Bishop Reminds Catholic Women To “Know Their Place”

In a statement released by the Diocese of Erie today, Bishop Lawrence Persico has announced the distribution of hairshirts and chastity belts for local Catholic women. “Apart from the lady who cleans my residence and cooks my food I have never really had the experience of relating to women on a personal level. However, I do know that they are sinful creatures.” said Persico. “The Bible says as much.” He went on to say that he was deeply concerned that the female members of his diocese “are voicing their opinions too much. They are fornicating for pleasure and worse, they are using birth control. I think some of them even think they are equal to men in God’s eyes. We can’t allow that.” The Bishop has personally asked the Vatican to send him a few thousand cilices and chastity belts from their warehouse.  “They will be arriving in time for Sunday mass at St. Peter’s Cathedral” he said. “After communion I will personally distribute them to every good Catholic woman in our parish. And I will make sure that their husbands are given the keys to the belts.”

Glenwood Residents Concerned Common People Will Rent Neighborhood House

Gladys_Kravitz

Members of the Glenwood Association are expressing concern that a house in their neighborhood is being rented out to people who can’t afford to buy a house there.

“This is very unsettling,” said Glenwood resident Ron Cokun, “You should see some of the cars these renters are driving. Not one Mercedes or BMW – and some of the cars are over three years old!”

Peeking out her window as a car pulled into the driveway of the house in question, neighborhood resident Paula McMorris said, “You can tell by just looking at their hands that these people do manual labor for a living. My parents didn’t give me every advantage in life so I could live in a neighborhood with people like that!”

Board member Tom C. Baldt agreed, “There are other parts of the city where these renters would feel more comfortable, being around their own kind. Why can’t they go there?”

The Glenwood Association plans a meeting next week to address the issue. “We’re thinking of building a wall,” said Baldt. “I can’t risk having my children encounter regular people while they’re playing in the yard.” Baldt then grabbed his camera to photograph a man ringing the doorbell at his next-door neighbor’s house. “I think it’s just my neighbor’s brother, but you can never be too careful.”

 

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.