Stretched out on a chaise lounge under a warm, bright sun shielded by a natural canopy of palm trees, former Erie School Superintendent James Barker casually informed “Paco,” a waiter at the exclusive resort where he was staying, that he would like a second beverage of the kind that was provided to him earlier.

As he was enjoying his libation, Dr. Barker took out his MacBook and found an article on the deteriorating Erie School District, which he had luckily escaped several years ago. As he read of the district’s dire circumstances, his eyes straining due to the reflection of his gold watch on the screen, Barker remarked, “Those poor bastards,” before clicking over to an online collection of Garfield cartoons. Lighting another cigar, he began chuckling heartily as his memories of Erie continued to fade away.

In a surprise announcement, Millcreek school board member Lou Aliota has decided to sue himself in civil court, alleging that he has cost Millcreek taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars for unnecessary requests during his short time on the school board.

“I know that I’ve lost all my previous lawsuits, but this one is different. By suing myself, I win even if I lose.”

The lawsuit comes on the heel of the board’s censure of Aliota in last February, and amid the current lawsuit Aliota has filed against the school board.

Aliota also announced that he will seek the seat that has opened with the resignation of Donna Reese, so that he can have two votes on the board.

Officials at Presque Isle State Park have announced the opening of an ice dune playground, adding to the winter activities at the park.

“We just got sick of telling people to stay off the ice dunes,” said park official Peter Bramall. “So, we decided to let these imbeci- uh, I mean, park visitors enjoy them.”

The playground spans the three largest ice dunes on Beach 1. The tallest dune will be open for climbing as well.

“My parents wouldn’t let me play on the ice dunes when I was a child,” said Erie resident James Murphy. “Well,  I’m not going to deny my kids the opportunity to climb all over these majestic frozen peaks.”

In addition, an out of town vendor will have a food tent to sell gazpacho, ice cream, and cold drinks.

As Murphy stood in line at the gazpacho tent; far from where his kids were playing, he explained why he loves the peninsula. “It’s so peaceful out here. I could listen to the seagulls all day. They almost sound like children yelling for help.”

For the first time in recorded history, Lake Erie is empty due to all the water being turned into lake effect snow which has blanketed the city of Erie.

“As we know, when cold air moves over the lake, it picks up water and deposits it as snow, “ said Meteorologist Dr. Patrick Timmells of the National Weather Service in Cleveland. “Since Erie is the shallowest of the Great Lakes, it only took a few heavy snow bands to completely drain it.”

93-year-old John Fay, a lifelong Erie resident, says he’s never seen anything like this. “This is worse than December of 1944. Back then, only half the lake was drained. My buddy and I waded to Canada and back.”

One local fisherman plans to take advantage of the situation. “I won’t even have to take my boat off the trailer, “said Frank “Mooneye” Kapitsky. “There should be a lot of cold fish flopping around that I can just scoop up.”

According to Dr. Timmels, the lake will replenish after the snow melts in the spring.

In shocking news several princesses have come forward with the claim that Prince Charming, heir apparent to the throne,  has sexually harassed them. No princess has been publicly identified but the reports are coming in from all throughout the kingdom. “He stalked me.” said one unnamed young woman. “I lost a shoe at one of his parties trying to escape his advances.” Two separate women have accused the prince of kissing them without consent while they were in a deep slumber. “I had just eaten an apple” said one of the women.  ”I wanted to take a little nap in my glass coffin. I was not even awake when he started kissing me.” Yet another woman has come forward with the claim that Prince Charming “Pulled my hair so hard that he was able to use it as a climbing rope.” More on this story as information becomes available.

After being defeated in the Erie mayoral race, John Persinger has decided to go into business as a food vendor, using the RV from his campaign.

The vehicle. which was seen around town during the mayoral campaign, has been converted in to a food truck, and will provide a variety of menu items – including some with an Erie theme:

The Schemburger – a hamburger with wilted lettuce on an old bun.

The Sinnott Platter – a chunk of bologna that just sits there on the plate.

The Snowbelt Sno-Cone which has 1-2 inches of flavored ice in the city, 2-4 inches south of I-90.

The Ultimate Erie Sandwich – a Smith’s hot dog covered in Greek sauce on a pepperoni ball served ala mode with Blue Moon ice cream.

The food truck will be based at the now empty lot at 4th and Poplar, but will travel to all parts of the county except the city’s lower east side.

Repair work will begin soon on the dilapidated Granada Apartments as a truckload of duct tape was delivered on Thursday. Project Manager Robert Harrison says “We figure 5,000 rolls of duct tape ought to do it. We’ll use regular strength on the walls, roofs, and floors, and heavy-duty strength on the balconies.”

The property was purchased at a Sheriff’s sale this past summer by Granada Apartment Holdings LLC, and the new owners say they will spare no expense getting the remaining buildings up to code. “We want prospective tenants to know that we are not going to cut corners by using an off-brand duct tape. It’s strictly name brand,” said Harrison.

“We estimate the work will take six months to complete,” said Harrison. “It will be quicker if we get on a roll. Get it? Roll? Because duct tape comes in rolls…” He then looked down at his feet and slowly walked away.

In a statement released by the Diocese of Erie today, Bishop Lawrence Persico has announced the distribution of hairshirts and chastity belts for local Catholic women. “Apart from the lady who cleans my residence and cooks my food I have never really had the experience of relating to women on a personal level. However, I do know that they are sinful creatures.” said Persico. “The Bible says as much.” He went on to say that he was deeply concerned that the female members of his diocese “are voicing their opinions too much. They are fornicating for pleasure and worse, they are using birth control. I think some of them even think they are equal to men in God’s eyes. We can’t allow that.” The Bishop has personally asked the Vatican to send him a few thousand cilices and chastity belts from their warehouse.  “They will be arriving in time for Sunday mass at St. Peter’s Cathedral” he said. “After communion I will personally distribute them to every good Catholic woman in our parish. And I will make sure that their husbands are given the keys to the belts.”