gooferie

In an effort to boost viewership of its weeknight newscasts, WICU has announced that co-anchor Amanda Post will sing the evening news beginning next week.  “We plan on using major key music for positive stories, and minor key for bad news” says Post. “What we’re having problems with right now is finding rhymes for ‘heroin.” Not to be outdone, co-anchor Mike Ruzzi will rap his segments. “I’m looking at doing it in the vein of Snoop Dogg; nothing too gangsta” said Ruzzi.

Local educator Dr. William Garvey has announced he is joining NAMBLA. “It’s an organization with which I have much in common. I share the same passions that all NAMBLA members share. You could say it’s almost an uncontrollable urge.” When asked what has drawn him to NAMBLA, he answered “It all goes back to my coaching days. Watching those boys running up and down the court, I felt that I could always do more with them than just teach them basketball.” NAMBLA, which stands for National Association of Mercyhurst Basketball Lovers in America, has recently expanded their membership. When asked for a comment, retired judge Michael Palmissano said “With everything I’ve heard and read, I’m not at all surprised Dr. Garvey has joined this group. The only real surprise is that he has publicly…oh wait. It’s a college booster group? OK, never mind.”

Officials at UPMC have announced a merger with Country Fair. Ted Gross, spokesman for UPMC stated: “At UPMC, patient care has always been on the list of things we care about.  With this merger, we can profit from the cigarettes and unhealthy food when our future patients buy it, and then profit again when they need our services later. It’s win-win.” He then added “For us.” The chain of convenience stores will henceforth be called “UPMC Country Fair.”

Looking to cut back on preparation time for “Take Back the Site” vigils, the Sisters of St. Benedict have announced they will hold a preemptive vigil at 6th and Wallace on Tuesday, August 4th at 7:00 p.m. “We figure it’s just a matter of time…so why not get it over with now.” Said Sr. Carol Somebody. She added, “At least it…” before scrambling away after hearing gunfire.