The latest effort to thwart the invasive Asian Carp from entering the Great Lakes has failed. Officials had tried a new gill net with a geometrical pattern to try and block the invasive species, but they have figured out a way to get through the nets. “You have to hand it to those Asian carp” said gill net inventor Dr. Thomas Tarsic. “We thought the geometrical pattern would thwart them, but they figured it out almost immediately.” When asked what the next step would be, Tarsic stated: “We’re going to make the next net taller; maybe that will work.” Upon hearing this, Dr. Anthony Kim, Tarsic’s research partner, shook his head and left the room for his 2:00 appointment with the HR manager.

Five lucky contestants are currently living on a school bus for a contest sponsored by a local radio station Happi 92.7. The five participants, all unemployed, will try to outlast one another to win the grand prize – free rent on the bus for the duration of the contest. Contestant James Destri is enjoying the experience.  “I’m used to being on the short bus, so this is like a mansion to me.” Contestant Jennifer Pierce has a strategy that she says will win her the prize: “I have my boyfriend bring me Taco Bell every day.” Station officials say that if no one leaves the bus after the first two weeks, they will try and hasten the exodus by playing their station on the bus 24 hours a day.

The German Heritage Festival made a surprise incursion into Zabawa in a pre-dawn raid which netted the Germans a case of Tyskie beer and an accordion. Zabawa officials were taken by surprise. “It’s like 1939 all over again, except without all the bad stuff” said Zabawa spokesman Walter Gerbik.  Zabawa officials were carefully examining a pair of lederhosen that was left behind for more clues.

Citing many incidents where people have overdosed in the restrooms at the McDonald’s at 12th and Sassafras and 5th and State, the restaurant has announced that they will open a separate overdose room next to the restrooms. Said a spokesman: “We’ve had too many patrons waiting to use the restroom while someone is OD’ing in there, so we thought it best to open a separate room just for that purpose.” Patron Raymond McGinley is happy about the change. “Those Big Macs don’t stay in my system too long, and I can’t tell you how often I’ve had to wait for the EMT’s to finish their work. It’s win-win…except for the person who OD’d, of course.”

For the first time in its 70 year history John V. Schultz is not having a sale. Nothing will be 50-60% off and there will be no free financing for up to five years. “It’s something that we’ve never tried before” said store spokesman John Fay. Erieites are not sure what to make of this announcement.  Local resident James Destri will miss the ads during the morning news. “I count on seeing their commercials every morning.  The loud announcer really wakes me up. Now I guess I’ll have to wake up to the Unclaimed Freight guy.” The furniture store promises the sales will start back up again tomorrow, with their annual Arbor Day sale, which they are calling their “biggest sale yet.”

A local auto repair shop at 12th and Peach that has been called an “eyesore” will become a museum of automotive history according to it’s owner . “I’ve been collecting cars and parts for years in order to start this museum. People see it as an eyesore, but I see it as a history of the automotive industry. I figure the city wouldn’t shut down a community asset like a museum.” Part of the museum will be devoted to a scientific experiment to see if Fords or Chevrolets rust faster. “In 20 years, I’ll have my answer,” said the owner. “My money’s on Chevys.”

Local diner Norman Blake was pleasantly surprised when he was greeted by a chorus of “Welcome to Moe’s” upon entering the restaurant at 12th and Pittsburgh. “I was touched to the point of tears”, said Blake. “The fact that these busy people, hard at work, would take a moment and greet me like that, well, it just made my day.” Blake was later kicked out of the restaurant for getting tears in the “El Guapo” salsa.

Local drivers were frustrated today as they were stuck behind a man driving the posted speed limit of 35mph on the Bayfront Parkway. “I was stuck behind him all the way from State Street to West 8th” complained motorist Andrew Scott of Millcreek. “I could have been home 15 seconds sooner if not for him.” The unidentified man also amazed fellow drivers when he signaled his turn onto Greengarden.

“Here’s Your 5 Cents”, a tribute band to the Nickelback tribute band “Dimefront” will play Celebrate Erie this summer  “It was a real coup to get a big name band like this to play Erie” said Mayor Joe Sinnott from behind his desk at City Hall. “Here’s Your Five Cents” is recognized in the tri-state area as the premiere Nickelback tribute band tribute band. “We try to emulate how Dimefront plays Nickelback’s songs. We keep everything in the same key as Dimefront, and try to avoid melody at all costs,“ said “Here’s Your Five Cents”  lead singer Jacob Briscoe. “I saw Dimefront last year in a bar in McKees Rocks, and it inspired me to buy a guitar and take a few hours to learn how to play all of their songs. It’s like having a dream, and in that dream your dream comes true.”

Looking to capitalize on the success of Eight Great Tuesdays, the newly launched “Seven So-So Wednesdays” got off to a slow start this week as only 23 people showed up for the free entertainment.

The main act was Billy Gazelle, who plays a KFC bucket with a spork.  “I’ve seen some good spork bucket playing, but this guy is the best. Apparently he came from Nashville.” said attendee Roy Woodford, no address listed.

The opening act was a guy with a yo-yo, and a woman who kept trying to cut the string, though it was apparent from the man’s frustration that she was not part of the act.

Next Wednesday will feature Mayor Sinnott singing karaoke.