Kishka Stolen, Zabawa on Lockdown

kISZKAPOSTEROfficials at the Zabawa Polish festival are frantically searching for the kishka, which was presumed stolen earlier today. The missing link was described as “round and firm” as well as “fully packed.” It was last seen hanging on the rack.

Zabawa spokesperson Zbigniew Piędziesięciogroszówka said the kishka, which is a sausage made from a combination of meat and grain, disappeared shortly after the festival opened.  “We are currently on lockdown, and will leave no stone unturned, and no accordion case unchecked for the missing kishka,” said Piędziesięciogroszówka as he peered into a tuba with a flashlight.

“It wouldn’t have bothered me so much if they took the shinka, or the fine kielbasa, or even the pierogis, but I wish they would give back the kishka,” said Piędziesięciogroszówka.

UPDATE: In a late development, Piędziesięciogroszówka has just announced that Jasiu has found the kishka, and has brought it back.

Erie’s Sister Cities to Rescind Sibling Status

sister-cities-erie-sign_1500410957

In a joint statement, Erie’s four sister cities have announced that they are ending their familial relationship with Erie, at least for the time being.
The four sister cities: Zibo, China; Lublin, Poland; Merida, Mexico; and Dungarvan, Ireland made the announcement after seeing recent stories coming out of Erie about job losses, drug overdoses, and crime.
“Every family has issues, but we feel that our sister Erie is not doing anything to help herself, and we can only do so much as we are so far away.” said Sheila MacColl, spokeswoman for the sister cities.
The four cities do want Erie to know that they still care for it, and are willing to accept Erie back into the family if it can improve its circumstances.

Mayor Tullio presents Proclamation to Commodore Perry

Perry and Lou!

Dateline September 21, 1818, Erie, Pennsylvania

The Hon. Louis Tullio, Mayor of our fair city, granted a proclamation to Commodore Oliver Hazard Perry, to honor him for his heroics in the Battle of Lake Erie five years previous. Commodore Perry was visiting the city from his home in Newport, Rhode Island.

The mayor, currently in his second term, also presented the Commodore with the key to the city and two drink tokens from the Dickson Tavern.

Not all in attendance were pleased with the Mayor’s action. A young man in a fedora named Mario Bagnoni chided the mayor, saying that he could do a better job as mayor and would be running against Tullio next election.

“Now I’m off to Central America and shall return to the United States in a short time,” said Perry, adding, “unless I get Yellow Fever down there, ha ha”; a remark that elicited hearty  chortles from the crowd.

 

Millcreek Community Hospital to Open Bloodletting and Leeching Department

MCHStoryPicMillcreek Community Hospital has announced the grand opening of their new Leeching and Bloodletting Department. This new wing will be located within the current facility on Peach Street.  Hospital spokesman Ross Sewitch says “We here at Millcreek Community realized the need to expand patient care in order to become more competitive with Erie’s two legitimate hospitals.”  Sewitch went on to say that the leeches will be locally sourced directly from Mill Creek which runs just outside the facility and that the bloodletting equipment will be sterilized “every so often.” When asked what conditions will be treated by the new department, Sewitch answered “Oh you name it; cholera, consumption, rickets, dropsy.”  Sewitch went to say that, “No other healthcare facility in this area has this kind of service.  Does Hamot have the right equipment to cure scurvy? Can St. Vincent’s stop bubonic plague in its tracks? I don’t think so.”

 

PA Game Commission Seeks To Relocate Cemetery Coyotes To “Peaceful Farm In The Country”

gfreyoteThe Pennsylvania Game Commission has announced that they will assist in relocating the coyotes from the Erie Cemetery, according to Game Commission spokesman Hunter Gunn.

Gunn says the move will happen at night, and they plan on setting off a few celebratory firecrackers, “Which we certainly don’t want people to mistake for gunfire.” When asked how many firecrackers would go off, Gunn replied, “four or five. We’re not sure yet.”

 “Once the coyotes are…um…gathered, they’ll be taken to a beautiful farm, somewhere in the country, where they can run through green meadows and play all day, under an ever-shining sun.” said Gunn, wiping sweat from his brow. When asked where the farm was located, Gunn answered his non-ringing phone, bowed his head saying “I need to answer this,” and walked back into his office.

Towne Residents want Dickson Tavern Shut down as “Nuisance Bar”

dickson

Dateline May 24, 1817

Neighbours of the Dickson Tavern, located at 2nd and French street in Erie, have filed a complaint with the city stating that the drinking establishment has become a nuisance.

Neighbor Jebediah Pike is leading the charge. “The loud fife music and general rowdiness has befouled the area for too long.  ‘Tis an affront to one’s ears.”

James Smith, who lives on the outskirts of town, two blocks away, stated “Ye cannot get to sleep at a decent hour, for the hearing of musket fire after an all-night ale bender will surely sully your slumber.”

Thaddeus Boatwright IV, who lives next door to the Dickson Tavern, states, “Not an evening goes by without at least one incident of drunken fisticuffs. I myself have found wooden teeth on my lawn during my morning travels to the outhouse.”

Several women in the neighbourhood were asked for their comment on the tavern, but were forbidden by their husbands to speak.

Scott Enterprises to Build Hotel on site of Riverside Inn

NewHamptonInn

In a surprise announcement, Nick Scott has revealed that Scott Enterprises plans to build a Hampton Inn on the site of the iconic Riverside Inn, which was recently destroyed by fire.

“In this business, it’s all about the opportunity,” said Scott. “As I was watching the footage of the disaster, I had a tear in one eye, and a dollar sign in the other.”

Scott says he intends to hire everyone who was employed at the Riverside, and will pay them not at all close to what they made at the Riverside.

“I’m even thinking of putting a second Splash Lagoon in French Creek,” added Scott.

Construction will begin as soon as the last of the ten memorial services are complete.

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