Repair work will begin soon on the dilapidated Granada Apartments as a truckload of duct tape was delivered on Thursday. Project Manager Robert Harrison says “We figure 5,000 rolls of duct tape ought to do it. We’ll use regular strength on the walls, roofs, and floors, and heavy-duty strength on the balconies.”
The property was purchased at a Sheriff’s sale this past summer by Granada Apartment Holdings LLC, and the new owners say they will spare no expense getting the remaining buildings up to code. “We want prospective tenants to know that we are not going to cut corners by using an off-brand duct tape. It’s strictly name brand,” said Harrison.
“We estimate the work will take six months to complete,” said Harrison. “It will be quicker if we get on a roll. Get it? Roll? Because duct tape comes in rolls…” He then looked down at his feet and slowly walked away.
Erie Regional Chamber and Growth Partnership, reeling after county council axed their proposal to make Erie County a right to work area, is now offering what they say is an even better way to attract more businesses to the Erie community. “This is our best idea yet!” said Jake Rouch, vice president of the Chamber. “We are asking for a repeal of Erie County’s outdated child labor laws.”
Officials at the Zabawa Polish festival are frantically searching for the kishka, which was presumed stolen earlier today. The missing link was described as “round and firm” as well as “fully packed.” It was last seen hanging on the rack.
Millcreek Community Hospital has announced the grand opening of their new Leeching and Bloodletting Department. This new wing will be located within the current facility on Peach Street. Hospital spokesman Ross Sewitch says “We here at Millcreek Community realized the need to expand patient care in order to become more competitive with Erie’s two legitimate hospitals.” Sewitch went on to say that the leeches will be locally sourced directly from Mill Creek which runs just outside the facility and that the bloodletting equipment will be sterilized “every so often.” When asked what conditions will be treated by the new department, Sewitch answered “Oh you name it; cholera, consumption, rickets, dropsy.” Sewitch went to say that, “No other healthcare facility in this area has this kind of service. Does Hamot have the right equipment to cure scurvy? Can St. Vincent’s stop bubonic plague in its tracks? I don’t think so.”
The Pennsylvania Game Commission has announced that they will assist in relocating the coyotes from the Erie Cemetery, according to Game Commission spokesman Hunter Gunn. 
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