabout currently under construction will feature a giant loop-de-loop due to an unforeseen budget surplus. Ronnie Scootz, junior City of Erie traffic engineer, spoke to Gooferie about this unexpected addition. “Remember those Hot Wheels tracks that you could build up into a circle?” Scootz asked between puffs from a smoking device.  “That was our inspiration.”

“We know people hate roundabouts, but they’re so much fun to design”, said Scootz as he finished his bag of Doritos. After an extraordinarily long pause, he added, “Plus when you get the PennDot people helping out, it’s like a traffic engineer party!” When questioned about the safety and functionality of the roundabout loop-de-loop, Scootz replied: “I’m sorry, what were we talking about? Oh! Traffic flow! Yeah, I think that was mentioned at one point. Traffic will definitely flow, but maybe not as well as everybody wants.”

When asked when the roundabout loop-de-loop would open, Scootz said, “It will be ready by spring. We just don’t know which spring yet.”

Over the years there have been multiple efforts to thin the overpopulated white-tail deer herd on the Peninsula. Despite the annual hunt and the temporary introduction of African lions, the deer continue to overbreed, which is putting a strain on the park’s already fragile ecosystem.

“It’s really frustrating.” said park ranger Rick Waschbar. “We just can’t seem to get them down to a manageable number. That’s why we have decided to put the deer to work. “

Park rangers corralled about 20 deer this summer, and the now captive white-tails have been being trained to accept saddles and bridles in the hopes that they will become rideable.

Waschbar said “It’s like pony rides; only with deer!” White-tail deer rides are now being offered at the park for 10 dollars a ride. “This program will continue throughout all seasons. “It’s for children only of course.” He went on to say. “Even a full-grown buck cannot carry an adult.”

Waschbar told us that the rangers will make every effort to make sure that the children are matched to a deer that suits their size and riding experience.

“Older kids will be placed on the bucks. During the rut we will charge 40 dollars for buck rides and then only for the most adventurous kids!”

So far, the program has been met with success. According to Waschbar, only a few of the deer have tried to run away while the children were riding them. “Yeah, a few have made a bolt for it, but the park is small and they can’t really get too far.”