gooferie

The Circle K market at 26th and Cherry hasn’t been robbed in nearly five weeks – and clerk Gerald Love is not happy about it. “The only time this job is interesting is when I’m being robbed” said Love. “I get to be on the news, and meet some nice cops.” Love’s manager, Donita Sparks, doesn’t quite understand his enthusiasm, but appreciates it nonetheless. “He volunteers for the late night shift all the time. He has a good way with robbers; he makes them feel at ease” said Sparks. As for Love, he will continue to wait behind the counter for the next incident. “I think it’s going to be soon; we’ve never gone more than six weeks without a robbery” said Love, as he spied a suspicious vehicle pulling into the parking lot.

City officials have closed the fountain in Perry Square due to elevated levels of E. Coli that were found during daily testing. “We’re looking at possible causes” said city parks spokesman Jay Ferguson.  “It could be the storm last night that churned up the water.” Other possible causes include pigeons, unleashed dogs, and that weird guy that sleeps on a nearby bench. Ferguson warns that people wanting to wade in the fountain should wear three layers of footwear. The fountain will reopen when levels reach the “Barely Acceptable” range.

As they do before hunting season starts, local gun safety advocates have announced that they will have a gun safety check before the start of the school year.  The first two checks will be held at East and Strong Vincent High Schools.  “We will set up a table outside the school and examine each gun being brought in to make sure it’s in good working order” said program coordinator Kevin Shields. “We feel this gives peace of mind for both the students and the faculty.” In the future, Shields hope to expand this program to include knives and brass knuckles.

The latest effort to thwart the invasive Asian Carp from entering the Great Lakes has failed. Officials had tried a new gill net with a geometrical pattern to try and block the invasive species, but they have figured out a way to get through the nets. “You have to hand it to those Asian carp” said gill net inventor Dr. Thomas Tarsic. “We thought the geometrical pattern would thwart them, but they figured it out almost immediately.” When asked what the next step would be, Tarsic stated: “We’re going to make the next net taller; maybe that will work.” Upon hearing this, Dr. Anthony Kim, Tarsic’s research partner, shook his head and left the room for his 2:00 appointment with the HR manager.

Five lucky contestants are currently living on a school bus for a contest sponsored by a local radio station Happi 92.7. The five participants, all unemployed, will try to outlast one another to win the grand prize – free rent on the bus for the duration of the contest. Contestant James Destri is enjoying the experience.  “I’m used to being on the short bus, so this is like a mansion to me.” Contestant Jennifer Pierce has a strategy that she says will win her the prize: “I have my boyfriend bring me Taco Bell every day.” Station officials say that if no one leaves the bus after the first two weeks, they will try and hasten the exodus by playing their station on the bus 24 hours a day.

The German Heritage Festival made a surprise incursion into Zabawa in a pre-dawn raid which netted the Germans a case of Tyskie beer and an accordion. Zabawa officials were taken by surprise. “It’s like 1939 all over again, except without all the bad stuff” said Zabawa spokesman Walter Gerbik.  Zabawa officials were carefully examining a pair of lederhosen that was left behind for more clues.

Citing many incidents where people have overdosed in the restrooms at the McDonald’s at 12th and Sassafras and 5th and State, the restaurant has announced that they will open a separate overdose room next to the restrooms. Said a spokesman: “We’ve had too many patrons waiting to use the restroom while someone is OD’ing in there, so we thought it best to open a separate room just for that purpose.” Patron Raymond McGinley is happy about the change. “Those Big Macs don’t stay in my system too long, and I can’t tell you how often I’ve had to wait for the EMT’s to finish their work. It’s win-win…except for the person who OD’d, of course.”

For the first time in its 70 year history John V. Schultz is not having a sale. Nothing will be 50-60% off and there will be no free financing for up to five years. “It’s something that we’ve never tried before” said store spokesman John Fay. Erieites are not sure what to make of this announcement.  Local resident James Destri will miss the ads during the morning news. “I count on seeing their commercials every morning.  The loud announcer really wakes me up. Now I guess I’ll have to wake up to the Unclaimed Freight guy.” The furniture store promises the sales will start back up again tomorrow, with their annual Arbor Day sale, which they are calling their “biggest sale yet.”

A local auto repair shop at 12th and Peach that has been called an “eyesore” will become a museum of automotive history according to it’s owner . “I’ve been collecting cars and parts for years in order to start this museum. People see it as an eyesore, but I see it as a history of the automotive industry. I figure the city wouldn’t shut down a community asset like a museum.” Part of the museum will be devoted to a scientific experiment to see if Fords or Chevrolets rust faster. “In 20 years, I’ll have my answer,” said the owner. “My money’s on Chevys.”

Local diner Norman Blake was pleasantly surprised when he was greeted by a chorus of “Welcome to Moe’s” upon entering the restaurant at 12th and Pittsburgh. “I was touched to the point of tears”, said Blake. “The fact that these busy people, hard at work, would take a moment and greet me like that, well, it just made my day.” Blake was later kicked out of the restaurant for getting tears in the “El Guapo” salsa.