Following a lengthy meeting at a vacant lot somewhere on Parade Street, Erie’s numerous improvement groups have decided to merge into one unified group.  Going forward, this new group will be known as “The DevelopErie Innovation District Regional Growth Partnership Greater Erie Downtown Development Corporation Refocused 2040.” The organization’s new spokesperson Cecil Sparkmeyer says he imagines a smooth transition as everyone will work together for the betterment of our city. “We will be continuing the fine work that has already been started by the separate groups,” said Sparkmeyer. He added, “Basically, we plan on making many overly enthusiastic local news appearances talking about Erie’s bright future. Beyond that, well, I don’t know really. Maybe form some committees or something.”  Sparkmeyer added that he will continue to lead the new group until he finds a better job in another city.

GateHouse Media, the out-of-town owners of the Erie Times-News, has announced its acquisition of the Valpak Company. The two Erie businesses will merge into a single product called the Erie Val-News.

Effective May 1, readers will receive their newspaper in those familiar blue envelopes mailed directly to homes in the tri-state area. Individual coupons, mixed in with traditional Valpak deals, will contain national and local news articles, the sports section, and one coupon for comics – with the exception of “Rex Morgan, M.D.”, which will have its own individual coupon because, well, obviously …

The media conglomerate’s statement, released yesterday, reads in full:

“Gatehouse is committed to continuing its proud tradition of acquiring, then sucking the life-blood out of once-vital local newspapers. Now, in addition to state-of-the-art articles by our veteran team of two interns and Pat Howard, the Erie Val-News will offer fantastic savings on pizza and tree stump removal services. A reader checking for, say, Aunt Kimberly’s viewing hours will also have the opportunity to pick up a great deal on garage door openers. Any questions? No? Great! … Oh, and by the way, your town is adorable!”

Gooferie contacted the Erie Times-News for comment, but no one was there.