“Big” Al Boomer, owner of L’il Willie’s Fireworks in Erie, reported he slept very well last night despite hundreds of reports of illegal fireworks activity in the City of Erie. “Fortunately for me, my profits from the illegal use of fireworks that I sell have furnished me with a house outside the city, where I can sleep in peace, away from the near war zone that envelops Erie every year at this time,” said Boomer, as he lit a fine Cuban cigar with a $100 bill. “I even strategically market to those areas of Erie that City Council ignores; the lower west side and the entire east side.”
When asked if his customers should be using the fireworks legally and with consideration of others, Boomer said that would ruin his business. “Law-abiding, considerate people are the worst customers. If everyone followed the fireworks laws, I would go broke. My boat is already two years old. If I told people they could only buy fireworks if they use them legally, there’d be no way I could buy a new boat next year.”
As far as veterans being traumatized, Boomer remarked, “those brave men and women fought for my right to make a highly marked up profit selling goods that have no legal use in the City of Erie. In fact, I think I’m helping the police in getting them some overtime over the holiday weekend.”
When asked about his plans for next July Fourth, Boomer stated, “I plan on going to Harrisburg and lobbying to get ‘The House Rattler,’ legalized.
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