No injuries were reported when a portable toilet exploded at the popular Erie Rib Fest.  Patrons had to waddle for cover around 7:15 last evening when the john blew. “It had been building up for some time” according to eyewitness Darren Mason. “It was the one right next to ‘Porky Pete’s Ribs and Beans’ and there were people constantly going in and out. One guy went in with a lit cigar, and that’s when pointed my scooter in the opposite direction and hit the gas.” Patrons were described as “severely out of breath” after trying to distance themselves from the carnage.

Waldameer park has announced plans to eliminate all traces of urine from the “dark ride” known as the “Pirate’s Cove” by 2017. “This is quite an ambitious project for us” said park spokesman Neil Osborne, “for both time and cost, this project is the equal to the new wave pool. “Not all patrons are in favor though. “For me, it’s removing memories” said longtime park enthusiast Glen McDevers.  I first urinated in the Pirate’s cove in 1974 when I was 8 years old on a school picnic”. McDevers, now living in Pittsburgh, remarked “Every summer I bring my family up to Erie and smelling that urine is like stepping in a slighty fetid time machine.”

Tragedy struck today as three people were struck by the Pay it Forward Truck. The three victims were running to the truck to be the first one to touch it, thus earning the $300 prize. The accident happened at mile marker 35 on Interstate 90. All three victims were taken to UPMC Hamot with undisclosed injuries.

The weekly contest features clues as to the whereabouts of the truck.  “Looking back at it, maybe the middle of I-90 was a bad place to have the truck” said contest sponsor and driver Andy Gabler. “Those people didn’t even wait for me to stop; they just ran out in the middle of the highway, hoping to be the first one to touch the truck.”

State police are still on scene waiting to take a statement from Gabler. He promised the troopers he would “write it up.”

Local officials, citing safety and body odor concerns, have announced that “riff raff” will not be allowed at the annual “Celebrate Erie” Festival.

UPDATE: Celebrate Erie has been cancelled due to lack of visitors.

A new study shows an alarming rise in girth in volunteer fire chiefs in areas not serviced by paid fire departments.

Mayor Joe Sinnott has announced the installation of a large power switch in Perry Square, and is asking that the last person left in Erie turn it off before they go. “This switch will control the power for the downtown area, and we don’t want to needlessly waste electricity once the town is abandoned. So I’m asking the last one out to flip the switch as they make their way to someplace safer, and more economically vibrant.

As a side note – by the end of the first week, the switch was already riddled with bullet holes.

How can drinking lead to good health? That’s a question that Peter Tompkins, MD, has an answer for. “Most drinkers are deficient in Vitamin D, which comes from sunlight,” says Dr. Tompkins. “That’s why the city of Erie’s Block Parties are good. Instead of drinking in a dark bar, you can have your booze and get some healthy sunshine.” Block Party regular John Yawlus agrees. “Man, I hardly ever see the sun.” I usually go right from work to the bar.”

In an effort to boost viewership of its weeknight newscasts, WICU has announced that co-anchor Amanda Post will sing the evening news beginning next week.  “We plan on using major key music for positive stories, and minor key for bad news” says Post. “What we’re having problems with right now is finding rhymes for ‘heroin.” Not to be outdone, co-anchor Mike Ruzzi will rap his segments. “I’m looking at doing it in the vein of Snoop Dogg; nothing too gangsta” said Ruzzi.

Local educator Dr. William Garvey has announced he is joining NAMBLA. “It’s an organization with which I have much in common. I share the same passions that all NAMBLA members share. You could say it’s almost an uncontrollable urge.” When asked what has drawn him to NAMBLA, he answered “It all goes back to my coaching days. Watching those boys running up and down the court, I felt that I could always do more with them than just teach them basketball.” NAMBLA, which stands for National Association of Mercyhurst Basketball Lovers in America, has recently expanded their membership. When asked for a comment, retired judge Michael Palmissano said “With everything I’ve heard and read, I’m not at all surprised Dr. Garvey has joined this group. The only real surprise is that he has publicly…oh wait. It’s a college booster group? OK, never mind.”

Officials at UPMC have announced a merger with Country Fair. Ted Gross, spokesman for UPMC stated: “At UPMC, patient care has always been on the list of things we care about.  With this merger, we can profit from the cigarettes and unhealthy food when our future patients buy it, and then profit again when they need our services later. It’s win-win.” He then added “For us.” The chain of convenience stores will henceforth be called “UPMC Country Fair.”