gooferie

Local Developer Nick Scott has opened the first in a chain of lemonade stands to compete with the ones that pop up in Erie from time to time. “When I’m being driven around town, I see these stands all over.  So I had an idea to bring a chain of them to Erie,” said Scott. He continued, “I think people in Erie want a change from the mom and pop corner lemonade stands.” When asked if this would affect sales at neighborhood stands, Scott replied, “I’m not looking to put local lemonade stands out of business, I just want people to buy all their lemonade from Scott Enterprises.”  Scott is also said to be working on a plan to bring a pepperoni ball chain to Erie.

 Life’s essential mystery was solved last week by an Erie man whose Letter to the Editor factually and definitively proved that God does not exist.

Bart Brucewin, a professed atheist, had sparred for years with Christians in the Letters to the Editor page of the Erie Times-News.  The battle was fierce and well-fought, with average readers wavering between atheism and devout faith in a Supreme Being, depending on whose letter was published that day.

But Brucewin’s letter last September 16th – under the headline ”Stop being such idiots” –  finally settled the issue.  The letter was so convincing, so unassailable in its logic, that even the most devout believers were forced to concede defeat.

“I’ve got to admit, he’s right”, said Florence Gumbleton, a former Methodist and past opponent in the Letters page.  “Now I just have to figure out what to do with my Sundays.”

Brucewin passed up the opportunity to gloat when contacted by Gooferie last evening.

“I knew that if I could just put down on paper what I knew in my head to be true, people would finally understand,” he said.

Meanwhile, he declined comment on a letter published yesterday, which claimed that Brucewin’s September 16th letter contains a coded message predicting the end of the world, which will happen on August 11, 2019.

In light of the recent controversy in the Erie Diocese due to Fr. Detisch’s ill-advised Twitter post, Bishop Lawrence Persico has decided to suspend Fr. Detisch for two masses and one baptism.

The bishop will also reduce Fr. Detisch’s clothing allowance, saying he hopes that Fr. Detisch will be humbled by actually having to buy “off the rack” at Wal-Mart. To his credit, Fr. Detisch says he is looking forward to visiting Wal-Mart, saying “It will give me a chance to meet some non-Prep grads.”

As for missing the baptism, Fr. Detisch said it’s not that big a deal, because the child “will probably end up attending a public school anyway.”

In what is being called a first in the Erie area, local resident Jennifer Pierce actually used a coupon from Valpak that she received earlier this week.

“I usually just throw out all the coupons I get in the mail, but for some reason, I decided to open the Valpak. After throwing out the first 30 coupons, I noticed one for a shoe repair store, and I remembered I had a boot that needed fixed”

Pierce went to Joel’s Shoe Repair, and presented the coupon to the incredulous owner, Joel Plaskett. “I immediately took the coupon and framed it right next to the first dollar I ever made” said Plaskett.

The coupon’s redemption was also celebrated at Valpak’s headquarters. Upon hearing the news, Valpak General Manager Jody Stephens walked over to a map of the United States and placed a pushpin on Erie. “First one for Erie!” he exclaimed to his empty office. “I thought for sure it would be one of the carpet cleaning places.” Stephens is already at work for the next Erie mailer which he says will feature at least five gutter replacement coupons.

Saying he feels humbled as he apologized for a tweet saying that Strong Vincent students are criminals, Father John Detisch has pledged that he will “get ghetto” in an effort to understand the daily plight of some city residents.

“Since I took over at St. Jude, I haven’t had much opportunity to be around the less fortunate, so I want to try in some way to connect with them,” said Fr. Detisch. “I have a vague memory of being in the seminary and discussing something about ‘a vow of poverty’, so maybe this plan could tie into that.”

Part of his plan, which is endorsed by the Erie Diocese, is to switch tailors to try and get a more urban vibe to his wardrobe. He has also adopted a new street name (Bigg Fatha D of Da RCC), and will actually board a city bus.

Fr. Detisch says he hopes that these efforts will lead to a better understanding between the students and faculty of Cathedral Prep and “regular people” at other schools.

Engineers at the Wastewater Treatment Plant on Erie’s bayfront were puzzled when they noticed that the wastewater coming in for treatment has had a blue hue for the past few months. “We commissioned a study to see what was causing it,” said Chief Engineer John Fay. “We thought the increased use of blue toilet bowl cleaners was to blame, but turns out that’s not the case.” The study revealed the culprit to be increased consumption of Blue Moon ice cream, a summer staple in Erie. “Sure enough, it started around Memorial Day and eased up by Labor Day. Now we’ll know what to expect next year.” Fay also noticed a slight increase in the blue color when local stores have a sale on Boo-Berry cereal.

Artist’s rendition of ghostly hat.

City Hall employees are on edge as sightings of a floating fedora have been reported at various places in City Hall. The first incident occurred in council chambers, where city employee Gregory MacDonald noticed a hat suspended a few feet above the center chair of the dais. “It just hovered above the chair for a few seconds before disappearing,” said MacDonald. Another sighting was made on the fifth floor by Kevin Shields. “The hat kept trying to enter the mayor’s office, but couldn’t” said Shields. “I actually felt a sense of frustration coming from the hat. It seemed like it really wanted to get in.” Frightened employees on the fifth floor also report seeing empty tubes of Mayor Tullio’s Brylcreem.

Radio station Rocket 101 (WRKT) reached a milestone today by playing Joe Walsh’s “Rocky Mountain Way” for the 50,000th time since going on the air in 1989. “We play it four or five times a day, so it adds up over 26 years” said station spokesman Chris Murphy.  “It’s even better when we pair it with a George Thorogood song.”  Not to be outdone, Z102 (WQHZ) has announced that they are trimming their playlist to 50 songs. “Folks in Erie seem to like hearing the same songs over and over, so we need to give them what they want” said weekend DJ Wes LaChot. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go put on “Rocky Mountain Way.”

Google Earth has announced that Corry, Pennsylvania has been added to extensive program that covers the whole globe. “We never knew it existed” said Google spokesman Martin Chambers. “Once we found out about it, it was just a matter of getting our map car over there. We asked for volunteers to go to Corry, but no one signed up initially. When we finally did convince someone to go, we wanted to make sure there was no chance of snow, so we waited until late August.” Corry residents are already making plans to see their town on Google Earth, just as soon as they find a friend or family member who has an Internet connection.