Scientists Warn Of Clamdemic

Scientists are warning of a new invasive species encroaching upon the waters of Lake Erie. “They are extremely dangerous.” says Dr. Marlin Gill, marine biologist at Penn State Behrend. Dr. Gill told us that the Piranha Toothed Zebra Mussel is a cause for great concern.
According to Dr. Gill this newly discovered species of mollusk is about 300 times the size of a regular zebra mussel. “But they pack a powerful bite. They will certainly be a grave danger to swimmers, waders, and people near the shoreline.”
In addition to enormous razor sharp teeth, Dr. Gill went on to say that the Piranha Toothed Zebra Mussel is also quite venomous. “They have a compound in their saliva that completely removes a person’s pain threshold.” he told us. “Also they seem to be greatly attracted to the sound of human screaming. One mussel bites and hundreds of others then come to complete the kill.”
Dr. Gill says that Piranha Toothed Zebra Mussels can skin an adult human in less than 15 minutes. “Unfortunately they seem to enjoy the process so they tend to drag it out for considerably longer.”
When asked the source of this mollusk invasion Dr. Gill says it has not yet been determined. “We have it narrowed down to Michigan, Canada or Asia.” He told us he would get back to us with that information after consulting with “Marine biologists at the real Penn State. You know. The main campus.”