A new study, commissioned by one of the 647 organized groups with fancy names trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with this town, has issued its final report.
In its summary, released yesterday, the study concluded that the city “is just fine the way it is”.
The task force architects examined the data and conclusions of the 646 other reports on the future of the city, and drove around town talking to people and looking at things.
“Seriously, what a great little town you have here,” it wrote in its summary. “And that New York Lunch on East Avenue … Wowser!”
If anything, Erie seems to be suffering from a kind of municipal hypochondria, seeking out specialist after specialist to tell them exactly what is wrong with them.
“A city is a bunch of people living in the same space together. In most respects, Erie is doing just that,” it read.
The study group did have some harsh words for the city’s whiny detractors.
“Sure, Erie has its problems,” the conclusion stated. “A disappearing middle class, abandonment of the city proper for the sterile suburbs, the elimination of living-wage jobs, and a clear preference for low-priced national franchises over local establishments. Well, guess what? Welcome to America!
“It’s not like a bunch of Martians came down and forced you to do all this. These are the choices you’ve been making for the last 75 years, and now you have the result of those choices. So, grow up!”
Another problem the study noted regards younger people who have visited much larger cities and now expect their hometown to be the same – except with cheap housing and pepperoni balls.
“It is strongly recommended,” the study states, “ that if you want to act all urbane and hip, move to Austin or Portland or wherever they have indie movie houses and overpriced craft beers…
Like the overwhelming majority of cities in America, Erie has never been, and will never be, a major metropolitan area.”
“Duh!” the report concluded.
gooferie 
Nice!
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Brilliant, hilarious, and sadly, quite truthy.
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