Soon To Be Closed Parishes Announce Merger

The Catholic Diocese of Erie is responding to the announcement that three of Erie’s oldest  churches will soon be closing their doors for good. Father Peter Clunibus, an assistant to Bishop Lawrence Persico, spoke exclusively to Gooferie on this matter.

“Regrettably it is true.” said Father Clunibus. “Sacred Heart, St. Andrews and St. Paul’s will cease to operate as separate churches.” Clunibus told us that the decision was made after determining that poor mass attendance was leading to decreasing revenue.

“It’s mostly just old ladies at mass now.” he said, shaking his head. “Nothing against them, but their fixed income doesn’t translate to large amounts of collection dough.”

But the news is not all bad. “There are some exciting changes because of this,” said Clunibus.  “On behalf of the Erie Catholic Diocese I am happy to announce that these three churches are going to merge into one glorious establishment. The Sacred Heart of Saint Paulandrew’s House of Worship and Pancakes!”

The new church/restaurant will be housed in one of the three parishes. “It’s a way for us to keep the congregations together and bring in more profit.” said Clunibus. “We are certainly going to take advantage of the free old lady labor. These gals will do anything for Holy Mother Church. They will make great cooks and servers.”

Father Clunibus acknowledged that not everyone will be happy with this new venture. “Yeah, some of these parishes have a long history with very loyal families.” He said the Diocese is sympathetic but emotions can’t be placed above profit.