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The Lake Erie College of Osteopathic Medicine has just announced their latest fast track medical degree program. LECOM spokesman Ross Sewitch explained that the medical college needed to accommodate students who don’t have 8 years to commit to a rigorous course of study. To accomplish that, LECOM will now be offering an Associate of Medical Doctorin’ certificate program which will begin in September of 2018. According to Sewitch the program will cost exactly the same as their 4 year D.O. program but will “get the students in and out of our campus at a much more accelerated rate.” To qualify, potential students must have a high school diploma or GED. “But really we’re open to anyone who can pay.” says Sewitch. “An 8th grade graduation diploma will work, too.”  Upon completing the coursework, LECOM’s Associate of Medical Doctorin’ graduates will be fully qualified to practice medicine at Millcreek Community Hospital.

With his vacation time approved, Erie resident Turner Donaldson has finished preparations for his three-day journey through the West 12th Street Popeye’s drive-thru.

“I drive by every day and see how busy it is,” said Donaldson. “I figured I’d plan my vacation around getting some of that chicken. I’m actually taking four days’ worth of supplies in case I get stuck in post-church traffic.”

The journey will be fraught with peril, as Donaldson expects loud horn honking, frequent cursing, and irate customers yelling about being given the wrong dipping sauce.

The itinerary for the trek has been carefully planned, based on observations of the drive-thru traffic the last few weeks.  Donaldson says day one will be spent turning into the parking lot and getting in line. He estimates that by late afternoon on day two, he will be at the speaker to place his order. If all goes well, day three will see Donaldson triumphantly receiving his chicken and biscuits, which he plans to take home to his family.

Donaldson originally considered bringing his three-year old daughter but thinks the journey will be too harsh for so young a child.

Donaldson has already banked some vacation time next year, just in case a Red Robin opens nearby.

Officials are cautioning that the level of body odor in the air downtown will spike at a record or near record level this Friday.
Dr. Meghan Ansell, a biologist at Gannon University, has been providing body odor air quality levels for various zones in Erie for the past five years. “We measure body odor in the air using Olfactory Pungency Units (OPU) on a scale of 1-100, with 1 being a group of freshly showered people on the coldest day of winter, and 100 being Woodstock on day three,” explained Ansell.
Ansell is concerned that Friday’s forecasted high of 90 degrees, combined with thousands of sweaty people wearing leather jackets, could push the OPU into record territory.
“Normal OPU in the air downtown is about 25, but I’m forecasting it to get into the mid 80’s by sunset on Friday.”
The previous record high OPU was 84 at the Rib Fest in 2016. According to Ansell, that was caused by a combination of high temperatures, lack of adequate bathroom facilities, and meat sweats.

City officials are cautioning residents to not get their hopes up for this season’s Eight Great Tuesdays as they have announced that only three of the affairs will be of high enough quality to truly be deemed “great.”

“Three of them are going to great, no doubt,” according to spokesperson Belinda Butcher. “Additionally, two others are going to be very good, two are going to be OK, and one is really going to suck.”

Butcher would not elaborate on which Tuesdays would fit each category for fear of hampering attendance.

Reactions from those looking forward to the concerts were mixed. “I wish I knew which ones are going to be great,” said Erie resident Fran Davis. “I’d take friends from out of town to those ones. All they know about Erie is what they see on the news. Stuff like record snowfall and the pizza bomber.” Downtown resident Chester Turpin had a different take: “They’re all going to be great, because I plan on drinking heavily.”

Pennsylvania Lottery spokesgroundhog Gus was arrested this afternoon in Erie for indecent exposure while filming a commercial for the lottery’s newest $30 instant game, “You Just Lost 30 Dollars!”

Gus, who is always seen wearing a shirt but no pants, was taken into custody after an elderly lady happened upon the bare waisted rodent taking a break from the commercial shoot in a local park. “It was obscene, what he was doing!” said the lady, who did not wish to be identified. Gus claims he was only tending to an itch; and vowed to “keep on scratching” as he was led away in pawcuffs.

Fittingly, Gus was issued a ticket, which his cousin Phil will help pay.

Following a recent near dust-up between City Councilman Mel Witherspoon and a citizen, Erie City Council held an emergency session and voted 6-0, with one abstention, to add a regulation size boxing ring to council chambers.

To make room for the ring, council will be removing 30 seats which are never occupied anyway for meetings.

Council cited Erie’s often inclement weather, stating that it’s not always feasible to step outside to fight.  Therefore, the decision was made to have an indoor arena to settle disagreements between council and citizens.

Since council bylaws state that a citizen can’t address a specific council member, the citizen will be weighed and measured to match them up with a council member of similar height and weight – much to Liz Allen’s relief. Council also reminds residents that wagering is not allowed.

Upon hearing this recent development, Lou Bizzarro is said to be considering a run for council.

Inspired by the Millcreek School District’s decision to issue miniature baseball bats to its teachers, the Erie School District is now providing lacrosse sticks to its teachers for classroom defense.

“We saw what Millcreek did, and we are taking it a step further,” said ESD spokesperson Kate Schellenbach. “Baseball bats are OK, but we feel lacrosse sticks will be far more confusing.”

An intensive six-week training course will start next week, as the teachers will learn the seven- step technique and the four different grips that will allow the stick holder to defuse the situation.

The plan comes after 500 lacrosse sticks were recently found in the basement of Strong Vincent Middle School during renovations. “Apparently back in the mid-60’s, there was a push to have lacrosse teams at all local high schools,” said Schellenbach. “Therefore, this won’t cost taxpayers anything, but teachers will be responsible for buying their own grip tape.”

ESD is also urging teachers to keep sharpened pencils at the ready, in the unlikely scenario that the lacrosse sticks aren’t effective.

Former Erie County Executive Barry Grossman has followed up on his comments that there should be a monument honoring the late William Garvey by starting a GoFundMe page to raise money to build a statue.

“As I said in my earlier interview, Dr. Garvey had flaws, just but we need to look past those flaws, no matter how serious they were, and no matter how many young people were affected for the rest of their lives by his flaws.”

Grossman hopes to raise $250,000 for the statue. “I want it to be the tallest monument in Erie, as Dr. Garvey was the greatest man ever in the history of Erie.” When asked if he had any concerns due to the accusations against the late Dr. Garvey, Grossman replied, “These accusations came from poor and working-class people, so they are obviously lying.”

The site is up and running, and has many anonymous donations so far:

$25 from P.C. – “I am author-izing a check in honor of this saint of a man.”

$50 from G.B. – “I want to thank Dr. Garvey for putting me in the position he thought would be best.”

$25 from H.M. – “My wife made me donate this.”

$75 from M.D. – “I took the money I saved from not buying newspapers to make this donation.”

$50 from D.T – “Dr. Garvey was a good Catholic and did the right thing by simply moving to another institution when credibly accused of crimes against children.”

The White House announced today that President Trump has chosen a replacement for outgoing National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster. In less than a month McMaster will be stepping down from his post. The Trump administration’s third National Security Adviser will be live action dragon H. R. Pufnstuf. A White House staffer, on condition of anonymity, said that the president requested someone with a similar sounding name “so as not to be too confusing”. Pufnstuf is no stranger to politics having been mayor of Living Island since 1969. In that capacity he has consistently kept the island safe from witches. He is also said to be a good friend “when things get rough”.

Stretched out on a chaise lounge under a warm, bright sun shielded by a natural canopy of palm trees, former Erie School Superintendent James Barker casually informed “Paco,” a waiter at the exclusive resort where he was staying, that he would like a second beverage of the kind that was provided to him earlier.

As he was enjoying his libation, Dr. Barker took out his MacBook and found an article on the deteriorating Erie School District, which he had luckily escaped several years ago. As he read of the district’s dire circumstances, his eyes straining due to the reflection of his gold watch on the screen, Barker remarked, “Those poor bastards,” before clicking over to an online collection of Garfield cartoons. Lighting another cigar, he began chuckling heartily as his memories of Erie continued to fade away.