GateHouse Media, the out-of-town owners of the Erie Times-News, has announced its acquisition of the Valpak Company. The two Erie businesses will merge into a single product called the Erie Val-News.

Effective May 1, readers will receive their newspaper in those familiar blue envelopes mailed directly to homes in the tri-state area. Individual coupons, mixed in with traditional Valpak deals, will contain national and local news articles, the sports section, and one coupon for comics – with the exception of “Rex Morgan, M.D.”, which will have its own individual coupon because, well, obviously …

The media conglomerate’s statement, released yesterday, reads in full:

“Gatehouse is committed to continuing its proud tradition of acquiring, then sucking the life-blood out of once-vital local newspapers. Now, in addition to state-of-the-art articles by our veteran team of two interns and Pat Howard, the Erie Val-News will offer fantastic savings on pizza and tree stump removal services. A reader checking for, say, Aunt Kimberly’s viewing hours will also have the opportunity to pick up a great deal on garage door openers. Any questions? No? Great! … Oh, and by the way, your town is adorable!”

Gooferie contacted the Erie Times-News for comment, but no one was there.

Responding to complaints from lower eastside residents, the oft-fined Erie Coke plant has decided to add pleasant scents to mask the unpleasant odor from the benzene emissions. According to Erie Coke Spokesperson Bob Gerunkel, the scents will change often.

“We understand that the odor can sometimes be off-putting, so starting in spring, we will add floral scents to the smoke – much like incense, or potpourri. The first scent will be lilac – starting April 30th,” said Gerunkel.

When asked if the new scents will mean less danger to those who breathe the air, Gerunkel replied,
“No. Oh, no. No. No. No. Not in the least.”

“Our position is that residents of the lower east side who complain about the emissions are simply taking too deep a breath of air. We would ask them to try and work with us by taking shorter breaths.”

Erie Coke also plans a series of “Throwback Scents” that will run every Thursday during the summer, beginning with the odor named “Hammermill -1975” on June 27th.

For a schedule of the scents, Gerunkel encourages all concerned citizens to check out Erie Coke’s Facebook page, providing they can stop coughing long enough to correctly type in the web address.

In an exclusive interview Gooferie is hearing from Presque Isle coyote “Peninsula Pete” about his role in assisting Corgi puppy Waffles though his 60 hour ordeal. Last Sunday Waffles went missing after wandering on to the icy breakwaters of Lake Erie. Waffles endured more than two days and nights of frigid cold until he was found on Tuesday evening. “Yeah well he didn’t endure all that on his own.” said Pete, an Eastern Coyote and longtime resident of Presque Isle State Park. “Me and my pack helped the little guy.” When asked to elaborate Pete said he first noticed Waffles struggling on the ice late Sunday evening. “We go out on the ice a lot.” said Pete. “Lots of critters get stuck on the ice this time of year and well…you know…easy meal for us.” Pete went on to say that he and his pack led Waffles off the frozen lake. “We said he could hang with us for a while. I mean just because he’s Welsh doesn’t mean a fellow canine can’t lend a helping paw, right? I have nothing against immigrants.” Pete continued to say that he made sure Waffles was safe and warm. “But we couldn’t keep him with us forever so we led him to the road where his humans could find him.” Pete then expressed his disappointment at receiving no press, thanks or recognition for his role in helping Waffles. “All we’re hearing now is Waffles, Waffles, Waffles.” said Pete. “We yotes always get the shaft.” Gooferie reached out to Waffles for a comment. We did not hear from Waffles directly but his publicist told us that Waffles has nothing to say on this subject at the present time. “He just wants everyone to know that he loves you all, thanks you for your support and will not let this new found celebrity go to his head. He will be the same humble, adorable, brave, awesome little Corgi that he has always been.”

A whole bunch of people will be running for Harborcreek Supervisor in the coming term. The current supervisor, a guy who we think is named Joe, is apparently leaving the position and will not be seeking re-election. Many candidates are throwing their hats into the ring to fill the vacant seat. We’re not sure how many but it looks to be about 5 or 6. We can confirm that one of them is named Bob. When asked what they can bring to the supervisor job each candidate blathered on about how they are extremely qualified to serve the Harborcreek community. It is unclear what the Harborcreek supervisor actually supervises. Harborcreek itself is a county or township or borough somewhere in east Erie, PA. It is well known for being the location of a now defunct but rather quaint little mall.

People who have unused, unwanted or expired medications can dispose of them Friday by taking them to “Dan”, who will be collecting them free of charge.

“Dan”, no address listed, is collecting unwanted medication from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. on the southeast corner of 10th and Peach. There is no charge for the collection, which is being done in support of National Prescription Drug Take Back Day.

Medications must be in their original containers and personal information on vials should be concealed. People can also take nonprescription and over-the-counter medications.

Officially, no illegal substances, needles or other medical devices will be accepted, but “Dan” says he will work with you on that.

The central figurehead of Christianity has announced that He is severing ties with all churches in the Dioceses of Pennsylvania. “I just can’t anymore with these guys.” Jesus said earlier today. The Incarnation of God the Son expressed frustration with the PA Grand Jury’s recent revelatory reports. “They use my name all the time “ He said with obvious disgust.  “But these sick bastards and the jerks that protected them do not represent me or my teachings at all.” Jesus went on to say “If I had a shekel for every time I gave these deplorable old men the chance to do the right thing and they didn’t, I’d be a very wealthy messiah.”  When asked specifically about Erie’s list of abusers, Jesus sighed and shook his head. “Oh yeah.” He said. “The Diocese of Erie has been on my shitlist for a very long time. Especially since the whole Garvey thing. I mean that dude was one evil SOB. And the people who protected that pervert? Well, let’s just say they won’t be meeting ME in the afterlife.”

 The Erie Bureau of Code Enforcement, facing a shortage of state and federal funds, has announced a new plan to fight urban blight in the city.

Code Enforcement will begin a pilot program of installing facades in front of decrepit houses to mask the homes’ true appearances.

“There are so many vacant houses, and we were getting behind on demolition,” according to Andy Zimmerman, manager of Code Enforcement. “So, we are rolling out this façade program – starting on the lower west side.”

The plan calls for facades to be placed directly in front of deteriorating houses, so that people walking or driving by will not notice the true state of the house.

“Were going for what real estate agents call ‘curb appeal’” said Zimmerman.

Phase two of the plan will begin in the spring, when  Code Enforcement will be adding cardboard cutouts of friendly neighbors in the windows of the facades.

A visitor to the annual Polish festival Zabawa was slightly injured today, as a beer barrel got loose and rolled over him.

According to Zabawa spokesman Zbigniew Piędziesięciogroszówka, the incident occurred when the beer barrel was rolled out prematurely. “Unfortunately, Zygmunt Zulowski, the barrel keeper, released the barrel before the gang had all gotten here.”

Zulowski was apparently confused by someone saying “Zing Boom Terraral” which was his cue to let loose the barrel.

As the keg was barreling toward the crowded pierogi stand, world renowned tuba player Myron Wlada heroically hurled his tuba in front of the berserk barrel, which altered its path, thus avoiding the long line of hungry attendees.

The barrel then changed direction, and headed towards Walter and Ethel Blue, who were attending Zabawa with their sons Stan and Johnny. Luckily, they were able to run away from the rolling barrel. “I guess you could say that when the barrel was rolled out, it got the Blues on the run,” said Piędziesięciogroszówka.

The barrel did find one victim, Wally Rzeszutko, who was visiting from Canonsburg. Rzeszutko was struck and fell to the ground, knocking him out temporarily.  “I thought I was a goner,” said Rzeszutko. “I had a vision that I was in heaven – I looked around for a beer, but there wasn’t any. I guess the old song was right.”

To appease the injured patron, Piędziesięciogroszówka announced that Rzeszutko could enjoy unlimited cabbage rolls and Tyskie beer for the remainder of the festival.

The Lake Erie College of Osteopathic Medicine has just announced their latest fast track medical degree program. LECOM spokesman Ross Sewitch explained that the medical college needed to accommodate students who don’t have 8 years to commit to a rigorous course of study. To accomplish that, LECOM will now be offering an Associate of Medical Doctorin’ certificate program which will begin in September of 2018. According to Sewitch the program will cost exactly the same as their 4 year D.O. program but will “get the students in and out of our campus at a much more accelerated rate.” To qualify, potential students must have a high school diploma or GED. “But really we’re open to anyone who can pay.” says Sewitch. “An 8th grade graduation diploma will work, too.”  Upon completing the coursework, LECOM’s Associate of Medical Doctorin’ graduates will be fully qualified to practice medicine at Millcreek Community Hospital.

With his vacation time approved, Erie resident Turner Donaldson has finished preparations for his three-day journey through the West 12th Street Popeye’s drive-thru.

“I drive by every day and see how busy it is,” said Donaldson. “I figured I’d plan my vacation around getting some of that chicken. I’m actually taking four days’ worth of supplies in case I get stuck in post-church traffic.”

The journey will be fraught with peril, as Donaldson expects loud horn honking, frequent cursing, and irate customers yelling about being given the wrong dipping sauce.

The itinerary for the trek has been carefully planned, based on observations of the drive-thru traffic the last few weeks.  Donaldson says day one will be spent turning into the parking lot and getting in line. He estimates that by late afternoon on day two, he will be at the speaker to place his order. If all goes well, day three will see Donaldson triumphantly receiving his chicken and biscuits, which he plans to take home to his family.

Donaldson originally considered bringing his three-year old daughter but thinks the journey will be too harsh for so young a child.

Donaldson has already banked some vacation time next year, just in case a Red Robin opens nearby.