An annual spring swarm is about to descend on Erie, although this one is mostly harmless. It’s the swarm of media that has gathered at Sara’s restaurant near Presque Isle to cover their opening day, which is seen as a rite of passage in the Erie area.

“My news director sends me here twice a year” said one unnamed local reporter. “Opening day; and in the fall when they close. I think he knows the guy who owns it. I have to remember to bring back a hot dog for our anchor or else he’ll ask me a question I’m not prepared for during the live shot.”

Eve Hartling, a visitor to Presque Isle from Pittsburgh, noticed all the media vehicles and stopped to see what the big story was. “Is the president here? Did a UFO land? I can’t seem to figure out what’s happening, but it must be pretty big to have all these media people around.”

Down the road, the owners of Steve-o’s Pizza stared at the media assemblage and shook their heads, thinking about all the money they spend on advertising.

Upon hearing that Erie’s single-item Spring Cleanup program will begin soon, eastside resident Jody Porter immediately dragged nearly a dozen pieces of broken down furniture and electronic appliances to the curb in front of his house, where it will sit for the next month at least.

Neighbors tried to remind him that the rules allow only one large item per week, but Porter isn’t worried. “I’ve been bringing out ten to fifteen items each year, and they all eventually disappear. Except this sofa…it’s been here a few years.”  Porter added, “I’d like to talk more, but I have to get in my pickup truck and see what my neighbors are throwing out. I got some good stuff last year – including most of what I put out this year.”

City officials plan to issue a littering citation to Porter if they can find his front door.

The macaw at Splash Lagoon wants to retire, but can’t afford to do so as he is still only being paid minimum wage, even though he’s worked as an entertainer at the water park for several years. “I’ve been squawking about a raise for years,” said the surprisingly verbose macaw, who declined to provide his name. “I’d like a beak to beak meeting with the owner, but he’s always next door eating.”

The macaw also has issues with his working conditions. “To have to breathe in chlorine while listening to children scream all day…I don’t know how my fellow human employees do it. And don’t get me started on that damn tiki water bucket. When that horn blasts I nearly fall off what’s left of my perch!”

If able to retire, the macaw plans to relocate to an actual lagoon.

Presque Isle Downs and Casino announced today that a blackjack dealer broke his leg during a game and had to be humanely euthanized. The dealer slipped on an errant ice cube and fractured his ankle, necessitating the on-call medical staff to erect a curtain behind which the employee was put down to end his suffering. “We use the curtain to make sure our customers don’t see what’s going on; we want our patrons to focus on having fun.”

Casino regular Nadine Colson witnessed the accident. “It was an ice cube in my scotch and Coke that he slipped on. I was going to pick it up once I finished my cigarette, but then I got on a hot streak and forgot about it. I hope that fellow is all right.” When informed that the worker had died, Colson responded, “That’s too bad, but at least I’m up 15 bucks!”

Newly converted Catholic Turner B. Donaldson will be forgoing Dominick’s famous meatball omelets for Lent. “Since this is my first Lent as a Catholic, I wanted to give up something that I’ll really miss – delicious meatball omelets,” said Donaldson. Normally Donaldson can be found at the table by the window in the longtime Erie eatery at 7:00am, enjoying the well-known breakfast treat. “I try to sit near the door for fresh air, since the smell of alcohol is still lingering from the overnight patrons.”

But will he be able to make it? “Just the thought of those giant meatballs, gooey cheese, and tomato sauce…Wow, this might be harder than I thought.”

When asked if there’s any other food that might help him get through the 40 days of Lent, Donaldson replied, “40 days? I thought it was 14! Oh, Christ.”

A law enforcement task force headed by the state Attorney General’s office arrested 15 people on drug charges today, and action that has removed over one tenth of one percent of all the drugs in Erie County.

“Efforts like this are crucial cutting off the drug supply in Erie, to stop drugs from getting to users,” according to Neil Osborne, a spokesman for the Attorney General’s office. “We estimate that nearly 100 drug users will now have to find different sources.”

“We would like this raid to serve as a warning to all those engaged in drug activity,” said Osborne. “If you choose to engage in this kind of activity, remember that there is a very, very small chance that you will be arrested.”

Magistrate Judge Elect Paul Bizzarro, whose answer on one of the four essay questions on the state magistrate exam was rejected due to illegible handwriting, claims this was due to his inkwell not being full and his quill pen not having a sharp point.

“That particular question was the hardest,” said Bizzarro, “so I skipped it originally. By the time I got back to it, my quill pen stopped working.” He added, “Looking back at it, I probably should have used a ballpoint.”

Bizzarro will now have to retake the exam before he can begin his job. In the meantime, he plans using his free time to prepare for the test by watching daytime TV court shows.

In what has already been a horrible year for rock and roll, 2016 has seen the death of yet another legendary rock musician. Bingo, the gorilla drummer for the legendary Banana Splits, was found dead in his Los Angeles home early this morning.  For years Bingo had been battling an on again, off again banana addiction.  His former Splits band members were quick to respond to the drummer’s death. “He wath the betht.” said Fleegle. Snorky the elephant was overcome when hearing about the sudden loss of his former bandmate but managed to choke out these few words: “Honk, honk, honk…honk.” Drooper was the last to pay tribute remembering their adventures together. “It was the capers, man.” He said. “I’ll never forget the capers.”