Gannon University announced today that the purchase of a giant bulldozer has been approved. Assistant spokesman Gary Groatsin has confirmed this. “Yes indeed,” he told us. “By this time next month Gannon will be the owners of a brand-new Komatsu 575A.”

Groatsin said that the dozer is one of the largest in the world. “It’s 38 feet tall and weighs 153 tons.”

The bid for the bulldozer was placed after concerns that protesters would try to block the demolition of some historic downtown Erie buildings. “Some local folks are super attached to these old structures.” Groatsin told us. “They want to preserve history or something like that. We were afraid that they might try something crazy, but none of these guys could stop a bulldozer with 1150 horsepower.”

Groatsin also believes that a huge bulldozer might stop future protests before they even begin. “In fact, it might even allow us to flatten properties we don’t even own. I mean, who’s going to argue with a Komatsu?”

Groatsin told Gooferie that the first order of business after the bulldozer is delivered is to find a piece of downtown property to raze in order to build an appropriately sized garage to store the new piece of equipment. “Also, we need to create a massive patch of dirt so we can drive it around a bit. President Iwanenko is really itching to get behind the wheel of this thing!”

Over a dozen swimming advisories for ostriches have been issued on and around Lake Erie for harmful algal blooms (HABs) by the Erie County Department of Health. Pet ostrich owners are advised to check the DOH website for updates to make sure the water is safe for their ostriches to swim.

Advisories are in place at Vista 3, Sturgeon Bay, Niagara Boat Launch, Ferry Slip, Presque Isle Marina, Perry Monument, Beach 11, Horseshoe Pond, East Avenue Boat Ramp and Lake Cliff (Lawrence Park) Boat Launch, Dobbins Landing, Liberty Park, Erie Yacht Club, South Pier, Avonia Beach, Eaton Reservoir and Grahamville Reservoir.

According to the DOH, an ostrich’s threshold to tolerate harmful algal blooms (HAB) is much lower than for humans as they tend to ingest more water when they swim, lick themselves when wet and have tendencies to eat algal mats. The DOH adds that this advice is also in effect for other types of pets, such as squirrels.

Following their successful shutdown of West 5th Street between Peach and State Streets for the last three years, the Erie Downtown Development Corporation announced that they will be closing West 4th From Peach to State for an indefinite period of time. According to CEO Drew Whiting, this is being done to facilitate the building of “some stuff.”

“We have no concrete plans at this time.” admitted Whiting. “Maybe some apartments, a sub shop; maybe even an indoor frolf arena. I dunno.”

When asked how long the streets would be closed, Whiting shook his head and replied, “Frankly we could be looking at a few years. Truth is, we kind of enjoy having the ability to block downtown travel.”

Whiting went on to say that plans would be more solid if former EDDC head John Persinger was still in charge. “We miss Percy around here.” he said. “He just took off to Australia. He doesn’t call. He doesn’t write. I mean would it kill him to pick up the phone once in a while?”

Many Erieites are wondering what has become of the quaint houseboats that used to dot Horseshoe Pond on Presque Isle. Reports of sinking homes and absent owners have disappointed the many drivers who used to enjoy gazing at these floating abodes.

So what happened? Penn State Behrend marine biologist, Dr. Marlin Gill, believes he has the answer. 

“They’re very expensive to maintain.” says Gill. “Water gets inside and down they go. A number of them are lying at the bottom of Horseshoe Pond” 

And the elusive owners? “That’s the thing!” Gill told us. “The people are down there too!”

Dr. Gill maintains that houseboat owners, often “absent” or rumored to be living in Pittsburgh, have adapted to underwater living. ”They wanted more privacy,” Gill says. “I mean how would you feel if people drove from all over just to stare at your home?”

Additionally Gill told us that the houseboats owners were a proud people that carried some shame from not being able to afford basic boat maintenance. “Kinda like the real Atlantis. Too much pride.Now they have their seclusion without having to pay for fixing their boats.”

Dr. Gill is preparing to present his thesis to his marine biologist peers. “If all goes well I’m expecting a transfer to the REAL Penn State. The main campus!”

Following on the heels of sudden closing of the Erie Reb Lobster, local entrepreneur Brian D’Addario has announced he will be converting the former eatery into Erie’s latest vape shop.

The new vape shop will join the other 99 vape shops currently operating in Erie County. When asked how his shop will differ from the many others, D’Addario stated “I am keeping the lobster tank, and will offer Cheddar Bay Biscuit flavored vape cartridges.” 

D’Addario admits that there is much competition will the large amount of vape shops locally. “Our market research shows that Erie can support all these vape shops, as the customer base keeps growing. If fact, older people are now getting into vaping. It used to just be young people, but now I have customers that are almost 25 years old. He is also keeping an eye on other potential locations. “I hear Olive Garden isn’t doing too well. I’m going to work on making some breadstick flavored vapes.”

An annual rite of spring is the opening of Sara’s Restaurant at the entrance to Presque Isle State Park and local man Delbert Stackhouse is already camped out to the first customer served come April 1st.  “I can’t wait for Sara’s to open,” said Stackhouse. “I brought enough food to last two weeks. I saved a bunch of Sara’s Greek dogs in my freezer, so I’ve been eating them ever since I got in line. I’m also having a porta-potty delivered…hopefully real soon.” 

Stackhouse is disappointed he wasn’t the first customer last year. “I got here a week before opening in 2023 and there were already a dozen people lined up. So I figured this year I would show up two weeks early. So far, so good.”  When asked about his loyalty to Sara’s, Stackhouse stated, “It’s the best restaurant in town. Where else can you get a Smith’s hot dog in Erie?” Stackhouse has vowed to continue this tradition every year until his cardiologist tells him to stop.

City planners have announced the recent hiring of “John Smith” to be the new Perry Square Santa. Smith, a resident of Mercer County, applied for the job yesterday and was immediately hired. A Parks Department spokesperson said that Mr. Smith had recently gotten a clean bill of health from UPMC Hamot and was ready to go to work that very day.