In light of the recent winter weather leading to several multi-vehicle accidents, the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation has announced that the section of Interstate 90 that crosses through the commonwealth will be closed until May 1st

“This is the only way to guarantee there won’t be any accidents,” said PennDOT spokesman Andy Hummel. “Plus it will save on salt.” Drivers who normally use the Interstate are asked to detour onto much safer roads, like Routes 5 and 20.

Local tow truck operators are not happy with this announcement. “Snowy days on I-90 are what put my seven children through college,” said Bobby Stinson, owner of Tow Jam Towing.

PennDOT says they may re-open I-90 in April if there’s a warm spell.

In yet another cost-cutting move, New Media, which recently purchased the Erie Times-News, has announced that they will print the already thin daily paper in miniature form.

“We are excited to get into the growing market of Erie, which I understand is somewhere in Pennsylvania,” said New Media president Michael Reed.  “This reduction in size is a cost cutting move, as we work to transition the Erie Times-News from a family owned local institution to an afterthought on a long list of corporate holdings. I asked many members of the Times staff about this change, but they all retired before I got any answers.”

New subscribers will receive a free magnifying glass and semi-unlimited access to Goerie.com.

In a cruel twist of fate, two of attorney Edgar Snyder’s favorite things combined to send him to the hospital yesterday as he was run over by a dog riding a motorcycle. Details are sketchy as to how the dog was operating the cycle, but the investigation is ongoing.

Snyder was in Erie to film a commercial where he walks into his Erie office to make it look like he actually works there, when the dog-driven motorcycle rounded a corner and ran over his foot. Snyder was quoted as saying, “There’s no fee…ling in my foot.” Contrary to his own advice, Snyder was seen talking to his insurance company as he was being loaded into an ambulance.

Snyder has retained the law offices of Berger and Green to handle his case.

In an effort to increase public participation in city government, Erie city council has installed a cash bar in council chambers. Even Mayor Joe Sinnott is  aboard with the idea, saying “Council is accustomed to listening to incoherent ramblings, so nothing much will change.” The Mayor added the he will start attending council meetings as soon as they get a karaoke machine.

Erieites seem to be in favor of the bar. “A bar? At a city council meeting? I might have to stumble over for that,” said Sherlock’s patron Steve Caton.

City council members will rotate bartending duties, and will offer special drinks such as:

The “Bagnoni” – a martini served with a tiny fedora on a toothpick.

The “Tullio” – a shot and a beer with a dash of Brylcreem.

The “Filippi” – you just pay your money and get nothing in return.

In light of the great results of the latest El Nino on our weather, the Erie Chamber of Commerce is putting together a series of “Heat up the Pacific Ocean” cruises beginning in March of 2016. The ships employed will all have infrared heaters strapped on the hull, pumping out 25,000 BTU’s a minute during each 4 day cruise. Chamber spokesperson Steve Caton stated “We can go anywhere anyone wants in the Pacific, provided it only takes 2 days to get there!”  Only hot beverages will be provided, and patrons will all be invited to “Put their own “P” in the Pacific.” Peek’n Peak owner Nick Scott is reportedly unhappy with the Chamber’s plan, though he could not be reached for comment as he was out playing golf.

The Erie Diocese has announced that St. Jude, patron saint desperate causes, will no longer respond to prayers published in the local Pennysaver. “St. Jude deserves better than to have a prayer to him published in the Pennysaver,” said Diocese spokesman Stanley McCloskey. “If you really want your prayer answered, spend some money and put it in the Erie Times. Or even better, buy space in our bi-weekly FaithLife newspaper.”

In additional Diocese news, there will be two collections at masses this week. “The first one will be for the usual expenses” said the spokesman. “The second one will be for… something else. Just trust us.”

Caplan Company was the site of a large gathering of people yesterday who decided to follow the company’s advice by stopping, then looking. “It’s been like this all day” said store spokesman Dave Bidini. “Apparently people driving by are seeing our sign so they’re stopping. And looking.” Bidini added, “The trouble is they’re not buying. I guess people don’t need Tibetan pepper shredders or saffron extruders. Maybe we should change the logo to ‘If you fry, stop and buy.’”

There was a report of a minor accident when a patron decided to look without stopping. “I can’t stress enough how important it is to stop first, then look,” said Bidini.

With the Christmas season underway, local convenience stores are busy preparing for the annual rush of robberies that comes with this festive time of the year. “Convenience stores must prepare for the holidays just like retail stores” said Circle K manager Donita Sparks. “This year, we’re getting ready for the holiday robbery season by putting new height markers on the doors, cleaning the security camera lenses, and rigging the register so that the clerk can push one button that will open the cash draw and alert the police.”

Not to be outdone, Country Fair has announced that in order to reduce holdups chain wide, they will close their store at 8th and East Avenue each day at sunset.

Joe Pernice, a novice local discount shopper, was recently confused upon entering the new Dollar General in Lake City. “Nothing in this place costs a dollar,” said Pernice. “How can they call it ‘Dollar General’ then? Everything at Dollar Tree is a dollar, so what gives?” Store spokesman Davis Manning says this happens all the time. “This is a daily occurrence; not only this location, but at the other 72 Dollar Generals in Erie County. People think we’re an actual dollar store. I guess the name is a little misleading, although there are no generals here either.” As for Pernice, he left his beef jerky on the counter, pocketed his dollar, and walked out. “I’m heading over to Family Dollar now. I shouldn’t have a problem there.”

EmergyCare has launched a new rewards program that will provide people who frequently overdose on heroin the opportunity to earn a free dose of the revival drug Narcan.

Users will be given a punch card that offers the tenth dose free. “We saw other businesses using punch cards and thought we could try it,” said EmergyCare spokesman Mike Belitsky. “For example, I’m only 23 cups of coffee away from a free one at Starbucks, so I’ll keep going back. Just like we want people calling EmergyCare when they need Narcan.”

Attempts to reach heroin users for comment were unsuccessful as there was no response after knocking on several McDonald’s restroom doors.