Erie Redevelopment Authority to use House Facades to Fight Blight

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 The Erie Redevelopment Authority (ERA), facing a shortage of state and federal funds, has announced a new plan to fight urban blight in the city.

The ERA will begin a pilot program of installing facades in front of decrepit houses to mask the homes’ true appearances.

“There are so many vacant houses, and we were getting behind on demolition,” according to ERA spokesperson Maureen Tucker. “So, we are rolling out this façade program – starting on the lower west side.”

The plan calls for facades to be placed directly in front of deteriorating houses, so that people walking or driving by will not notice the true state of the house.

“Were going for what real estate agents call ‘curb appeal’” said Tucker.

Phase two of the plan will begin in the spring, when the ERA will be adding cardboard cutouts of friendly neighbors in the windows of the facades.

Beer Barrel Rolled out at Zabawa, Striking Patron


A visitor to the annual Polish festival Zabawa was slightly injured today, as a beer barrel got loose and rolled over him.

According to Zabawa spokesman Zbigniew Piędziesięciogroszówka, the incident occurred when the beer barrel was rolled out prematurely. “Unfortunately, Zygmunt Zulowski, the barrel keeper, released the barrel before the gang had all gotten here.”

Zulowski was apparently confused by someone saying “Zing Boom Terraral” which was his cue to let loose the barrel.

As the keg was barreling toward the crowded pierogi stand, world renowned tuba player Myron Wlada heroically hurled his tuba in front of the berserk barrel, which altered its path, thus avoiding the long line of hungry attendees.

The barrel then changed direction, and headed towards Walter and Ethel Blue, who were attending Zabawa with their sons Stan and Johnny. Luckily, they were able to run away from the rolling barrel. “I guess you could say that when the barrel was rolled out, it got the Blues on the run,” said Piędziesięciogroszówka.

The barrel did find one victim, Wally Rzeszutko, who was visiting from Canonsburg. Rzeszutko was struck and fell to the ground, knocking him out temporarily.  “I thought I was a goner,” said Rzeszutko. “I had a vision that I was in heaven – I looked around for a beer, but there wasn’t any. I guess the old song was right.”

To appease the injured patron, Piędziesięciogroszówka announced that Rzeszutko could enjoy unlimited cabbage rolls and Tyskie beer for the remainder of the festival.

Lecom to Offer New Medical Degree


LECOM_Logo_ShieldThe Lake Erie College of Osteopathic Medicine has just announced their latest fast track medical degree program. LECOM spokesman Ross Sewitch explained that the medical college needed to accommodate students who don’t have 8 years to commit to a rigorous course of study. To accomplish that, LECOM will now be offering an Associate of Medical Doctorin’ certificate program which will begin in September of 2018. According to Sewitch the program will cost exactly the same as their 4 year D.O. program but will “get the students in and out of our campus at a much more accelerated rate.” To qualify, potential students must have a high school diploma or GED. “But really we’re open to anyone who can pay.” says Sewitch. “An 8th grade graduation diploma will work, too.”  Upon completing the coursework, LECOM’s Associate of Medical Doctorin’ graduates will be fully qualified to practice medicine at Millcreek Community Hospital.

Local Man to Embark on Grueling 3-Day Trip to Popeye’s Drive-Thru


With his vacation time approved, Erie resident Turner Donaldson has finished preparations for his three-day journey through the West 12th Street Popeye’s drive-thru.

“I drive by every day and see how busy it is,” said Donaldson. “I figured I’d plan my vacation around getting some of that chicken. I’m actually taking four days’ worth of supplies in case I get stuck in post-church traffic.”

The journey will be fraught with peril, as Donaldson expects loud horn honking, frequent cursing, and irate customers yelling about being given the wrong dipping sauce.

The itinerary for the trek has been carefully planned, based on observations of the drive-thru traffic the last few weeks.  Donaldson says day one will be spent turning into the parking lot and getting in line. He estimates that by late afternoon on day two, he will be at the speaker to place his order. If all goes well, day three will see Donaldson triumphantly receiving his chicken and biscuits, which he plans to take home to his family.

Donaldson originally considered bringing his three-year old daughter but thinks the journey will be too harsh for so young a child.

Donaldson has already banked some vacation time next year, just in case a Red Robin opens nearby.


Downtown B.O. Levels Expected to Spike on Friday


Officials are cautioning that the level of body odor in the air downtown will spike at a record or near record level this Friday.
Dr. Meghan Ansell, a biologist at Gannon University, has been providing body odor air quality levels for various zones in Erie for the past five years. “We measure body odor in the air using Olfactory Pungency Units (OPU) on a scale of 1-100, with 1 being a group of freshly showered people on the coldest day of winter, and 100 being Woodstock on day three,” explained Ansell.
Ansell is concerned that Friday’s forecasted high of 90 degrees, combined with thousands of sweaty people wearing leather jackets, could push the OPU into record territory.
“Normal OPU in the air downtown is about 25, but I’m forecasting it to get into the mid 80’s by sunset on Friday.”
The previous record high OPU was 84 at the Rib Fest in 2016. According to Ansell, that was caused by a combination of high temperatures, lack of adequate bathroom facilities, and meat sweats.

City: Only Three of the Eight Great Tuesdays Will Actually be Great

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City officials are cautioning residents to not get their hopes up for this season’s Eight Great Tuesdays as they have announced that only three of the affairs will be of high enough quality to truly be deemed “great.”

“Three of them are going to great, no doubt,” according to spokesperson Belinda Butcher. “Additionally, two others are going to be very good, two are going to be OK, and one is really going to suck.”

Butcher would not elaborate on which Tuesdays would fit each category for fear of hampering attendance.

Reactions from those looking forward to the concerts were mixed. “I wish I knew which ones are going to be great,” said Erie resident Fran Davis. “I’d take friends from out of town to those ones. All they know about Erie is what they see on the news. Stuff like record snowfall and the pizza bomber.” Downtown resident Chester Turpin had a different take: “They’re all going to be great, because I plan on drinking heavily.”


Lottery Mascot Gus Arrested for Indecent Exposure

Gus1Pennsylvania Lottery spokesgroundhog Gus was arrested this afternoon in Erie for indecent exposure while filming a commercial for the lottery’s newest $30 instant game, “You Just Lost 30 Dollars!”

Gus, who is always seen wearing a shirt but no pants, was taken into custody after an elderly lady happened upon the bare waisted rodent taking a break from the commercial shoot in a local park. “It was obscene, what he was doing!” said the lady, who did not wish to be identified. Gus claims he was only tending to an itch; and vowed to “keep on scratching” as he was led away in pawcuffs.

Fittingly, Gus was issued a ticket, which his cousin Phil will help pay.


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