Tragedy struck at Erie’s Tall Ships Festival this morning when a cannon from the Niagara misfired and shot a cannonball into the world’s largest rubber duck, deflating it within minutes.

Witnesses say the giant duck was floating about 30 yards from the Niagara when the shot was fired. “It’s a shame,” said festival patron Ernie, no last name given. “I’m awfully fond of that rubber ducky.”

Repairs are already underway as workers have gathered over 100 rolls of duck tape to patch up the hole.

The owners of the duck, Big Duck LLC, plan on sending the bill to the Niagara League. They will also submit an invoice for damages.

Volunteers at the annual Zabawa festival are working to replace a burned out light bulb that was located on the ceiling of the main tent. Festival spokesman Zbigniew Piędziesięciogroszówka said, “We have our best five men working on it. Right now the ladder is in place and we are determining who should climb it to get to the bulb.”

Piędziesięciogroszówka said this temporary inconvenience will not affect any other aspect of the festival, except that the popcorn booth may be short-staffed for a while.

In a related story, Myron Wladwa’s All-Tuba band will be taking the Zabawa stage an hour late, as they were stranded on an escalator earlier in the day due to a brief power outage.

Erie SeaWolves mascot C. Wolf is resting comfortably tonight after being shot while making a promotional appearance in West Springfield.

Mr. Wolf was posing for a photograph near a wooded area off Route 20 when a single shot, fired by hunter Hunter Danovitch, grazed his tail. Mr. Wolf immediately returned fire with his T-shirt gun, but missed Danovitch as the t-shirt unfolded mid-flight, landing only 15 feet away. “It was an accident, said Danovitch, “I thought it was a coyote on two legs.”

The mascot will be fine, according to team officials. “This is the first time I’ve ever been shot,” said Mr. Wolf, “and I’ve done five promotional tours of the lower east side.”

The Pennsylvania Game Commission will begin an investigation after the 7th inning stretch.

Waldameer Park has announced yet another expansion as they have just finalized the purchase of nearly two square feet of property bordering Peninsula Drive, according to park Spokesman Steve Gorman. “We’re always looking to expand our footprint so we can offer new experiences to park visitors,” said Gorman.

The small section of paved lot will house the new “Splash Puddle” attraction, according to Gorman. “The Splash Puddle will be for those youngsters that are too intimidated by the other water rides.” The Splash Puddle will be open for two hours after every rainstorm, or until it dissipates.

Gorman added that they are looking at expanding an additional foot or two at the west end of the park, and hope to add a bench.

In light of Bishop Lawrence Persico’s failure to cover up a sexual harassment scandal involving a priest from DuBois, The Vatican has announced that it is sending the Erie Diocese the “Scopa Autem Turpitudinum” (literally translated as “Broom of Shame”), to help the bishop sweep scandals under the rug.

“It’s our hope that the presence of this blessed broom will help keep any more scandals from reaching the ears of our parishioners,” said Bishop Persico. “I’m also asking all Erie Catholics to pray that the Diocese can get those that were harmed by the behavior of our clergy to sign the nondisclosure agreements.”

The bishop also announced that the sacred broom, which has been in use by the Church since the Middle Ages, will be kept in the sanctuary at St. Peter’s Cathedral. “The Erie Diocese will have the Scopa until another diocese needs it to cover up a scandal, so those wishing to view it should come sooner rather than later.”

Local officials are reacting to the results of a recent study that indicates that the area east of State Street to Bird Drive is legally considered part of the City of Erie.

“We had the city solicitor and a panel of lawyers look at the city’s charter and, unfortunately, the east side is part of Erie,” according to Mayor Joe Sinnott.

“It’s been a long time coming,” said lifelong East side resident Albert Smith as he kicked an empty shell casing to the curb. “Maybe the mayor will even cross State Street and visit. We do have some good sub shops over here.”

When told of the sub shops, the mayor said, “Hmm, I just might roll my office chair over there someday – during daylight, of course.”

Erie’s new future focused partnership, Emerge 2040 is in the beginning stages of preparing for the organization’s future insolvency. “Oh there’s no way we’re even going to make it until the year 2040.” said spokesman Perry Stalzis. “Are you kidding me?” Stalzis further stated that the infighting and misappropriation of funds has already begun, thus setting the stage for Emerge 2040’s eventual dissolution. “We’re talking a big game.” said Stalzis. “You know, future of Erie looks bright, bringing in businesses, revitalizing downtown Erie blah, blah, blah; but nobody here is really sure what we’re doing.”  When asked what to expect from Emerge 2040 in the near future Stalzis stated  “Oh, the usual stuff from organizations guiding Erie into the future; an announcement that nobody would cooperate with each other and that we’ve gone bankrupt with a huge debt.” Stalzis has already started tagging items in his office for the eventual bankruptcy auction.

After years of assaulting the eardrums of local television viewers, American Freight announcer Steve Belford has decided to tone it down on the advice of doctors. “MY DOCTOR WANTS ME TO CUT DOWN ON CAFFEINE,” said Belford before lowering his voice. “I’m sorry – my doctor said my caffeine intake is too high. So I’m going to cut down. This will also help my family, who are all suffering from hearing loss due to everyday conversations.”

Belford usually downs a large coffee and three or four Red Bulls before recording, but now will only drink decaf before entering the studio. “I THINK ERIE RESIDENTS…excuse me – I think Erie residents will welcome the change.”

Belford also says he plans meet the guy who does the Hallman Chevrolet ads to give him some advice. “I’m planning on meeting him at the loading docks – next to Dunn Tire, across from Bob Evans.”