Officials at UPMC have announced a merger with Country Fair. Ted Gross, spokesman for UPMC stated: “At UPMC, patient care has always been on the list of things we care about.  With this merger, we can profit from the cigarettes and unhealthy food when our future patients buy it, and then profit again when they need our services later. It’s win-win.” He then added “For us.” The chain of convenience stores will henceforth be called “UPMC Country Fair.”

Looking to cut back on preparation time for “Take Back the Site” vigils, the Sisters of St. Benedict have announced they will hold a preemptive vigil at 6th and Wallace on Tuesday, August 4th at 7:00 p.m. “We figure it’s just a matter of time…so why not get it over with now.” Said Sr. Carol Somebody. She added, “At least it…” before scrambling away after hearing gunfire.