Over 50 former shoppers of the now-closed Erie County Farms gathered today outside the building to reminisce about the injuries they received while fighting over the various meats and cheeses sold at a discounted price.

“I got this scar on Memorial Day weekend in 1973,” said Jim Reilly, pointing to his left arm. “They had just put out 10 pound bags of ground beef, and there was a mad scramble for the bags. I grabbed mine and held on for dear life while others grabbed at the bag, gouging my arm in the process.” Reilly spent two days at the hospital. “I missed my family picnic, but at least they had hamburgers!”

Paul Quinn had a similar story when shopping for chicken legs. “There was a crowd waiting around the bin for the chicken legs. I tried to sneak in, but slipped and fell on the floor, which they had just bleached for the tenth time that day. I didn’t get the chicken legs, but I still have this plate in my head, and the memories.”

Reese Campbell didn’t have any physical scars to show off, but he delighted the gathering with his memory of grabbing the last ham on the day before Easter, and being sworn at in 17 different languages.

“People who didn’t go there think there was always some kind of ruckus, but it wasn’t so bad”, said Susan Gardner. “It was probably only 25 or so times that Natalie had to draw her gun.”

Erie police have released a surveillance photo in hopes that the public can help locate a suspect in a reported credit card theft. The suspect was seen at K-Mart on East Grandview allegedly using the stolen card.

The suspect is described as a male or female approximately 5’ 4” to 6’ 2” tall, weighing between 150 and 250 pounds. The suspect was last seen wearing a shirt of undetermined color, most likely blue; pants, and shoes on both feet.

If you have any information about the person in the photograph, you are asked to contact Erie police.

Following  the recent arrest of two people in East Springfield for allegedly operating a meth lab, Erie County officials have issued an advisory for East Springfield area meth users, recommending that they boil their meth due to high bacteria counts found in the seized supply.

“As a precaution, the meth should be boiled for 30 seconds in a pan of water,” according to a spokesman at the Erie County Department of Health.  “That should remove most of the bacteria.”

State police caution that while boiling the meth will remove any pathogens, the meth itself will still be very dangerous.

Despite his many commercials featuring him always saying “yes,” local auto dealer Superstore Joe recently said “no” to a telemarketer when asked if he wanted to purchase a vacation cruise package to Aruba.

The telemarketer, a heavily accented man by the name “Freddy”, had apparently seen the commercials, and figured he was in for an easy sale. Joe took the opportunity to try and sell Freddy a Fiat, which led to the telemarketer cursing him out in Italian.

Superstore Joe then angrily ended the call by telling Freddy, “I wanna see ya – get diarrhea.”

Joe then placed a call to a local DJ, who spent the entire conversation pretending to be amazed at the deals being offered.

With the recent announcements of UPMC Hamot sponsoring the Erie Seawolves ballpark and Highmark Saint Vincent sponsoring the Liberty Park amphitheater, Millcreek Community Hospital has decided to get in the game by buying the naming rights for the port-a-potty at Gridley Park.

“We’ve seen what Hamot and Saint Vincent have done and want to let Erieites know that we are technically a hospital, too”, said spokesperson Ross Sewitch. “That’s why we are proud to announce that this port-a-potty will now proudly be known as the Millcreek Community Hospital Relief Center.”

The ribbon cutting ceremony was delayed when Mr. Sewitch forgot to bring the ribbon, so a roll toilet paper was used instead.

“I hope people think of our facility every time they use this facility.” said Sewitch.

Tragedy struck at Erie’s Tall Ships Festival this morning when a cannon from the Niagara misfired and shot a cannonball into the world’s largest rubber duck, deflating it within minutes.

Witnesses say the giant duck was floating about 30 yards from the Niagara when the shot was fired. “It’s a shame,” said festival patron Ernie, no last name given. “I’m awfully fond of that rubber ducky.”

Repairs are already underway as workers have gathered over 100 rolls of duck tape to patch up the hole.

The owners of the duck, Big Duck LLC, plan on sending the bill to the Niagara League. They will also submit an invoice for damages.

Volunteers at the annual Zabawa festival are working to replace a burned out light bulb that was located on the ceiling of the main tent. Festival spokesman Zbigniew Piędziesięciogroszówka said, “We have our best five men working on it. Right now the ladder is in place and we are determining who should climb it to get to the bulb.”

Piędziesięciogroszówka said this temporary inconvenience will not affect any other aspect of the festival, except that the popcorn booth may be short-staffed for a while.

In a related story, Myron Wladwa’s All-Tuba band will be taking the Zabawa stage an hour late, as they were stranded on an escalator earlier in the day due to a brief power outage.

Erie SeaWolves mascot C. Wolf is resting comfortably tonight after being shot while making a promotional appearance in West Springfield.

Mr. Wolf was posing for a photograph near a wooded area off Route 20 when a single shot, fired by hunter Hunter Danovitch, grazed his tail. Mr. Wolf immediately returned fire with his T-shirt gun, but missed Danovitch as the t-shirt unfolded mid-flight, landing only 15 feet away. “It was an accident, said Danovitch, “I thought it was a coyote on two legs.”

The mascot will be fine, according to team officials. “This is the first time I’ve ever been shot,” said Mr. Wolf, “and I’ve done five promotional tours of the lower east side.”

The Pennsylvania Game Commission will begin an investigation after the 7th inning stretch.

Waldameer Park has announced yet another expansion as they have just finalized the purchase of nearly two square feet of property bordering Peninsula Drive, according to park Spokesman Steve Gorman. “We’re always looking to expand our footprint so we can offer new experiences to park visitors,” said Gorman.

The small section of paved lot will house the new “Splash Puddle” attraction, according to Gorman. “The Splash Puddle will be for those youngsters that are too intimidated by the other water rides.” The Splash Puddle will be open for two hours after every rainstorm, or until it dissipates.

Gorman added that they are looking at expanding an additional foot or two at the west end of the park, and hope to add a bench.