In light of Bishop Lawrence Persico’s failure to cover up a sexual harassment scandal involving a priest from DuBois, The Vatican has announced that it is sending the Erie Diocese the “Scopa Autem Turpitudinum” (literally translated as “Broom of Shame”), to help the bishop sweep scandals under the rug.

“It’s our hope that the presence of this blessed broom will help keep any more scandals from reaching the ears of our parishioners,” said Bishop Persico. “I’m also asking all Erie Catholics to pray that the Diocese can get those that were harmed by the behavior of our clergy to sign the nondisclosure agreements.”

The bishop also announced that the sacred broom, which has been in use by the Church since the Middle Ages, will be kept in the sanctuary at St. Peter’s Cathedral. “The Erie Diocese will have the Scopa until another diocese needs it to cover up a scandal, so those wishing to view it should come sooner rather than later.”

Local officials are reacting to the results of a recent study that indicates that the area east of State Street to Bird Drive is legally considered part of the City of Erie.

“We had the city solicitor and a panel of lawyers look at the city’s charter and, unfortunately, the east side is part of Erie,” according to Mayor Joe Sinnott.

“It’s been a long time coming,” said lifelong East side resident Albert Smith as he kicked an empty shell casing to the curb. “Maybe the mayor will even cross State Street and visit. We do have some good sub shops over here.”

When told of the sub shops, the mayor said, “Hmm, I just might roll my office chair over there someday – during daylight, of course.”

Erie’s new future focused partnership, Emerge 2040 is in the beginning stages of preparing for the organization’s future insolvency. “Oh there’s no way we’re even going to make it until the year 2040.” said spokesman Perry Stalzis. “Are you kidding me?” Stalzis further stated that the infighting and misappropriation of funds has already begun, thus setting the stage for Emerge 2040’s eventual dissolution. “We’re talking a big game.” said Stalzis. “You know, future of Erie looks bright, bringing in businesses, revitalizing downtown Erie blah, blah, blah; but nobody here is really sure what we’re doing.”  When asked what to expect from Emerge 2040 in the near future Stalzis stated  “Oh, the usual stuff from organizations guiding Erie into the future; an announcement that nobody would cooperate with each other and that we’ve gone bankrupt with a huge debt.” Stalzis has already started tagging items in his office for the eventual bankruptcy auction.

After years of assaulting the eardrums of local television viewers, American Freight announcer Steve Belford has decided to tone it down on the advice of doctors. “MY DOCTOR WANTS ME TO CUT DOWN ON CAFFEINE,” said Belford before lowering his voice. “I’m sorry – my doctor said my caffeine intake is too high. So I’m going to cut down. This will also help my family, who are all suffering from hearing loss due to everyday conversations.”

Belford usually downs a large coffee and three or four Red Bulls before recording, but now will only drink decaf before entering the studio. “I THINK ERIE RESIDENTS…excuse me – I think Erie residents will welcome the change.”

Belford also says he plans meet the guy who does the Hallman Chevrolet ads to give him some advice. “I’m planning on meeting him at the loading docks – next to Dunn Tire, across from Bob Evans.”

Citing a need for more parking and green space around their headquarters, Erie Insurance has announced that they are buying Gannon University, and plan to raze all structures in the coming months.

“We have a budget surplus right now as we’ve been cutting down on paying claims,” said Erie Insurance spokeswoman Maura Dahlers. “There are no more private homes around us, so we’re turning to other property owners.”

Homeowners who live around Erie Insurance could not be reached for comment as there are no homeowners who live around Erie Insurance.

“If this expansion goes well, we’ll look at expanding north,” said Dahlers. “I think we can get Hamot at a good price.”

The fight over EMTA between Erie City Council and Erie County Council, which has been described as a “Tug-of-war” will be decided by an actual tug-of-war between the two governing bodies.

The two seven member councils have decided to resolve the impasse by having a tug-of-war on Beach 10 on Memorial Day.  However, there are still a few details to work out. County Council is resisting City Council’s idea of having the city and county government heads (Mayor Joe Sinnott and County Executive Kathy Dahlkemper, respectively) act as the anchors for the tug-of-war teams. The county says this will give the city an unfair weight advantage, but they will consider the proposal providing Mayor Sinnott refrains from singing karaoke.

The winning team will take the lead on the new charter, while the losing team will actually have to ride an EMTA bus.

Injuries marred the inaugural Greek Sauce Run in downtown Erie today, as scores of participants were burned by hot delicious Greek Sauce as they ran through Erie. The event was started to capitalize on the success of the Color Run, according to organizer Marv Ross. “Since people loved getting blasted with powder during the Color Run, I thought splashing Greek Sauce on them would be just as fun.”

The burns were mostly first degree, and didn’t keep most people from finishing the event. In fact, many participants enjoyed the run, none more than Kris MacColl, who ran dressed as a giant hot dog.

The run began at Perry Square and ended at the Anna Shelter, where dogs waiting to be adopted licked the participants clean.

Ross stated he plans on holding the event again next year, adding that next time, he won’t heat the sauce up as much.

DevelopDevelopErie, the agency set up to promote the economic revitalization of struggling DevelopErie, an agency set up to promote economic revitalization in struggling Erie County, has gone bankrupt, according to court documents filed yesterday.

County Executive Kathy Dahlkemper issued a press release which, in its entirety, reads, “Swear to God, can’t catch a break.”