gooferie

Despite his many commercials featuring him always saying “yes,” local auto dealer Superstore Joe recently said “no” to a telemarketer when asked if he wanted to purchase a vacation cruise package to Aruba.

The telemarketer, a heavily accented man by the name “Freddy”, had apparently seen the commercials, and figured he was in for an easy sale. Joe took the opportunity to try and sell Freddy a Fiat, which led to the telemarketer cursing him out in Italian.

Superstore Joe then angrily ended the call by telling Freddy, “I wanna see ya – get diarrhea.”

Joe then placed a call to a local DJ, who spent the entire conversation pretending to be amazed at the deals being offered.

With the recent announcements of UPMC Hamot sponsoring the Erie Seawolves ballpark and Highmark Saint Vincent sponsoring the Liberty Park amphitheater, Millcreek Community Hospital has decided to get in the game by buying the naming rights for the port-a-potty at Gridley Park.

“We’ve seen what Hamot and Saint Vincent have done and want to let Erieites know that we are technically a hospital, too”, said spokesperson Ross Sewitch. “That’s why we are proud to announce that this port-a-potty will now proudly be known as the Millcreek Community Hospital Relief Center.”

The ribbon cutting ceremony was delayed when Mr. Sewitch forgot to bring the ribbon, so a roll toilet paper was used instead.

“I hope people think of our facility every time they use this facility.” said Sewitch.

Tragedy struck at Erie’s Tall Ships Festival this morning when a cannon from the Niagara misfired and shot a cannonball into the world’s largest rubber duck, deflating it within minutes.

Witnesses say the giant duck was floating about 30 yards from the Niagara when the shot was fired. “It’s a shame,” said festival patron Ernie, no last name given. “I’m awfully fond of that rubber ducky.”

Repairs are already underway as workers have gathered over 100 rolls of duck tape to patch up the hole.

The owners of the duck, Big Duck LLC, plan on sending the bill to the Niagara League. They will also submit an invoice for damages.

Volunteers at the annual Zabawa festival are working to replace a burned out light bulb that was located on the ceiling of the main tent. Festival spokesman Zbigniew Piędziesięciogroszówka said, “We have our best five men working on it. Right now the ladder is in place and we are determining who should climb it to get to the bulb.”

Piędziesięciogroszówka said this temporary inconvenience will not affect any other aspect of the festival, except that the popcorn booth may be short-staffed for a while.

In a related story, Myron Wladwa’s All-Tuba band will be taking the Zabawa stage an hour late, as they were stranded on an escalator earlier in the day due to a brief power outage.

Erie SeaWolves mascot C. Wolf is resting comfortably tonight after being shot while making a promotional appearance in West Springfield.

Mr. Wolf was posing for a photograph near a wooded area off Route 20 when a single shot, fired by hunter Hunter Danovitch, grazed his tail. Mr. Wolf immediately returned fire with his T-shirt gun, but missed Danovitch as the t-shirt unfolded mid-flight, landing only 15 feet away. “It was an accident, said Danovitch, “I thought it was a coyote on two legs.”

The mascot will be fine, according to team officials. “This is the first time I’ve ever been shot,” said Mr. Wolf, “and I’ve done five promotional tours of the lower east side.”

The Pennsylvania Game Commission will begin an investigation after the 7th inning stretch.

Waldameer Park has announced yet another expansion as they have just finalized the purchase of nearly two square feet of property bordering Peninsula Drive, according to park Spokesman Steve Gorman. “We’re always looking to expand our footprint so we can offer new experiences to park visitors,” said Gorman.

The small section of paved lot will house the new “Splash Puddle” attraction, according to Gorman. “The Splash Puddle will be for those youngsters that are too intimidated by the other water rides.” The Splash Puddle will be open for two hours after every rainstorm, or until it dissipates.

Gorman added that they are looking at expanding an additional foot or two at the west end of the park, and hope to add a bench.

In light of Bishop Lawrence Persico’s failure to cover up a sexual harassment scandal involving a priest from DuBois, The Vatican has announced that it is sending the Erie Diocese the “Scopa Autem Turpitudinum” (literally translated as “Broom of Shame”), to help the bishop sweep scandals under the rug.

“It’s our hope that the presence of this blessed broom will help keep any more scandals from reaching the ears of our parishioners,” said Bishop Persico. “I’m also asking all Erie Catholics to pray that the Diocese can get those that were harmed by the behavior of our clergy to sign the nondisclosure agreements.”

The bishop also announced that the sacred broom, which has been in use by the Church since the Middle Ages, will be kept in the sanctuary at St. Peter’s Cathedral. “The Erie Diocese will have the Scopa until another diocese needs it to cover up a scandal, so those wishing to view it should come sooner rather than later.”

Local officials are reacting to the results of a recent study that indicates that the area east of State Street to Bird Drive is legally considered part of the City of Erie.

“We had the city solicitor and a panel of lawyers look at the city’s charter and, unfortunately, the east side is part of Erie,” according to Mayor Joe Sinnott.

“It’s been a long time coming,” said lifelong East side resident Albert Smith as he kicked an empty shell casing to the curb. “Maybe the mayor will even cross State Street and visit. We do have some good sub shops over here.”

When told of the sub shops, the mayor said, “Hmm, I just might roll my office chair over there someday – during daylight, of course.”