John Persinger, CEO of the Erie Downtown Development Corporation, announced today that the organization has acquired its biggest opportunity zone yet. Persinger revealed to Gooferie that the EDDC reached a deal with the Pennsylvania Bureau of State Parks to purchase Presque Isle.

“We have so many plans for this space,” Persinger said. First and foremost Persinger declared that a large area in the middle of the park will be cleared for an arena stadium to host the newly formed Flagship Curling Team. “Curling is the next big thing,” Persinger declared. “And this arena will seat thousands!”

He also stated that the peninsula’s two lighthouses will be demolished. “They’re eyesores with crumbling infrastructure. They have to come down.” The EDDC plans to put high rise beachfront residential condominiums in their place.

A plan to contain the park’s larger ponds was also revealed. “We’re keeping the water,” Persinger said. “But we’re adding an orca! The EDDC will have the world’s only freshwater orca tank built right into the existing ponds. Who doesn’t love orcas?”

The final stage of Presque Isle’s renovation will see the complete bulldozing of Gull Point in order to lay the foundation for Erie’s first all-season tapas bar. “I don’t think anybody really goes to that part of the peninsula anyway,” Persinger said. “But just to show we’re not completely heartless we are going to name the restaurant after the species we’ll be displacing. So next summer get ready for the grand opening of the Piping Plover Tapas Bar!”

Mayor Joe Schember, discouraged that his plan to bring a Chinatown to Erie has already been tabled, has announced his alternative idea. He would like to bring a Funkytown to Erie. ”I was driving home after the Chinatown idea went nowhere, and was inspired by a song I heard on the oldies station,” said Schember. “I think it could bring people into our city. There are a lot of out of towners who want to make a move to a town that’s right for them.” When asked when the groovy new neighborhood would be coming to the city, Schember said that would depend on City Council’s reception to the idea. “City Council and I are going to have to talk about it talk about it talk about it talk about it.”

In spite of the annual Presque Isle deer hunt held every year, the park’s deer population continues to increase. “The peninsula is a fragile ecosystem.’ says park ranger Rick Waschbar.

“The park can really only handle a deer herd of about 15 to 20 head, and right now there are over 100 deer out there.”  Waschbar said that the annual winter hunt has failed to significantly reduce the deer herd to a sustainable number. “The problem is that we are not getting enough hunters applying for the deer hunt here.” he told us. “On one hand they love the easy close range shot at a deer that’s very accustomed to people. On the other hand there is the very real concern that their fellow hunting bros will call them sissies for shooting tame deer.”

To solve this problem Waschbar approached Scott Mitchell of the Erie Zoo. “We brainstormed,” said Waschbar  “And Scott suggested putting a natural predator into the environment.”

Gooferie reached out to Scott Mitchell for a comment. “Yes, it’s true.” he confirmed. “We are releasing lions onto the peninsula. It’s win – win. We are saving a lot of money by not feeding the lions. Do you know how much it costs to feed a big cat?”

When asked how long the lions will be roaming Presque Isle, Mitchell was unable to give us a definitive answer. “It could be weeks.” he said. “Lions sleep for a long time after a big meal.”

Should park visitors be concerned about African lions free ranging on the peninsula? Mitchell addressed this question. “Not at all.” he said. “Well, maybe a little. Just, um, just don’t approach them, ok?”

Kyle Foust, four term member of Erie County Council, has apparently won the County Controller position by what some would call “nefarious means.” As of 10 am today the County Controller race was still too close too call. Mr. Foust, desperate to remain in county government after losing his seat on County Council was overheard talking to one “Mr. Mephistopheles” in an apparent conversation about the election results.

Gooferie contacted Mr. Foust about these allegations. He was reluctant to speak at first but finally admitted that the conversation did indeed take place. “We made a deal.” said Foust. “A kind of a bargain really. I forget what it’s called. Basically we made an exchange.” Foust went on to say that the exchange will not impact his efficacy as County Controller. “You don’t really need a soul to work for the government.” He said. More details as they become available.

After many years of trying to get a community college in Erie County, local leaders are giving that up to focus on something that is more attainable by announcing plans to open a clown college in the county.

“I know we need better paying jobs, but if we can’t have that, at least we can have a few laughs” said Community College Committee member Isobel Campbell.

Art Oligeri of Meeker Marshall Shoes stated, “This is great news. My store currently has a surplus of oversize shoes.”

“I guess there’s fundamentally not much difference between making a locomotive and making balloon animals,” stated Stuart Murdoch, who was recently laid off from Wabtec. “Except the pay rate, obviously.”

Besides making balloon animals, courses will include taking a pie to the face, tying comically oversized bowties and how to become an elected official.

County officials say there is a market for clown services, as children have birthdays approximately every year.

Higher than normal levels of aluminum in Erie’s tap water has concerned many residents in the city. Paul Vojtek, CEO of Erie Water Works, wants to put those concerns to rest. “Aluminum isn’t so bad really.” says Vojtek. “It’s an important metal. It has many benefits. Why, it’s the main component of aluminum foil! And we all use that, right?” Vojtek went on to ask “Why is everybody getting so hung up on the aluminum levels anyway? There are way more ingredients in Erie drinking water than just aluminum. There’s mercury, lead, asbestos. Heck there’s even Prozac! You can’t argue with free Prozac!” When asked about the danger of ingesting aluminum Vojtek said “Life is dangerous. You gotta live on the edge sometimes. “ Vojtek assured us that
Erie Water Works is always available to answer citizen’s questions. “As long as they’re not too annoying about it.”

Despite criticism of some recent advertisements UPMC Hamot vows to continue their aggressive local advertising campaign. “I realize some folks were upset with our new giant billboard in the airport’s baggage claim.” says UPMC Hamot spokesman Morris “Mo” Munney. “But we really just want to welcome visitors to Erie – and slip a little money to the airport of course.” As for their Hamot Stroke Center ad which encourages stroke victims to call 911 and insist on being taken directly to Hamot, Munney says “We need them to choose our first class facility while they can still speak.”

When asked what’s next in Hamot’s plan for billboard placement Munney revealed a new partnership with local funeral homes. “We have some very tasteful placards that will be placed above caskets.” he told us. Gooferie has obtained a first look at the proposed billboard which will be rolled out in local funeral homes next month. Says Munney “I know some people will say it’s in poor taste. But so was covering up a mural of Erie veterans and heroes and we got away with that. Remember, our goal is not to make a profit, it’s to make income over expenses. Oh, and patient care. That’s important too, I guess.”

Gooferie researchers have uncovered an amazing artifact from the Battle of Lake Erie. An extremely rare video of Oliver Hazard Perry welcoming sailors onto the Flagship Niagara. This video has not been seen in over 200 years!

The Erie Police Department is asking for the public’s help in finding the dork pictured
above in connection with a retail theft from WalMart.

The above pictured dork is easily identifiable by the “Moe” bowl haircut and goofy grin.
Erie Police are currently checking with all known lousy hair stylists in the area,
to see if this dorkus malorkus had been in the
barber chair within the last few weeks.

EPD advises that if you encounter the above dork, call
the Corry Barracks. Troopers caution not to engage the dork, as there
may be a chance his dorkiness could rub off on the general public.

With the lone bid for a proposed slide at Frontier Park coming in over budget, officials at the nonprofit group L.E.A.F. have changed plans, and will now build a catapult that will transport visitors from one end of the park to another.

According to spokesperson Bobby “Bo” Tannicle, the catapult will actually be an improvement over the slide. “The slide would have only taken people 40 feet. With the catapult, we can send people over 100 feet, and can land them in various sections of the park.”

Tannicle added, “Since safety of park visitors is a concern, those using the catapult will be required to wear a helmet.”

L.E.A.F. officials are currently checking out front lawns on the lower east side to gather used mattresses to cushion the landing zones.