A recent post that was shared in the Lorain Ohio Facebook group caused quite a panic when it showed a group of sharks purported to be in Lake Erie. The Ohio Division of Wildlife was quick to debunk the photograph. They claimed the picture was actually taken in Puerto Rico and that there are no sharks in Lake Erie.

Gooferie spoke to Penn State Behrend marine biologist, Dr. Marlin Gill, to clarify this potentially dangerous issue. Dr. Gill examined the photograph and gave us his expert opinion.

“I looked at the picture with a magnifying glass.” he told us “We don’t have the budget for a microscope. But it doesn’t take a high powered lens for me to say that the photograph in question was definitely taken on the shores of our very own Lake Erie.

Dr. Gill disagreed with the finding of the Ohio Division of Wildlife. “I mean they’re from Ohio.” he said. “What do they know? Erie is in Pennsylvania.”

Dr. Gill explained that several great white sharks swam through the St. Lawrence Seaway about 6 years ago. “I have been observing them. Somehow they acclimated to the lack of salinity and established a breeding population.”

He went on to say that sharks have also become accustomed to cold temperatures. “What I’ve discovered is that the freezing water actually makes them bigger and stronger.” Dr. Gill is currently writing a thesis on Lake Erie’s Freshwater Great White Shark Population. “It’s gonna be big.” he tells us. “Career changing. I might even move up to the main campus! The REAL Penn State University. Microscope here I come! Oh, yes, and be careful out there. Sharks are deadly.”

Mr. William Patoot, Vice President of Academics and Student Affairs at Cathedral Prep/villa has
announced the relaxation of some academic standards for incoming Villa students. “We here at Prep thought this issue should be addressed before the merger between the two schools next school year.” Patoot told us.
He added that not all classes will drop their previously stringent requirements. “Just math and science, of course. We don’t want to be sexist here. Just sensitive to the needs of these girls.” Patoot said that honors math and science will still be available for the boys. “The young ladies will be required to take remedial math and science classes. Some of our more advanced senior boys will be available for tutoring. We want to keep the playing field level.”
Mr. Patoot stated that he wanted to make sure that the Villa girls will be welcomed at Cathedral Prep. “We may have a reputation as a bit of an old school boys club.” he said “But that is simply not true. “After all, Our Lady the Virgin Mary is the Queen of Prep. Would we have elected a female queen if we weren’t accepting of women?”
Cathedral Prep has also announced the addition of several home economic classes such as sewing ,
cooking and parenting. When asked if the young boys will be required to take these classes Patoot
responded “What? No!”

The EDDC announced today that the departing Food Hall vendors will be replaced with “snack tables”. John Persinger, head of the Erie Downtown Development Corporation, assured Gooferie that the loss of Lucky Louie’s and “that bakery…I forget what it was called…” is not a bad sign that the State Street food court is in any danger of closing. 

“Food halls are always evolving.” he told us. “This has allowed us to be innovative. We have decided to replace these sellers with snack bars, if you will.”

Persinger explained his plans for this new area of the Food Hall. “Basically, we will set up a table. On this table will be a bowl of snacks that will change daily.”

He was not able to elaborate on the snack menu. “We really haven’t come to any conclusions. It’s going to be a great variety though. Maybe chips. Popcorn, pretzels. Who knows? We might even get a little crazy and add some Bugles.” Persinger was quick to add that future snack selections will depend on profitability.  “Of course, if this all goes well we will definitely be adding some higher end items. Stuff like that pre-made Chex Mix and flavored pork rinds.”

The success of breeding populations of bald eagles here in Erie County has led to many more sightings of these majestic birds. Gooferie spoke to the president of the Presque Isle Audubon Society, Dr. Boyd Chitt, about what can be done to assist the growing number of bald eagles in our area.

“The eagles do pretty well for the first five years.” said Dr. Chitt. “But as they reach maturity and develop white head feathers they start to become self-conscious.” He went on to say “Our local Audubon Society has always been sympathetic to the plight of these birds.”  

To save these beautiful eagles from embarrassment Dr. Chitt has announced the formation of the ‘Wigs For Bald Eagles” program. This charitable organization will operate under the auspices of the Erie Audubon Society.

“We are gratefully accepting donations to the wig program.” said Dr. Chitt. “Once we have a decent supply of little wigs our volunteers will humanely capture the eagles. After that it’s a simple process of weaving the artificial hair into the feathers.”

If you would like to contribute please contact the Presque Isle Audubon Society.

The city of Erie has fallen far behind in their removal of parked cars. Since the last snowstorm the city has attempted to tow hundreds of snowed – in parked cars. The concern is that these automobiles are preventing the plow trucks from clearing the streets.

Unable to keep up with the amount of vehicles, Mayor Joe Schember in collaboration with the Erie Police Department have announced the “Free Cars For Criminals!” program. 

Deputy Assistant To The Deputy Chief, Parker Hamme, explained how this new plan works.

“Now is the time to put those hotwiring skills to use.” Hamme told us. “We need these cars cleared out ASAP.” Hamme explained that all patrol officers will turn away from anybody seen attempting to steal a snow covered car on the street. 

“Grab a shovel and help us move these cars. We won’t pursue any criminal charges. Just get them out off the side streets.”

Despite repeated claims in their ads that NatureStone is not just a floor, a recent study has confirmed that it is, in fact, just a floor. The results of the study were released today, and cited the Mirriam-Webster dictionary definition for what constitutes a floor.

A floor is “the lower surface of a room, on which one may walk.” This premise was tested in a laboratory, and concluded that the NatureStone floor was found to be both located at the lowest surface of the room, and able to be walked upon.

When reached for comment, NatureStone CEO Mike Masetta could only offer a bemused “Wow.”

Newly elected County Executive Brenton Davis has announced the pending removal of all stop signs within Erie County. “Look, everybody drives differently.” Davis told us. “It’s not the government’s job to tell people when to stop driving.”

Davis went on to say that he believes that Erie County drivers are capable of making their own decisions about what they do in the privacy of their own automobiles. “For that reason we will also be rescinding speed limits in Erie County.”

“Some drivers like to go fast and some like to go slowly along and enjoy the scenery. My opinion is that speed should be up to each individual driver.”

When asked if he has consulted PennDOT or Traffic Engineering officials, Davis said that he hadn’t considered it. “Certainly I’ve heard of PennDOT, but Traffic Engineering? Is that even a thing?”

Presque Isle State Park will be holding their annual “Deer Hunt For Sissies” on Wednesday December 7th and Thursday December 8th. “This is a great opportunity for guys who have difficulty hunting out in the deep woods.” said park ranger Rick Waschbar.

“Shooting deer is a lot easier here on the Peninsula.” he told us. “Firstly, there are no bears here. No dangerous animals that might frighten away wussies.” He went on to say that the park being surrounded by water means the animals have less opportunity to escape. “I mean where are they gonna go, right?”

According to Waschbar,  the annual hunt is popular with many different types of hunters. “Maybe a guy is too out of shape to go traipsing through miles of woods.” he said. “The park is only 7 miles with lots of easy trails.” 

Poor shooting ability? “No problem. We’ve got ya. The deer here at Presque Isle are practically tame. They’ll walk right up to you. Ya really can’t miss!”

Waschbar is also promoting the hunt for men who were unable to kill a deer during the regular season. “It’s tough for guys who don’t come home with a buck.” he said. “Their families are disappointed. Their bros make fun of them. Feelings get hurt. They don’t get the pleasure of posing with a big bloody dead animal on social media.“ Anxious hunters have already been spotted setting out their life sized-deer decoys.

The Catholic Diocese of Erie is responding to the announcement that three of Erie’s oldest  churches will soon be closing their doors for good. Father Peter Clunibus, an assistant to Bishop Lawrence Persico, spoke exclusively to Gooferie on this matter.

“Regrettably it is true.” said Father Clunibus. “Sacred Heart, St. Andrews and St. Paul’s will cease to operate as separate churches.” Clunibus told us that the decision was made after determining that poor mass attendance was leading to decreasing revenue.

“It’s mostly just old ladies at mass now.” he said, shaking his head. “Nothing against them, but their fixed income doesn’t translate to large amounts of collection dough.”

But the news is not all bad. “There are some exciting changes because of this,” said Clunibus.  “On behalf of the Erie Catholic Diocese I am happy to announce that these three churches are going to merge into one glorious establishment. The Sacred Heart of Saint Paulandrew’s House of Worship and Pancakes!”

The new church/restaurant will be housed in one of the three parishes. “It’s a way for us to keep the congregations together and bring in more profit.” said Clunibus. “We are certainly going to take advantage of the free old lady labor. These gals will do anything for Holy Mother Church. They will make great cooks and servers.”

Father Clunibus acknowledged that not everyone will be happy with this new venture. “Yeah, some of these parishes have a long history with very loyal families.” He said the Diocese is sympathetic but emotions can’t be placed above profit.

In light of recent complaints that the Erie Downtown Development Corporation’s new apartments are too expensive, CEO John Persinger has announced lower priced options. “The high end apartments on 4th and State are certainly beautiful but don’t let it be said that we here at the EDDC ignore low income individuals who also want to enjoy living in beautiful downtown Erie.” With that being said, Persinger revealed the EDDC’s Downtown Alleyway Living Community. 

“It’s the ultimate in year-round outdoor living.” he told us. “We went around and bought up every downtown empty lot and alley and will be renting them at very affordable prices.” Persinger went on to say that none of the properties will be needing renovation, “They’re perfect as-is.

We asked about amenities. “So many!” he told us excitedly. “The cardboard box structures are corrugated. Much better than your average box. The dumpsters are emptied at least twice a month. And we guarantee a very low rat population.”

Persinger also told us that additional amenities are available to Alleyway residents. “They’ll have to pay extra.” he said. “But it’s completely worth the price for what we provide. If these renters want more luxuries we have many. For a small to large fee we can offer them a blanket and a Dollar General shopping cart. It’s downtown living at its second best!”

According to the EDDC there is no waiting for these living areas. They are move -in ready. The lease does require that alleyway residents remain out of the view of the 429 State apartment dwellers.