In a joint statement, Erie’s four sister cities have announced that they are ending their familial relationship with Erie, at least for the time being.
The four sister cities: Zibo, China; Lublin, Poland; Merida, Mexico; and Dungarvan, Ireland made the announcement after seeing recent stories coming out of Erie about job losses, drug overdoses, and crime.
“Every family has issues, but we feel that our sister Erie is not doing anything to help herself, and we can only do so much as we are so far away.” said Sheila MacColl, spokeswoman for the sister cities.
The four cities do want Erie to know that they still care for it, and are willing to accept Erie back into the family if it can improve its circumstances.

Dateline May 24, 1817

Neighbours of the Dickson Tavern, located at 2nd and French street in Erie, have filed a complaint with the city stating that the drinking establishment has become a nuisance.

Neighbor Jebediah Pike is leading the charge. “The loud fife music and general rowdiness has befouled the area for too long.  ‘Tis an affront to one’s ears.”

James Smith, who lives on the outskirts of town, two blocks away, stated “Ye cannot get to sleep at a decent hour, for the hearing of musket fire after an all-night ale bender will surely sully your slumber.”

Thaddeus Boatwright IV, who lives next door to the Dickson Tavern, states, “Not an evening goes by without at least one incident of drunken fisticuffs. I myself have found wooden teeth on my lawn during my morning travels to the outhouse.”

Several women in the neighbourhood were asked for their comment on the tavern, but were forbidden by their husbands to speak.

Smith’s Provisions, longtime purveyor of meat products for the Erie area, has announced that it is adding organic tofu to their list of products available for purchase.
The tofu made its debut at the new Erie County Farms last week, prompting long time Smith’s customer Neil Osbourne to declare, “What the hell is THAT?” as he loaded his cart with hot dogs and walked away from the tofu display at great speed.
Emily Haines, another loyal Smith’s buyer, remarked, “I’ll bet if you put enough Greek sauce on it, it might be OK.”
Smith’s spokesman Frank Hamm stated that they have already sold almost one package of the bean curd, and are expecting sales to double in the coming weeks.

UPDATE : Smith’s Organic Tofu has been discontinued due to lack of sales.

After receiving a call from alert employees early Wednesday morning, Erie police were summoned to the McDonalds at 5th and State where they found a disruptive elderly homeless man taking advantage of the restaurant’s famous senior citizens’ coffee discount.
Local officers, riding high on the wave of national publicity following the resolution of the Cleveland “Facebook Killer” case, immediately contacted the media to announce that they had apprehended infamous skyjacker D.B.Cooper.
More details as they become available.

Erie’s only remaining Radio Shack store in the Kmart Plaza on 26th Street will be closing its doors soon,   marking the end of the 1980’s in the Erie area.

Customers were upset to learn of the closing, including longtime patron Robert Harrison. “Where will I go if I need a new VCR cable?” asked Harrison. “Or size D dry cells?”

“This is where I got my radio controlled General Lee from ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’” said Danny Goffey, who was in the store looking for an adapter for his 8-track player. “Erie just won’t be the same without Radio Shack.”

The remaining inventory is being discounted, and the store will remain open until all supplies are gone. Customers wanting to check out the deals had better hurry, as a bus from Springhill Senior Living was just seen pulling into the parking lot.

Facing a budget shortfall, the Erie Zoo has announced that they will rent out their rhinoceros for special events such as birthday parties for children.

“It’s been very successful so far,” said a zoo spokesperson. “The children love the rhino and the danger is very minimal. We’ve only had a few minor gorings; nothing that required more than first aid.”

Parents who are interested in renting the rhino must provide insurance waivers for all children in attendance, as well as adequate water and 200 pounds of cabbage.

If you are interested in renting the rhino, call the Erie Zoo and ask for Mr. Lyon.