With the closing of two popular Kennywood roller coasters, and the concern that Pittsburghers are leaving the city for vacations elsewhere, it has been announced that the Duquesne Incline is set to become a high-speed coaster.

Gooferie spoke exclusively to the director of the Pittsburgh Staycation Tourism Agency, Mr. Kurt “Hunky” Horvath. “Our agency is funding this because we want to keep local vacationers in the city.” he told us. “This is a logical step. With the Steel Curtain and the Thunderbird being closed our city is seriously lacking in fast rides.”

Horvath also cited concerns that Pittsburgh annually loses many vacationers to the appeal of Erie’s waterfront. “No offense,” he said. “I mean yinz got beaches and fishing n’at. But why waste gas money driving dahn nair when you can stay right here in the Burgh?”

Horvath explained that there has been a rush put on the switchover from the Incline’s rickety snail’s pace to the increased 70 mph speed. Construction has already begun on the project and should be completed before August.

A sneak preview of the plan details the changes. The new Incline ride will now start at the Lower Station. It will slowly make its way up Mt. Washington. There will be a one second stop at the top before a sudden 70 mph lurching drop back down to the bottom.

We asked Horvath if any safety measures, such as seat belts or restraints will be added. “Nah.” he answered. “Yinz just have to hold on tight and enjoy the ride!”