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Ice Dune Playground Opens at Presque Isle

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Officials at Presque Isle State Park have announced the opening of an ice dune playground, adding to the winter activities at the park.

“We just got sick of telling people to stay off the ice dunes,” said park official Peter Bramall. “So, we decided to let these imbeci- uh, I mean, park visitors enjoy them.”

The playground spans the three largest ice dunes on Beach 1. The tallest dune will be open for climbing as well.

“My parents wouldn’t let me play on the ice dunes when I was a child,” said Erie resident James Murphy. “Well,  I’m not going to deny my kids the opportunity to climb all over these majestic frozen peaks.”

In addition, an out of town vendor will have a food tent to sell gazpacho, ice cream, and cold drinks.

As Murphy stood in line at the gazpacho tent; far from where his kids were playing, he explained why he loves the peninsula. “It’s so peaceful out here. I could listen to the seagulls all day. They almost sound like children yelling for help.”

 

 

Supervisor Clears Up Millcreek Sign Confusion

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There has been some recent confusion over political sign ordinances in Millcreek Township. We contacted Supervisor John Groh to clarify what is and is not permitted during the next election term. “The two other supervisors and I held an emergency meeting about this issue.” said Groh. “Truthfully we really don’t have all that much to do anyway. The meeting went on for 24 straight hours and I believe we have come to a consensus.”  The new sign regulations are as follows: All signs must be rectangular. Triangles, circles and octagons are not permitted. True squares are allowed but discouraged as they distract from rectangular signs. All signs must be 18 inches high and two feet wide. Signs must be placed no less than 5 feet from the residence, 7 feet from the sidewalk and 10 feet from the road. Signs must be constructed from single wall corrugated cardboard only! Double and triple corrugated cardboard signs will be pulled out of the ground and stomped by any one of Millcreek’s three supervisors. Signs must be upright on neat well manicured lawns with no more than two inches of grass. Grass must be green and healthy. Dead or brown grass will result in instant sign confiscation. Sign lettering must be Sans Serif. Any political signs with Serif fonts will be doused with accellerant and burned onsite. The preferred color scheme for signs is red, white and blue. Garish colors such as purple, teal and neon pink are strictly forbidden. Burnt umber is an acceptable color for political signs but burnt sienna is taboo. Sign stakes must be made of untreated wood and dig no more than 6 inches into the ground. Dark wood and particle board are banned. Signs must be connected to the wooden stakes with galvanized staples only. Non galvanized staples will not be tolerated. All signs must be laminated. Non laminated signs will be destroyed by Millcreek Township bulldozers at the homeowner’s expense. “I will personally inspect each and every sign for lamination violations.” said Groh. “I hope there will be at least one because they said I could drive the bulldozer. Yay!”

Mayor Schember to Personally Destroy McBride Viaduct

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Wielding a large sledgehammer, Mayor Joe Schember announced today that he will personally destroy the McBride Viaduct, which he says will save taxpayers millions of dollars.

“We bid out the contract, and the bids came in higher than we thought,” said Schember, “So I thought me and Sledgie here could do the job for free.”

When asked how long the demolition would take, Mayor Schember said, “I’ve looked at the reports on the current condition of the Viaduct, and I think it will just take a couple of swings to bring her down.”

Local activist Lisa Austin, who opposes demolition of the Viaduct, stated that this latest plan will not be a deterrent in her fight to save the Viaduct. When asked for comment, Austin said, “I will keep fighting to save the Viaduct, even long after it is demolished.”

 

 

Lake Effect Snow Dries Up Lake Erie

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For the first time in recorded history, Lake Erie is empty due to all the water being turned into lake effect snow which has blanketed the city of Erie.

“As we know, when cold air moves over the lake, it picks up water and deposits it as snow, “ said Meteorologist Dr. Patrick Timmells of the National Weather Service in Cleveland. “Since Erie is the shallowest of the Great Lakes, it only took a few heavy snow bands to completely drain it.”

93-year-old John Fay, a lifelong Erie resident, says he’s never seen anything like this. “This is worse than December of 1944. Back then, only half the lake was drained. My buddy and I waded to Canada and back.”

One local fisherman plans to take advantage of the situation. “I won’t even have to take my boat off the trailer, “said Frank “Mooneye” Kapitsky. “There should be a lot of cold fish flopping around that I can just scoop up.”

According to Dr. Timmels, the lake will replenish after the snow melts in the spring.

 

 

Prince Charming Charged With Sexual Harassment

In shocking news several princesses have come forward with the claim that Prince Charming, heir apparent to the throne,  has sexually harassed them. No princess has been publicly identified but the reports are coming in from all throughout the kingdom. “He stalked me.” said one unnamed young woman. “I lost a shoe at one of his parties trying to escape his advances.” Two separate women have accused the prince of kissing them without consent while they were in a deep slumber. “I had just eaten an apple” said one of the women.  ”I wanted to take a little nap in my glass coffin. I was not even awake when he started kissing me.” Yet another woman has come forward with the claim that Prince Charming “Pulled my hair so hard that he was able to use it as a climbing rope.” More on this story as information becomes available.

Persinger to use Campaign Vehicle as Food Truck

persingerfdtrckAfter being defeated in the Erie mayoral race, John Persinger has decided to go into business as a food vendor, using the RV from his campaign.

The vehicle. which was seen around town during the mayoral campaign, has been converted in to a food truck, and will provide a variety of menu items – including some with an Erie theme:

The Schemburger – a hamburger with wilted lettuce on an old bun.

The Sinnott Platter – a chunk of bologna that just sits there on the plate.

The Snowbelt Sno-Cone which has 1-2 inches of flavored ice in the city, 2-4 inches south of I-90.

The Ultimate Erie Sandwich – a Smith’s hot dog covered in Greek sauce on a pepperoni ball served ala mode with Blue Moon ice cream.

The food truck will be based at the now empty lot at 4th and Poplar, but will travel to all parts of the county except the city’s lower east side.

 

Granada Apartments to be Duct Taped Back Together

tapeRepair work will begin soon on the dilapidated Granada Apartments as a truckload of duct tape was delivered on Thursday. Project Manager Robert Harrison says “We figure 5,000 rolls of duct tape ought to do it. We’ll use regular strength on the walls, roofs, and floors, and heavy-duty strength on the balconies.”

The property was purchased at a Sheriff’s sale this past summer by Granada Apartment Holdings LLC, and the new owners say they will spare no expense getting the remaining buildings up to code. “We want prospective tenants to know that we are not going to cut corners by using an off-brand duct tape. It’s strictly name brand,” said Harrison.

“We estimate the work will take six months to complete,” said Harrison. “It will be quicker if we get on a roll. Get it? Roll? Because duct tape comes in rolls…” He then looked down at his feet and slowly walked away.

 

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