Kyle Foust Makes Last Minute “Deal” To Become County Controller

Kyle Foust, four term member of Erie County Council, has apparently won the County Controller position by what some would call “nefarious means.” As of 10 am today the County Controller race was still too close too call. Mr. Foust, desperate to remain in county government after losing his seat on County Council was overheard talking to one “Mr. Mephistopheles” in an apparent conversation about the election results.

Gooferie contacted Mr. Foust about these allegations. He was reluctant to speak at first but finally admitted that the conversation did indeed take place. “We made a deal.” said Foust. “A kind of a bargain really. I forget what it’s called. Basically we made an exchange.” Foust went on to say that the exchange will not impact his efficacy as County Controller. “You don’t really need a soul to work for the government.” He said. More details as they become available.

Erie County Scraps Community College Plans, Opts for Clown College Instead

After many years of trying to get a community college in Erie County, local leaders are giving that up to focus on something that is more attainable by announcing plans to open a clown college in the county.

“I know we need better paying jobs, but if we can’t have that, at least we can have a few laughs” said Community College Committee member Isobel Campbell.

Art Oligeri of Meeker Marshall Shoes stated, “This is great news. My store currently has a surplus of oversize shoes.”

“I guess there’s fundamentally not much difference between making a locomotive and making balloon animals,” stated Stuart Murdoch, who was recently laid off from Wabtec. “Except the pay rate, obviously.”

Besides making balloon animals, courses will include taking a pie to the face, tying comically oversized bowties and how to become an elected official.

County officials say there is a market for clown services, as children have birthdays approximately every year.

Erie Water Works Encourages Citizens To ”Embrace The Aluminum”

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Higher than normal levels of aluminum in Erie’s tap water has concerned many residents in the city. Paul Vojtek, CEO of Erie Water Works, wants to put those concerns to rest. “Aluminum isn’t so bad really.” says Vojtek. “It’s an important metal. It has many benefits. Why, it’s the main component of aluminum foil! And we all use that, right?” Vojtek went on to ask “Why is everybody getting so hung up on the aluminum levels anyway? There are way more ingredients in Erie drinking water than just aluminum. There’s mercury, lead, asbestos. Heck there’s even Prozac! You can’t argue with free Prozac!” When asked about the danger of ingesting aluminum Vojtek said “Life is dangerous. You gotta live on the edge sometimes. “ Vojtek assured us that
Erie Water Works is always available to answer citizen’s questions. “As long as they’re not too annoying about it.”

Hamot Ramps Up Ad Campaign

Despite criticism of some recent advertisements UPMC Hamot vows to continue their aggressive local advertising campaign. “I realize some folks were upset with our new giant billboard in the airport’s baggage claim.” says UPMC Hamot spokesman Morris “Mo” Munney. “But we really just want to welcome visitors to Erie – and slip a little money to the airport of course.” As for their Hamot Stroke Center ad which encourages stroke victims to call 911 and insist on being taken directly to Hamot, Munney says “We need them to choose our first class facility while they can still speak.”

When asked what’s next in Hamot’s plan for billboard placement Munney revealed a new partnership with local funeral homes. “We have some very tasteful placards that will be placed above caskets.” he told us. Gooferie has obtained a first look at the proposed billboard which will be rolled out in local funeral homes next month. Says Munney “I know some people will say it’s in poor taste. But so was covering up a mural of Erie veterans and heroes and we got away with that. Remember, our goal is not to make a profit, it’s to make income over expenses. Oh, and patient care. That’s important too, I guess.”

Commodore Perry’s Welcoming Speech 1812

Gooferie researchers have uncovered an amazing artifact from the Battle of Lake Erie. An extremely rare video of Oliver Hazard Perry welcoming sailors onto the Flagship Niagara. This video has not been seen in over 200 years!

EPD Looking For Dork

The Erie Police Department is asking for the public’s help in finding the dork pictured
above in connection with a retail theft from WalMart.

The above pictured dork is easily identifiable by the “Moe” bowl haircut and goofy grin.
Erie Police are currently checking with all known lousy hair stylists in the area,
to see if this dorkus malorkus had been in the
barber chair within the last few weeks.

EPD advises that if you encounter the above dork, call
the Corry Barracks. Troopers caution not to engage the dork, as there
may be a chance his dorkiness could rub off on the general public.

Frontier Park Slide Too Costly, Catapult to be Added Instead

 

With the lone bid for a proposed slide at Frontier Park coming in over budget, officials at the nonprofit group L.E.A.F. have changed plans, and will now build a catapult that will transport visitors from one end of the park to another.

According to spokesperson Bobby “Bo” Tannicle, the catapult will actually be an improvement over the slide. “The slide would have only taken people 40 feet. With the catapult, we can send people over 100 feet, and can land them in various sections of the park.”

Tannicle added, “Since safety of park visitors is a concern, those using the catapult will be required to wear a helmet.”

L.E.A.F. officials are currently checking out front lawns on the lower east side to gather used mattresses to cushion the landing zones.

Local Drug House Marks 200 Years of Business

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A well-known local drug house on Erie’s lower west side is marking the 200th year of drug activity at that location.

The house at 520 Cascade has been providing patrons with illegal substances since the previous building, a simple log structure, opened in 1819. This is according to local historian Ken Hartley – Reed, citing a study of an archaeological dig done at that site in the late 1800s, prior to the construction of the current edifice. “We found evidence of laudanum use by visiting sailors in the decade following the war of 1812.”

Evidence also shows that opium from China was sold out of that house in the middle 1800s most likely brought by ships from Asia and then through the recently completed Erie Canal.

Starting in 1920 with Prohibition, the house served as a speakeasy, providing illegal liquor until 1933.. Throughout the rest of the 20th century, the house met the needs of its clients with a never ending variety of substances. Marijuana in the 40s and 50s, LSD in the 60s, cocaine in the 70s, crack in the 80s all the way up until its current incarnation as a meth house.

Said Hartley – Reed, “We even have evidence that the Eriez tribe used psylosibin mushrooms on that site as far back as 1619, so really you could say it’s been a drug house for 400 years.”

EDDC to Bring Successful Businesses Downtown By Ousting Successful Businesses

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The Erie Downtown Development Corporation is under fire for forcing out three local businesses from their locations at North Park Row in downtown Erie.

The EDDC has businesses already lined up for two of the three soon to be vacant storefronts. Spokesperson Vernon White announced they are working on a lease to bring a Wonder Bread outlet store where Khao Thai currently operates, and a Mayonnaise Emporium where the Hookah Lounge is. “We are also currently in discussions to place a vanilla ice cream shop where the future former Tandoori Hut stands,” said White.

“We don’t want to discourage minority owned businesses, but we have an obligation to make money for our non-minority shareholders,” said White. When asked if the EDDC was prepared for the reaction of this news from a public relations standpoint, White replied, “Public relations? What’s that?”

Local Improvement Groups to Merge, As if That Will Help

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Following a lengthy meeting at a vacant lot somewhere on Parade Street, Erie’s numerous improvement groups have decided to merge into one unified group.  Going forward, this new group will be known as “The DevelopErie Innovation District Regional Growth Partnership Greater Erie Downtown Development Corporation Refocused 2040.” The organization’s new spokesperson Cecil Sparkmeyer says he imagines a smooth transition as everyone will work together for the betterment of our city. “We will be continuing the fine work that has already been started by the separate groups,” said Sparkmeyer. He added, “Basically, we plan on making many overly enthusiastic local news appearances talking about Erie’s bright future. Beyond that, well, I don’t know really. Maybe form some committees or something.”  Sparkmeyer added that he will continue to lead the new group until he finds a better job in another city.

 

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