Dateline May 24, 1817

Neighbours of the Dickson Tavern, located at 2nd and French street in Erie, have filed a complaint with the city stating that the drinking establishment has become a nuisance.

Neighbor Jebediah Pike is leading the charge. “The loud fife music and general rowdiness has befouled the area for too long.  ‘Tis an affront to one’s ears.”

James Smith, who lives on the outskirts of town, two blocks away, stated “Ye cannot get to sleep at a decent hour, for the hearing of musket fire after an all-night ale bender will surely sully your slumber.”

Thaddeus Boatwright IV, who lives next door to the Dickson Tavern, states, “Not an evening goes by without at least one incident of drunken fisticuffs. I myself have found wooden teeth on my lawn during my morning travels to the outhouse.”

Several women in the neighbourhood were asked for their comment on the tavern, but were forbidden by their husbands to speak.

Smith’s Provisions, longtime purveyor of meat products for the Erie area, has announced that it is adding organic tofu to their list of products available for purchase.
The tofu made its debut at the new Erie County Farms last week, prompting long time Smith’s customer Neil Osbourne to declare, “What the hell is THAT?” as he loaded his cart with hot dogs and walked away from the tofu display at great speed.
Emily Haines, another loyal Smith’s buyer, remarked, “I’ll bet if you put enough Greek sauce on it, it might be OK.”
Smith’s spokesman Frank Hamm stated that they have already sold almost one package of the bean curd, and are expecting sales to double in the coming weeks.

UPDATE : Smith’s Organic Tofu has been discontinued due to lack of sales.

After receiving a call from alert employees early Wednesday morning, Erie police were summoned to the McDonalds at 5th and State where they found a disruptive elderly homeless man taking advantage of the restaurant’s famous senior citizens’ coffee discount.
Local officers, riding high on the wave of national publicity following the resolution of the Cleveland “Facebook Killer” case, immediately contacted the media to announce that they had apprehended infamous skyjacker D.B.Cooper.
More details as they become available.

Erie’s only remaining Radio Shack store in the Kmart Plaza on 26th Street will be closing its doors soon,   marking the end of the 1980’s in the Erie area.

Customers were upset to learn of the closing, including longtime patron Robert Harrison. “Where will I go if I need a new VCR cable?” asked Harrison. “Or size D dry cells?”

“This is where I got my radio controlled General Lee from ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’” said Danny Goffey, who was in the store looking for an adapter for his 8-track player. “Erie just won’t be the same without Radio Shack.”

The remaining inventory is being discounted, and the store will remain open until all supplies are gone. Customers wanting to check out the deals had better hurry, as a bus from Springhill Senior Living was just seen pulling into the parking lot.

Facing a budget shortfall, the Erie Zoo has announced that they will rent out their rhinoceros for special events such as birthday parties for children.

“It’s been very successful so far,” said a zoo spokesperson. “The children love the rhino and the danger is very minimal. We’ve only had a few minor gorings; nothing that required more than first aid.”

Parents who are interested in renting the rhino must provide insurance waivers for all children in attendance, as well as adequate water and 200 pounds of cabbage.

If you are interested in renting the rhino, call the Erie Zoo and ask for Mr. Lyon.

Spring is near, and with the change of seasons, Penelec has announced its annual tree destroying program will begin as soon as weather permits. The annual program involves cutting away branches that are near power lines.

Penelec spokesman Hy Raetz says “The trees that line our streets are just too beautiful.  People shouldn’t be outside admiring trees. They should be inside using electricity. Also, it’s probably a safety hazard.”

When asked if there was a standard procedure for removing branches, Raetz said, “The technical term is ‘directional pruning’, but we call it ‘the school bus rule’; meaning the branches should be separated from the wires by the width of a school bus.  The goal is to make it look as little like a tree as possible.”

When asked if he had advice for anyone who has a tree near a power line, Rates advised, “You should probably take a picture of it now, so you’ll have the memories.”

Erie resident Raymond McGinley has decided to join the scores of others who have thrown their hats into the ring for public office.

“It seems like every day I hear more and more people running for office, so I decided to join them,” said McGinley. “I don’t even care what office. I know I have to be a better choice than some of the other folks running. Like that guy with the yellow sweatshirt and bullet holes in his campaign signs, or that other guy who was caught on video very carefully not inhaling crack.”

When asked what issues he would address, McGinley stated, “the McBride Viaduct should be torn down. Or maybe we should keep it.  And crime – crime is bad, I guess. Also, I’d like to do something about the large number of people running for office.”

With the end of his term as mayor drawing to a close in less than 12 months, Mayor Joe Sinnott is petitioning City Council to keep his chair that has comfortably supported him behind his mahogany desk in the fifth floor of City Hall for nearly 12 years.

“People who have criticized me for not doing enough to address the issues our city faces have never sat in this chair,” said the mayor, referring to the all-leather Armstrong Model GC-908 Executive Chair. “I promise that anyone who sits in it will be way too comfortable to actually get out of it and do something proactive for the community.”

Sinnott is already reminiscing about the great times he has spent with his chair. “One of my favorite things to do is roll on over to the window and see all the police cars speeding over to the east side. I keep hearing about some crime issues over there, or something.”

Sinnott says he also hopes to keep his karaoke machine, but will let the new mayor use it as long as they promise not to sing any Nickelback songs.