Inspired by the Millcreek School District’s decision to issue miniature baseball bats to its teachers, the Erie School District is now providing lacrosse sticks to its teachers for classroom defense.

“We saw what Millcreek did, and we are taking it a step further,” said ESD spokesperson Kate Schellenbach. “Baseball bats are OK, but we feel lacrosse sticks will be far more confusing.”

An intensive six-week training course will start next week, as the teachers will learn the seven- step technique and the four different grips that will allow the stick holder to defuse the situation.

The plan comes after 500 lacrosse sticks were recently found in the basement of Strong Vincent Middle School during renovations. “Apparently back in the mid-60’s, there was a push to have lacrosse teams at all local high schools,” said Schellenbach. “Therefore, this won’t cost taxpayers anything, but teachers will be responsible for buying their own grip tape.”

ESD is also urging teachers to keep sharpened pencils at the ready, in the unlikely scenario that the lacrosse sticks aren’t effective.

Former Erie County Executive Barry Grossman has followed up on his comments that there should be a monument honoring the late William Garvey by starting a GoFundMe page to raise money to build a statue.

“As I said in my earlier interview, Dr. Garvey had flaws, just but we need to look past those flaws, no matter how serious they were, and no matter how many young people were affected for the rest of their lives by his flaws.”

Grossman hopes to raise $250,000 for the statue. “I want it to be the tallest monument in Erie, as Dr. Garvey was the greatest man ever in the history of Erie.” When asked if he had any concerns due to the accusations against the late Dr. Garvey, Grossman replied, “These accusations came from poor and working-class people, so they are obviously lying.”

The site is up and running, and has many anonymous donations so far:

$25 from P.C. – “I am author-izing a check in honor of this saint of a man.”

$50 from G.B. – “I want to thank Dr. Garvey for putting me in the position he thought would be best.”

$25 from H.M. – “My wife made me donate this.”

$75 from M.D. – “I took the money I saved from not buying newspapers to make this donation.”

$50 from D.T – “Dr. Garvey was a good Catholic and did the right thing by simply moving to another institution when credibly accused of crimes against children.”