The Erie Diocese has announced that St. Jude, patron saint desperate causes, will no longer respond to prayers published in the local Pennysaver. “St. Jude deserves better than to have a prayer to him published in the Pennysaver,” said Diocese spokesman Stanley McCloskey. “If you really want your prayer answered, spend some money and put it in the Erie Times. Or even better, buy space in our bi-weekly FaithLife newspaper.”

In additional Diocese news, there will be two collections at masses this week. “The first one will be for the usual expenses” said the spokesman. “The second one will be for… something else. Just trust us.”

Caplan Company was the site of a large gathering of people yesterday who decided to follow the company’s advice by stopping, then looking. “It’s been like this all day” said store spokesman Dave Bidini. “Apparently people driving by are seeing our sign so they’re stopping. And looking.” Bidini added, “The trouble is they’re not buying. I guess people don’t need Tibetan pepper shredders or saffron extruders. Maybe we should change the logo to ‘If you fry, stop and buy.’”

There was a report of a minor accident when a patron decided to look without stopping. “I can’t stress enough how important it is to stop first, then look,” said Bidini.

With the Christmas season underway, local convenience stores are busy preparing for the annual rush of robberies that comes with this festive time of the year. “Convenience stores must prepare for the holidays just like retail stores” said Circle K manager Donita Sparks. “This year, we’re getting ready for the holiday robbery season by putting new height markers on the doors, cleaning the security camera lenses, and rigging the register so that the clerk can push one button that will open the cash draw and alert the police.”

Not to be outdone, Country Fair has announced that in order to reduce holdups chain wide, they will close their store at 8th and East Avenue each day at sunset.

Joe Pernice, a novice local discount shopper, was recently confused upon entering the new Dollar General in Lake City. “Nothing in this place costs a dollar,” said Pernice. “How can they call it ‘Dollar General’ then? Everything at Dollar Tree is a dollar, so what gives?” Store spokesman Davis Manning says this happens all the time. “This is a daily occurrence; not only this location, but at the other 72 Dollar Generals in Erie County. People think we’re an actual dollar store. I guess the name is a little misleading, although there are no generals here either.” As for Pernice, he left his beef jerky on the counter, pocketed his dollar, and walked out. “I’m heading over to Family Dollar now. I shouldn’t have a problem there.”

EmergyCare has launched a new rewards program that will provide people who frequently overdose on heroin the opportunity to earn a free dose of the revival drug Narcan.

Users will be given a punch card that offers the tenth dose free. “We saw other businesses using punch cards and thought we could try it,” said EmergyCare spokesman Mike Belitsky. “For example, I’m only 23 cups of coffee away from a free one at Starbucks, so I’ll keep going back. Just like we want people calling EmergyCare when they need Narcan.”

Attempts to reach heroin users for comment were unsuccessful as there was no response after knocking on several McDonald’s restroom doors.

Local developer Rick Griffith, known for his positive messages on signs around town, has apparently given up hope on Erie.

The positive words on the many signs around town have been changed to messages of resignation, possibly due to the recent announcement of layoffs at General Electric.

Examples include “That’s It – I’m Packing My Bags,” written on the sign at 12th Street and Liberty, “…But at Least We’re Getting an IHOP,“ on 12th Street east of Greengarden, and the succinct message in the accompanying photograph.

Attempts to contact Griffith for comment were made very half-heartedly and not followed through upon.

With the recent announcement from Scott Enterprises of their plans to build a trampoline park in Summit Township, UPMC Hamot has formed a task force to deal with the expected increase of injuries to their emergency department. “We are currently looking to expand our sports injury department so we can adequately deal with the influx of new trampoline injuries,” said UPMC Hamot spokesperson Morris “Moe” Munney. “The potential earnings are incredible. We could even surpass our record revenue for this year! Bringing in new sources of revenue is a top priority for UPMC.” Mooney then paused. “That and patient care. Yep, that’s kind of important too. Yes, patient care is certainly on the list as well…” he added as he slowly walked back to his office.

A new study, commissioned by one of the 647 organized groups with fancy names trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with this town, has issued its final report.

In its summary, released yesterday, the study concluded that the city “is just fine the way it is”.

The task force architects examined the data and conclusions of the 646 other reports on the future of the city, and drove around town talking to people and looking at things.

“Seriously, what a great little town you have here,” it wrote in its summary. “And that New York Lunch on East Avenue … Wowser!”

If anything, Erie seems to be suffering from a kind of municipal hypochondria, seeking out specialist after specialist to tell them exactly what is wrong with them.

“A city is a bunch of people living in the same space together.  In most respects, Erie is doing just that,” it read.

The study group did have some harsh words for the city’s whiny detractors.

“Sure, Erie has its problems,” the conclusion stated.  “A disappearing middle class, abandonment of the city proper for the sterile suburbs, the elimination of living-wage jobs, and a clear preference for low-priced national franchises over local establishments.  Well, guess what?  Welcome to America!

“It’s not like a bunch of Martians came down and forced you to do all this.  These are the choices you’ve been making for the last 75 years, and now you have the result of those choices.  So, grow up!”

Another problem the study noted regards younger people who have visited much larger cities and now expect their hometown to be the same – except with cheap housing and pepperoni balls.

“It is strongly recommended,” the study states, “ that if you want to act all urbane and hip, move to Austin or Portland or wherever they have indie movie houses and overpriced craft beers…

Like the overwhelming majority of cities in America, Erie has never been, and will never be, a major metropolitan area.”

“Duh!” the report concluded.

Local Developer Nick Scott has opened the first in a chain of lemonade stands to compete with the ones that pop up in Erie from time to time. “When I’m being driven around town, I see these stands all over.  So I had an idea to bring a chain of them to Erie,” said Scott. He continued, “I think people in Erie want a change from the mom and pop corner lemonade stands.” When asked if this would affect sales at neighborhood stands, Scott replied, “I’m not looking to put local lemonade stands out of business, I just want people to buy all their lemonade from Scott Enterprises.”  Scott is also said to be working on a plan to bring a pepperoni ball chain to Erie.

 Life’s essential mystery was solved last week by an Erie man whose Letter to the Editor factually and definitively proved that God does not exist.

Bart Brucewin, a professed atheist, had sparred for years with Christians in the Letters to the Editor page of the Erie Times-News.  The battle was fierce and well-fought, with average readers wavering between atheism and devout faith in a Supreme Being, depending on whose letter was published that day.

But Brucewin’s letter last September 16th – under the headline ”Stop being such idiots” –  finally settled the issue.  The letter was so convincing, so unassailable in its logic, that even the most devout believers were forced to concede defeat.

“I’ve got to admit, he’s right”, said Florence Gumbleton, a former Methodist and past opponent in the Letters page.  “Now I just have to figure out what to do with my Sundays.”

Brucewin passed up the opportunity to gloat when contacted by Gooferie last evening.

“I knew that if I could just put down on paper what I knew in my head to be true, people would finally understand,” he said.

Meanwhile, he declined comment on a letter published yesterday, which claimed that Brucewin’s September 16th letter contains a coded message predicting the end of the world, which will happen on August 11, 2019.