gooferie

In an effort to increase public participation in city government, Erie city council has installed a cash bar in council chambers. Even Mayor Joe Sinnott is  aboard with the idea, saying “Council is accustomed to listening to incoherent ramblings, so nothing much will change.” The Mayor added the he will start attending council meetings as soon as they get a karaoke machine.

Erieites seem to be in favor of the bar. “A bar? At a city council meeting? I might have to stumble over for that,” said Sherlock’s patron Steve Caton.

City council members will rotate bartending duties, and will offer special drinks such as:

The “Bagnoni” – a martini served with a tiny fedora on a toothpick.

The “Tullio” – a shot and a beer with a dash of Brylcreem.

The “Filippi” – you just pay your money and get nothing in return.

In light of the great results of the latest El Nino on our weather, the Erie Chamber of Commerce is putting together a series of “Heat up the Pacific Ocean” cruises beginning in March of 2016. The ships employed will all have infrared heaters strapped on the hull, pumping out 25,000 BTU’s a minute during each 4 day cruise. Chamber spokesperson Steve Caton stated “We can go anywhere anyone wants in the Pacific, provided it only takes 2 days to get there!”  Only hot beverages will be provided, and patrons will all be invited to “Put their own “P” in the Pacific.” Peek’n Peak owner Nick Scott is reportedly unhappy with the Chamber’s plan, though he could not be reached for comment as he was out playing golf.

The Erie Diocese has announced that St. Jude, patron saint desperate causes, will no longer respond to prayers published in the local Pennysaver. “St. Jude deserves better than to have a prayer to him published in the Pennysaver,” said Diocese spokesman Stanley McCloskey. “If you really want your prayer answered, spend some money and put it in the Erie Times. Or even better, buy space in our bi-weekly FaithLife newspaper.”

In additional Diocese news, there will be two collections at masses this week. “The first one will be for the usual expenses” said the spokesman. “The second one will be for… something else. Just trust us.”

Caplan Company was the site of a large gathering of people yesterday who decided to follow the company’s advice by stopping, then looking. “It’s been like this all day” said store spokesman Dave Bidini. “Apparently people driving by are seeing our sign so they’re stopping. And looking.” Bidini added, “The trouble is they’re not buying. I guess people don’t need Tibetan pepper shredders or saffron extruders. Maybe we should change the logo to ‘If you fry, stop and buy.’”

There was a report of a minor accident when a patron decided to look without stopping. “I can’t stress enough how important it is to stop first, then look,” said Bidini.

With the Christmas season underway, local convenience stores are busy preparing for the annual rush of robberies that comes with this festive time of the year. “Convenience stores must prepare for the holidays just like retail stores” said Circle K manager Donita Sparks. “This year, we’re getting ready for the holiday robbery season by putting new height markers on the doors, cleaning the security camera lenses, and rigging the register so that the clerk can push one button that will open the cash draw and alert the police.”

Not to be outdone, Country Fair has announced that in order to reduce holdups chain wide, they will close their store at 8th and East Avenue each day at sunset.

Joe Pernice, a novice local discount shopper, was recently confused upon entering the new Dollar General in Lake City. “Nothing in this place costs a dollar,” said Pernice. “How can they call it ‘Dollar General’ then? Everything at Dollar Tree is a dollar, so what gives?” Store spokesman Davis Manning says this happens all the time. “This is a daily occurrence; not only this location, but at the other 72 Dollar Generals in Erie County. People think we’re an actual dollar store. I guess the name is a little misleading, although there are no generals here either.” As for Pernice, he left his beef jerky on the counter, pocketed his dollar, and walked out. “I’m heading over to Family Dollar now. I shouldn’t have a problem there.”

EmergyCare has launched a new rewards program that will provide people who frequently overdose on heroin the opportunity to earn a free dose of the revival drug Narcan.

Users will be given a punch card that offers the tenth dose free. “We saw other businesses using punch cards and thought we could try it,” said EmergyCare spokesman Mike Belitsky. “For example, I’m only 23 cups of coffee away from a free one at Starbucks, so I’ll keep going back. Just like we want people calling EmergyCare when they need Narcan.”

Attempts to reach heroin users for comment were unsuccessful as there was no response after knocking on several McDonald’s restroom doors.

Local developer Rick Griffith, known for his positive messages on signs around town, has apparently given up hope on Erie.

The positive words on the many signs around town have been changed to messages of resignation, possibly due to the recent announcement of layoffs at General Electric.

Examples include “That’s It – I’m Packing My Bags,” written on the sign at 12th Street and Liberty, “…But at Least We’re Getting an IHOP,“ on 12th Street east of Greengarden, and the succinct message in the accompanying photograph.

Attempts to contact Griffith for comment were made very half-heartedly and not followed through upon.

With the recent announcement from Scott Enterprises of their plans to build a trampoline park in Summit Township, UPMC Hamot has formed a task force to deal with the expected increase of injuries to their emergency department. “We are currently looking to expand our sports injury department so we can adequately deal with the influx of new trampoline injuries,” said UPMC Hamot spokesperson Morris “Moe” Munney. “The potential earnings are incredible. We could even surpass our record revenue for this year! Bringing in new sources of revenue is a top priority for UPMC.” Mooney then paused. “That and patient care. Yep, that’s kind of important too. Yes, patient care is certainly on the list as well…” he added as he slowly walked back to his office.

A new study, commissioned by one of the 647 organized groups with fancy names trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with this town, has issued its final report.

In its summary, released yesterday, the study concluded that the city “is just fine the way it is”.

The task force architects examined the data and conclusions of the 646 other reports on the future of the city, and drove around town talking to people and looking at things.

“Seriously, what a great little town you have here,” it wrote in its summary. “And that New York Lunch on East Avenue … Wowser!”

If anything, Erie seems to be suffering from a kind of municipal hypochondria, seeking out specialist after specialist to tell them exactly what is wrong with them.

“A city is a bunch of people living in the same space together.  In most respects, Erie is doing just that,” it read.

The study group did have some harsh words for the city’s whiny detractors.

“Sure, Erie has its problems,” the conclusion stated.  “A disappearing middle class, abandonment of the city proper for the sterile suburbs, the elimination of living-wage jobs, and a clear preference for low-priced national franchises over local establishments.  Well, guess what?  Welcome to America!

“It’s not like a bunch of Martians came down and forced you to do all this.  These are the choices you’ve been making for the last 75 years, and now you have the result of those choices.  So, grow up!”

Another problem the study noted regards younger people who have visited much larger cities and now expect their hometown to be the same – except with cheap housing and pepperoni balls.

“It is strongly recommended,” the study states, “ that if you want to act all urbane and hip, move to Austin or Portland or wherever they have indie movie houses and overpriced craft beers…

Like the overwhelming majority of cities in America, Erie has never been, and will never be, a major metropolitan area.”

“Duh!” the report concluded.