Penelec Prepares for Annual “Destroyin’ o’ the Trees”

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Spring is near, and with the change of seasons, Penelec has announced its annual tree destroying program will begin as soon as weather permits. The annual program involves cutting away branches that are near power lines.

Penelec spokesman Hy Raetz says “The trees that line our streets are just too beautiful.  People shouldn’t be outside admiring trees. They should be inside using electricity. Also, it’s probably a safety hazard.”

When asked if there was a standard procedure for removing branches, Raetz said, “The technical term is ‘directional pruning’, but we call it ‘the school bus rule’; meaning the branches should be separated from the wires by the width of a school bus.  The goal is to make it look as little like a tree as possible.”

When asked if he had advice for anyone who has a tree near a power line, Rates advised, “You should probably take a picture of it now, so you’ll have the memories.”

Local Man Announces Candidacy For Whatever

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Erie resident Raymond McGinley has decided to join the scores of others who have thrown their hats into the ring for public office.

“It seems like every day I hear more and more people running for office, so I decided to join them,” said McGinley. “I don’t even care what office. I know I have to be a better choice than some of the other folks running. Like that guy with the yellow sweatshirt and bullet holes in his campaign signs, or that other guy who was caught on video very carefully not inhaling crack.”

When asked what issues he would address, McGinley stated, “the McBride Viaduct should be torn down. Or maybe we should keep it.  And crime – crime is bad, I guess. Also, I’d like to do something about the large number of people running for office.”

Mayor Sinnott Petitions City Council to Keep His Office Chair After Term Expires

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With the end of his term as mayor drawing to a close in less than 12 months, Mayor Joe Sinnott is petitioning City Council to keep his chair that has comfortably supported him behind his mahogany desk in the fifth floor of City Hall for nearly 12 years.

“People who have criticized me for not doing enough to address the issues our city faces have never sat in this chair,” said the mayor, referring to the all-leather Armstrong Model GC-908 Executive Chair. “I promise that anyone who sits in it will be way too comfortable to actually get out of it and do something proactive for the community.”

Sinnott is already reminiscing about the great times he has spent with his chair. “One of my favorite things to do is roll on over to the window and see all the police cars speeding over to the east side. I keep hearing about some crime issues over there, or something.”

Sinnott says he also hopes to keep his karaoke machine, but will let the new mayor use it as long as they promise not to sing any Nickelback songs.

Erie Air Traffic Controllers to be Replaced by Guy with Binoculars

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The Erie Regional Airport Authority has reached a compromise with the FAA to keep air traffic control in local hands, after a plan was announced to take away all Erie-based air traffic controllers and move operations to Buffalo.

The authority has announced the hiring of “Ted”, who will be stationed on the tarmac and will visually track planes landing and departing.  Ted will be equipped with a pair of binoculars and a walkie-talkie. Addressing concerns that a pair of binoculars will not be sufficient to see the planes, Ted replied “I have also been issued a step-stool, which will assist in identifying planes at higher altitudes.”

When asked if passenger safety will be compromised, an official with the authority who chose to remain anonymous responded, “Oh, yes.”

The authority is still unsure of what the procedure will be when Ted is on vacation.

Former Erie County Farms Shoppers Gather to Share Memories, Scars

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Over 50 former shoppers of the now-closed Erie County Farms gathered today outside the building to reminisce about the injuries they received while fighting over the various meats and cheeses sold at a discounted price.

“I got this scar on Memorial Day weekend in 1973,” said Jim Reilly, pointing to his left arm. “They had just put out 10 pound bags of ground beef, and there was a mad scramble for the bags. I grabbed mine and held on for dear life while others grabbed at the bag, gouging my arm in the process.” Reilly spent two days at the hospital. “I missed my family picnic, but at least they had hamburgers!”

Paul Quinn had a similar story when shopping for chicken legs. “There was a crowd waiting around the bin for the chicken legs. I tried to sneak in, but slipped and fell on the floor, which they had just bleached for the tenth time that day. I didn’t get the chicken legs, but I still have this plate in my head, and the memories.”

Reese Campbell didn’t have any physical scars to show off, but he delighted the gathering with his memory of grabbing the last ham on the day before Easter, and being sworn at in 17 different languages.

“People who didn’t go there think there was always some kind of ruckus, but it wasn’t so bad”, said Susan Gardner. “It was probably only 25 or so times that Natalie had to draw her gun.”

Police on Lookout for Suspect in Credit Card Theft

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Erie police have released a surveillance photo in hopes that the public can help locate a suspect in a reported credit card theft. The suspect was seen at K-Mart on East Grandview allegedly using the stolen card.

The suspect is described as a male or female approximately 5’ 4” to 6’ 2” tall, weighing between 150 and 250 pounds. The suspect was last seen wearing a shirt of undetermined color, most likely blue; pants, and shoes on both feet.

If you have any information about the person in the photograph, you are asked to contact Erie police.

Boil Meth Advisory Issued for East Springfield

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Following  the recent arrest of two people in East Springfield for allegedly operating a meth lab, Erie County officials have issued an advisory for East Springfield area meth users, recommending that they boil their meth due to high bacteria counts found in the seized supply.

“As a precaution, the meth should be boiled for 30 seconds in a pan of water,” according to a spokesman at the Erie County Department of Health.  “That should remove most of the bacteria.”

State police caution that while boiling the meth will remove any pathogens, the meth itself will still be very dangerous.

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