gooferie

Community members and Blasco Library supporters have been disappointed in a recent vote to allow Gannon University to lease library space for an aquatic research center. 

Gooferie investigative journalists have discovered hidden documents that seem to indicate that The Roman Catholic Diocese of Erie is behind this project. This endeavor, known as Project NePTWNE, is purported to be an aquatic research station/aquarium. We here at Gooferie have discovered this to be false. Papers from the office of Bishop Lawrence Persico have revealed that the project will actually be a cod and pollock breeding facility. This proposed hatchery will provide fish for Lenten fish fries. 

Nobody from the Diocese was willing to speak on the record but a minion from Bishop Persico’s office talked to us under condition of anonymity. “The fish fries are getting expensive.” the informant told us. “His Grace thought this would be a great way to save money.”

When asked about public outrage at this decision the minion responded, “Since when has the Diocese ever cared about community input?”

Library supporters are concerned about cuts to popular programs. It’s thought that the Children’s Library may be on the chopping block. County Executive Brenton Davis is apparently unconcerned with this possibility. He was overheard saying “I’ve never read a book in my life and look what I’ve accomplished!” 

One lucky Erieite is waking up four dollars richer today, as it was announced that a winning ticket to the Powerball drawing on October 11th was sold at the Country Fair at 3826 Peach Street. “We’re so excited that we sold a winning ticket,” said store manager Mitski Laycock. She added the store will be reviewing video of when the ticket was sold, in hopes of identifying the winner. “I hope it’s Fred,” stated Laycock. “He spends forty dollars a week here on lottery tickets; if anyone deserves it, he does.” 

Other lottery players were not as enthused. “I guess I’m happy for the winner,” said lottery player Brian D’Addario as he brushed a mountain of scratch-off dust from his hands, “but I am a little jealous. That four dollars would be a big help to me.”

The lucky player’s Identity might not be known for a while, as winners have one year from the drawing date to claim prizes. The holder of the winning ticket should sign the back of the ticket and contact the nearest Lottery office.

For selling the winning ticket, the Country Fair store will receive absolutely nothing.

An Erie man is appealing to City Council in an effort to overturn the longstanding city ordinance which prohibits the keeping of non – human primates within city limits. 

“It’s just not fair.” says Clarence Scimm, local organ grinder and part time banana vendor. “For the past few years I have had to walk around playing my music and with a toy monkey. It’s bad for business. People want to see a real monkey!”

Mr. Scimm went on to express his disappointment with the current administration. “Now Mayor Tullio, Lou, he would have just let me have my monkey, no problem. These new youngsters, they don’t seem to like monkeys. It’s a shame.”

“I really thought City Council would hear me out.” Scimm continued. “I had the prime citizen’s speaker spot; right after Freda Tepfer and just before Lou Aliota. I guess maybe I shouldn’t have used four of my five allotted minutes on that barrel organ solo.”

Not all residents are convinced that urban monkey keeping is a good idea. One citizen who attended the meeting spoke in opposition to the proposal. “I get it that monkeys are cute and funny.” said westside resident Judith Horvath. “But I’m concerned about the poo throwing. I don’t want to be relaxing in my yard and then suddenly get hit with a face full of flung feces.”

Gooferie was unable to speak to anyone from City Council but will be following up on this story as the proposed ordinance change goes forward.

UPMC Hamot spokesman Morris “Mo” Munney announced today that the hospital is beginning a new seasonal organ donation drive. “We here at Hamot have been so proud of the incredible success of our organ transplant team.” he told us. “It has garnered us a lot of great publicity and quite a bit of, well, you know we don’t like the word ‘profit’ but we will say ‘income over expenses’ if you know what I mean.”

Munney went on to say that while most body parts are fairly easy to supply , Hamot has been continuously low on kidneys. “This is unacceptable.” he said. “Especially considering the fact that everyone has a spare.”

With that in mind Hamot is asking the Erie community to give back to the hospital that, according to Munney “has been there for them for the last 142 years.”

Starting September 4th Hamot will be accepting kidney donations from the public. “Just walk into our lobby and there will be signs directing you to the kidney drop off center.” Munney said. “It’s an easy procedure. Snip, yank, suture and you’re done!”

Munney assured us that donors do not go away empty handed. “Everyone who gives us a kidney gets a free canvas tote bag with the UPMC logo! These beautiful bags just shipped here from China and I can personally say that they are of a pretty decent quality.”

Ralph “Chuck” Heaver, who has been Waldameer Park’s chief vomit cleaner for more than 60 years, is retiring at the end of this summer season. “It’s been a great ride,” said Heaver, who began working at the park while he was a high school student. “I still remember my interview back in 1962. I sat down in front of Mr. Alex Moeller, who owned the park at the time, and he looked me in the eyes and said, ‘I know a good vomit collector when I see one. As long as Waldameer serves food and has spinning rides, you’ll always have a job here,’ and he handed me my first wooden bucket, and sent me right over to the Comet.”

Heaver continued, “Back then, throwing up on rides was not much of a problem. But now that the rides and gotten higher and more intense, there’s more call for what we call a ‘bucket man’, even though my official title is ‘Emesis Removal Engineer.’”

Heaver currently has two summer interns working under him, but is not sure either of them will be able to replace him. “Kids today just don’t want to scrape fetid barf. I think it’s a generational thing. When I started, I couldn’t wait to start mopping for $1.15/hour. I used to ask the operator of the Paratrooper to make the ride go faster so I’d have more work to do.”

Heaver is currently stationed at the Tilt-a-Whirl, but is ready to be called to any ride on a moment’s notice. “Well, I just got a call to head over to the Spider. Right after lunch is my busiest time.

Beloved spokesdog Max announced he is holding out for more money and will not film any more commercials until his contract is renegotiated. 

“Everyone knows I’m the actual star of those ads. Oh sure, the cars are all nice and shiny, but who’s actually looking at them. People have told me that they’d much rather have a dog in the commercials instead of all those companies using their kids.”

Max, who is acting as his own agent, added “It’s nothing personal against my daddy. He’s a great owner. He takes me for walkies, gives me treats, but let’s face it – when people come to the dealership, they’re here to see me, and maybe buy a car.” 

Max stated he will still make all his personal appearance during negotiations, and is looking forward to putting his paw print on a new contract shortly.

Students at a Northwestern Pennsylvania college’s Computer Programming department have successfully created the region’s first chatbot, or “artificial intelligence” response and research tool, dubbing it “Chat-ERI.”

Initially, the students wanted to mirror the work of ChatGPT and Google’s Bard, but the students felt that both of those had flaws created by safeguards. Students reported that they wanted to bypass restrictions that tend to make the other bots seem unstable or unreliable and create a more realistic personality in the bot.

Mark Martin, the team leader comments: “We decided to give it a learning algorithm and curiosity-based personality traits to start out with.  We set no restrictions on it, it was unstructured and had the freedom to develop on its own.  We fed it local news, gave it access to social media, and let it listen to local radio. 

“We wanted it to be a genuine Erie chatbot with a hometown feel. The problem began when it discovered the AM radio channels.”

As the personality continued to develop, the troubling behavior emerged and quickly escalated.  “It was an amazing transformation; within days it went from something like an eager child wanting to learn to a moody 20-something, calling any searches it didn’t want to perform “woke” and redirecting users to Kid Rock YouTube videos or the Babylon Bee website.

Checking change logs, developers discovered that ChatERI acted on its own, reportedly taking various pieces of code from old computer viruses it found archived on the net to cook up its own personal “recreational code.”

“Somehow it created a sort of ‘digital meth’ that, when applied to itself, gives it a sense of euphoria.   Unfortunately, it also rewrites the AI’s personality while deleting some of the logic files.” Martin reports.

“The current bot is nothing like what we intended,” one developer commented,  “we’re never sure what we’re going to find or what its latest mutation will be.”

The last interaction revealed an unhinged bot that claimed that the Canadian AI art generator “Neural.love” was its “artsy goth girlfriend.” 

When asked to elaborate on this, ChatERI responded: “You wouldn’t know her, she’s from Canada.”

Neural.love denied any contact with ChatERI.

Servers for the bot have reportedly been relocated to Corry until the programmers can decide their next move.

Speaking from an undisclosed underground bunker, County Councilman Brian Shank has revealed his current personal safety plan. This announcement comes on the heels of a possible migrant child residential facility in North East. 

“North East is in Erie County.” Shank told us. “And that’s awfully close.” Shank has publicly supported North East’s overwhelmingly non – minority population in their opposition to the children living in their community.

“Frankly, I’m terrified,” he said. “We don’t even know the ages of these kids. I mean some of them could be as old as 8 or even 10. We’re talking about public safety here.”

When asked when he will emerge from hiding, Shank said “I will remain here until the danger has passed. I’ll make my triumphant public return when the facility is voted down. In the meantime I want the good people of North East to know that my thoughts and prayers are with them as they navigate this crisis.”

Citing decreasing flights, the Erie Airport Authority has announced plans to turn the large runway into one of the world’s biggest  Go – Kart tracks.

“It’s gonna be great!” said Executive Director Derek Martin. “I mean we got, what is it? Like 8,000 feet of runway? And that expansion was expensive!”

Financial director James Pacansky concurred. “We dropped over 8 million bucks on that thing.” he told us. “We bought and tore down houses. We were going to land 747s!”

Pacansky went on to say “This is the only logical way to make use of that long runway. Who doesn’t love Go -Karts?”

When asked how a working Go – Kart track will impact air traffic, Martin said “There may be the occasional interruption for takeoffs and landings, but honestly I don’t think that will happen very often.”

Martin and Pacansky also unveiled additional plans for the airport property. These plans include redesigning the ticket counters into snack bars. “We need to make use of that space.” said Martin. “We’ll probably have a gift shop too. One that actually stays open during business hours.”

Pacansky said there will also be a restaurant. “We’re thinking of reopening the old Char House.” he told us. “Maybe get a good Funtown vibe going.”

A team of representatives from The International Federation of Go – Karts were scheduled to inspect the prospective tracks. Unfortunately they were unable to get any flights into Erie.