gooferie

The success of breeding populations of bald eagles here in Erie County has led to many more sightings of these majestic birds. Gooferie spoke to the president of the Presque Isle Audubon Society, Dr. Boyd Chitt, about what can be done to assist the growing number of bald eagles in our area.

“The eagles do pretty well for the first five years.” said Dr. Chitt. “But as they reach maturity and develop white head feathers they start to become self-conscious.” He went on to say “Our local Audubon Society has always been sympathetic to the plight of these birds.”  

To save these beautiful eagles from embarrassment Dr. Chitt has announced the formation of the ‘Wigs For Bald Eagles” program. This charitable organization will operate under the auspices of the Erie Audubon Society.

“We are gratefully accepting donations to the wig program.” said Dr. Chitt. “Once we have a decent supply of little wigs our volunteers will humanely capture the eagles. After that it’s a simple process of weaving the artificial hair into the feathers.”

If you would like to contribute please contact the Presque Isle Audubon Society.

The city of Erie has fallen far behind in their removal of parked cars. Since the last snowstorm the city has attempted to tow hundreds of snowed – in parked cars. The concern is that these automobiles are preventing the plow trucks from clearing the streets.

Unable to keep up with the amount of vehicles, Mayor Joe Schember in collaboration with the Erie Police Department have announced the “Free Cars For Criminals!” program. 

Deputy Assistant To The Deputy Chief, Parker Hamme, explained how this new plan works.

“Now is the time to put those hotwiring skills to use.” Hamme told us. “We need these cars cleared out ASAP.” Hamme explained that all patrol officers will turn away from anybody seen attempting to steal a snow covered car on the street. 

“Grab a shovel and help us move these cars. We won’t pursue any criminal charges. Just get them out off the side streets.”

Despite repeated claims in their ads that NatureStone is not just a floor, a recent study has confirmed that it is, in fact, just a floor. The results of the study were released today, and cited the Mirriam-Webster dictionary definition for what constitutes a floor.

A floor is “the lower surface of a room, on which one may walk.” This premise was tested in a laboratory, and concluded that the NatureStone floor was found to be both located at the lowest surface of the room, and able to be walked upon.

When reached for comment, NatureStone CEO Mike Masetta could only offer a bemused “Wow.”

Newly elected County Executive Brenton Davis has announced the pending removal of all stop signs within Erie County. “Look, everybody drives differently.” Davis told us. “It’s not the government’s job to tell people when to stop driving.”

Davis went on to say that he believes that Erie County drivers are capable of making their own decisions about what they do in the privacy of their own automobiles. “For that reason we will also be rescinding speed limits in Erie County.”

“Some drivers like to go fast and some like to go slowly along and enjoy the scenery. My opinion is that speed should be up to each individual driver.”

When asked if he has consulted PennDOT or Traffic Engineering officials, Davis said that he hadn’t considered it. “Certainly I’ve heard of PennDOT, but Traffic Engineering? Is that even a thing?”

Presque Isle State Park will be holding their annual “Deer Hunt For Sissies” on Wednesday December 7th and Thursday December 8th. “This is a great opportunity for guys who have difficulty hunting out in the deep woods.” said park ranger Pat Dexter.

“Shooting deer is a lot easier here on the Peninsula.” he told us. “Firstly, there are no bears here. No dangerous animals that might frighten away wussies.” He went on to say that the park being surrounded by water means the animals have less opportunity to escape. “I mean where are they gonna go, right?”

According to Dexter,  the annual hunt is popular with many different types of hunters. “Maybe a guy is too out of shape to go traipsing through miles of woods.” he said. “The park is only 7 miles with lots of easy trails.” 

Poor shooting ability? “No problem. We’ve got ya. The deer here at Presque Isle are practically tame. They’ll walk right up to you. Ya really can’t miss!”

Dexter is also promoting the hunt for men who were unable to kill a deer during the regular season. “It’s tough for guys who don’t come home with a buck.” he said. “Their families are disappointed. Their bros make fun of them. Feelings get hurt. They don’t get the pleasure of posing with a big bloody dead animal on social media.“ Anxious hunters have already been spotted setting out their life sized-deer decoys.

The Catholic Diocese of Erie is responding to the announcement that three of Erie’s oldest  churches will soon be closing their doors for good. Father Peter Clunibus, an assistant to Bishop Lawrence Persico, spoke exclusively to Gooferie on this matter.

“Regrettably it is true.” said Father Clunibus. “Sacred Heart, St. Andrews and St. Paul’s will cease to operate as separate churches.” Clunibus told us that the decision was made after determining that poor mass attendance was leading to decreasing revenue.

“It’s mostly just old ladies at mass now.” he said, shaking his head. “Nothing against them, but their fixed income doesn’t translate to large amounts of collection dough.”

But the news is not all bad. “There are some exciting changes because of this,” said Clunibus.  “On behalf of the Erie Catholic Diocese I am happy to announce that these three churches are going to merge into one glorious establishment. The Sacred Heart of Saint Paulandrew’s House of Worship and Pancakes!”

The new church/restaurant will be housed in one of the three parishes. “It’s a way for us to keep the congregations together and bring in more profit.” said Clunibus. “We are certainly going to take advantage of the free old lady labor. These gals will do anything for Holy Mother Church. They will make great cooks and servers.”

Father Clunibus acknowledged that not everyone will be happy with this new venture. “Yeah, some of these parishes have a long history with very loyal families.” He said the Diocese is sympathetic but emotions can’t be placed above profit.

In light of recent complaints that the Erie Downtown Development Corporation’s new apartments are too expensive, CEO John Persinger has announced lower priced options. “The high end apartments on 4th and State are certainly beautiful but don’t let it be said that we here at the EDDC ignore low income individuals who also want to enjoy living in beautiful downtown Erie.” With that being said, Persinger revealed the EDDC’s Downtown Alleyway Living Community. 

“It’s the ultimate in year-round outdoor living.” he told us. “We went around and bought up every downtown empty lot and alley and will be renting them at very affordable prices.” Persinger went on to say that none of the properties will be needing renovation, “They’re perfect as-is.

We asked about amenities. “So many!” he told us excitedly. “The cardboard box structures are corrugated. Much better than your average box. The dumpsters are emptied at least twice a month. And we guarantee a very low rat population.”

Persinger also told us that additional amenities are available to Alleyway residents. “They’ll have to pay extra.” he said. “But it’s completely worth the price for what we provide. If these renters want more luxuries we have many. For a small to large fee we can offer them a blanket and a Dollar General shopping cart. It’s downtown living at its second best!”

According to the EDDC there is no waiting for these living areas. They are move -in ready. The lease does require that alleyway residents remain out of the view of the 429 State apartment dwellers.

“Big” Al Boomer, owner of L’il Willie’s Fireworks in Erie, reported he slept very well last night despite hundreds of reports of illegal fireworks activity in the City of Erie. “Fortunately for me, my profits from the illegal use of fireworks that I sell have furnished me with a house outside the city, where I can sleep in peace, away from the near war zone that envelops Erie every year at this time,” said Boomer, as he lit a fine Cuban cigar with a $100 bill. “I even strategically market to those areas of Erie that City Council ignores; the lower west side and the entire east side.”

When asked if his customers should be using the fireworks legally and with consideration of others, Boomer said that would ruin his business. “Law-abiding, considerate people are the worst customers. If everyone followed the fireworks laws, I would go broke. My boat is already two years old. If I told people they could only buy fireworks if they use them legally, there’d be no way I could buy a new boat next year.”

As far as veterans being traumatized, Boomer remarked, “those brave men and women fought for my right to make a highly marked up profit selling goods that have no legal use in the City of Erie. In fact, I think I’m helping the police in getting them some overtime over the holiday weekend.”

When asked about his plans for next July Fourth, Boomer stated, “I plan on going to Harrisburg and lobbying to get ‘The House Rattler,’ legalized.

Horace Manewer, an agent with the Erie office of the FBI, has told us here at Gooferie that there is more to the reported portable toilet shortage that has been initially revealed. “We’re not sure what’s happening here.” said Manewer. “Right now we have nothing to go on.”

He went on to say that Erieites are not aware of the seriousness of the shortage. “Everyone  just poo- poos it.” He told us. “But truthfully the whole thing really stinks.” 

Manewer said that local law enforcement is not just sitting on this problem. “It’s both number one and number two on our priority list.”

Because of the gravity of this issue, law enforcement is asking for the public’s help. “If you can offer us a clue, no matter how hard it is, we need you to just squeeze it out.” Manewer said that citizens can call in and leave tips anonymously. “Because nobody wants to be a stool pigeon.”

Manewer did acknowledge that part of the problem may lie with the local employee shortage. “The portable toilet companies are telling us that nobody seems to want to clean up human waste for minimum wage anymore.”

“In any case” Manewer continued, “ We really just want to put this all behind us and wipe it away. It’s not what law enforcement DOESN”T do about it. It’s all about what we DO DO.”

The City of Erie is currently experiencing a plethora of abandoned couches littering the curbs. To mitigate this Erie Code Enforcement has announced a sofa beautification contest. “Remember those fish? And the frogs?” asked Code Enforcement spokesman Andy Zimmerman. “It’s kind of like that.” Zimmerman said that local artists are being asked to “…drive around. Pick a couch that’s laying outside, believe me there’s tons of ‘em, and pretty it up.”

Since the City is unable to actually move the sofas, it is believed that adding an artistic touch will improve the neighborhoods’ appearance. “It’s tourist season.”said Zimmerman. “Erie has to look good.”

Zimmerman added that artists should design their sofas before the official contest closing time. When asked for a specific date Zimmerman answered. “Well, before the City gets around to actually picking them up, so basically we have quite a while before entries are closed.”

Local artists are encouraged to participate and photos may be submitted directly to Gooferie. Once all photos are submitted, judging will begin. No prizes will be offered as the City of Erie believes that actually rewarding artists for their time, effort and creativity would set a dangerous precedent.