Presque Isle Downs and Casino announced today that a blackjack dealer broke his leg during a game and had to be humanely euthanized. The dealer slipped on an errant ice cube and fractured his ankle, necessitating the on-call medical staff to erect a curtain behind which the employee was put down to end his suffering. “We use the curtain to make sure our customers don’t see what’s going on; we want our patrons to focus on having fun.”

Casino regular Nadine Colson witnessed the accident. “It was an ice cube in my scotch and Coke that he slipped on. I was going to pick it up once I finished my cigarette, but then I got on a hot streak and forgot about it. I hope that fellow is all right.” When informed that the worker had died, Colson responded, “That’s too bad, but at least I’m up 15 bucks!”

Newly converted Catholic Turner B. Donaldson will be forgoing Dominick’s famous meatball omelets for Lent. “Since this is my first Lent as a Catholic, I wanted to give up something that I’ll really miss – delicious meatball omelets,” said Donaldson. Normally Donaldson can be found at the table by the window in the longtime Erie eatery at 7:00am, enjoying the well-known breakfast treat. “I try to sit near the door for fresh air, since the smell of alcohol is still lingering from the overnight patrons.”

But will he be able to make it? “Just the thought of those giant meatballs, gooey cheese, and tomato sauce…Wow, this might be harder than I thought.”

When asked if there’s any other food that might help him get through the 40 days of Lent, Donaldson replied, “40 days? I thought it was 14! Oh, Christ.”

A law enforcement task force headed by the state Attorney General’s office arrested 15 people on drug charges today, and action that has removed over one tenth of one percent of all the drugs in Erie County.

“Efforts like this are crucial cutting off the drug supply in Erie, to stop drugs from getting to users,” according to Neil Osborne, a spokesman for the Attorney General’s office. “We estimate that nearly 100 drug users will now have to find different sources.”

“We would like this raid to serve as a warning to all those engaged in drug activity,” said Osborne. “If you choose to engage in this kind of activity, remember that there is a very, very small chance that you will be arrested.”

Magistrate Judge Elect Paul Bizzarro, whose answer on one of the four essay questions on the state magistrate exam was rejected due to illegible handwriting, claims this was due to his inkwell not being full and his quill pen not having a sharp point.

“That particular question was the hardest,” said Bizzarro, “so I skipped it originally. By the time I got back to it, my quill pen stopped working.” He added, “Looking back at it, I probably should have used a ballpoint.”

Bizzarro will now have to retake the exam before he can begin his job. In the meantime, he plans using his free time to prepare for the test by watching daytime TV court shows.

In what has already been a horrible year for rock and roll, 2016 has seen the death of yet another legendary rock musician. Bingo, the gorilla drummer for the legendary Banana Splits, was found dead in his Los Angeles home early this morning.  For years Bingo had been battling an on again, off again banana addiction.  His former Splits band members were quick to respond to the drummer’s death. “He wath the betht.” said Fleegle. Snorky the elephant was overcome when hearing about the sudden loss of his former bandmate but managed to choke out these few words: “Honk, honk, honk…honk.” Drooper was the last to pay tribute remembering their adventures together. “It was the capers, man.” He said. “I’ll never forget the capers.”

In light of the recent winter weather leading to several multi-vehicle accidents, the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation has announced that the section of Interstate 90 that crosses through the commonwealth will be closed until May 1st

“This is the only way to guarantee there won’t be any accidents,” said PennDOT spokesman Andy Hummel. “Plus it will save on salt.” Drivers who normally use the Interstate are asked to detour onto much safer roads, like Routes 5 and 20.

Local tow truck operators are not happy with this announcement. “Snowy days on I-90 are what put my seven children through college,” said Bobby Stinson, owner of Tow Jam Towing.

PennDOT says they may re-open I-90 in April if there’s a warm spell.

In yet another cost-cutting move, New Media, which recently purchased the Erie Times-News, has announced that they will print the already thin daily paper in miniature form.

“We are excited to get into the growing market of Erie, which I understand is somewhere in Pennsylvania,” said New Media president Michael Reed.  “This reduction in size is a cost cutting move, as we work to transition the Erie Times-News from a family owned local institution to an afterthought on a long list of corporate holdings. I asked many members of the Times staff about this change, but they all retired before I got any answers.”

New subscribers will receive a free magnifying glass and semi-unlimited access to Goerie.com.

In a cruel twist of fate, two of attorney Edgar Snyder’s favorite things combined to send him to the hospital yesterday as he was run over by a dog riding a motorcycle. Details are sketchy as to how the dog was operating the cycle, but the investigation is ongoing.

Snyder was in Erie to film a commercial where he walks into his Erie office to make it look like he actually works there, when the dog-driven motorcycle rounded a corner and ran over his foot. Snyder was quoted as saying, “There’s no fee…ling in my foot.” Contrary to his own advice, Snyder was seen talking to his insurance company as he was being loaded into an ambulance.

Snyder has retained the law offices of Berger and Green to handle his case.

In an effort to increase public participation in city government, Erie city council has installed a cash bar in council chambers. Even Mayor Joe Sinnott is  aboard with the idea, saying “Council is accustomed to listening to incoherent ramblings, so nothing much will change.” The Mayor added the he will start attending council meetings as soon as they get a karaoke machine.

Erieites seem to be in favor of the bar. “A bar? At a city council meeting? I might have to stumble over for that,” said Sherlock’s patron Steve Caton.

City council members will rotate bartending duties, and will offer special drinks such as:

The “Bagnoni” – a martini served with a tiny fedora on a toothpick.

The “Tullio” – a shot and a beer with a dash of Brylcreem.

The “Filippi” – you just pay your money and get nothing in return.

In light of the great results of the latest El Nino on our weather, the Erie Chamber of Commerce is putting together a series of “Heat up the Pacific Ocean” cruises beginning in March of 2016. The ships employed will all have infrared heaters strapped on the hull, pumping out 25,000 BTU’s a minute during each 4 day cruise. Chamber spokesperson Steve Caton stated “We can go anywhere anyone wants in the Pacific, provided it only takes 2 days to get there!”  Only hot beverages will be provided, and patrons will all be invited to “Put their own “P” in the Pacific.” Peek’n Peak owner Nick Scott is reportedly unhappy with the Chamber’s plan, though he could not be reached for comment as he was out playing golf.