Erie Zoo to Rent out Rhino for Birthday Parties


Facing a budget shortfall, the Erie Zoo has announced that they will rent out their rhinoceros for special events such as birthday parties for children.

“It’s been very successful so far,” said a zoo spokesperson. “The children love the rhino and the danger is very minimal. We’ve only had a few minor gorings; nothing that required more than first aid.”

Parents who are interested in renting the rhino must provide insurance waivers for all children in attendance, as well as adequate water and 200 pounds of cabbage.

If you are interested in renting the rhino, call the Erie Zoo and ask for Mr. Lyon.

Penelec Prepares for Annual “Destroyin’ o’ the Trees”


Spring is near, and with the change of seasons, Penelec has announced its annual tree destroying program will begin as soon as weather permits. The annual program involves cutting away branches that are near power lines.

Penelec spokesman Hy Raetz says “The trees that line our streets are just too beautiful.  People shouldn’t be outside admiring trees. They should be inside using electricity. Also, it’s probably a safety hazard.”

When asked if there was a standard procedure for removing branches, Raetz said, “The technical term is ‘directional pruning’, but we call it ‘the school bus rule’; meaning the branches should be separated from the wires by the width of a school bus.  The goal is to make it look as little like a tree as possible.”

When asked if he had advice for anyone who has a tree near a power line, Rates advised, “You should probably take a picture of it now, so you’ll have the memories.”

Local Man Announces Candidacy For Whatever


Erie resident Raymond McGinley has decided to join the scores of others who have thrown their hats into the ring for public office.

“It seems like every day I hear more and more people running for office, so I decided to join them,” said McGinley. “I don’t even care what office. I know I have to be a better choice than some of the other folks running. Like that guy with the yellow sweatshirt and bullet holes in his campaign signs, or that other guy who was caught on video very carefully not inhaling crack.”

When asked what issues he would address, McGinley stated, “the McBride Viaduct should be torn down. Or maybe we should keep it.  And crime – crime is bad, I guess. Also, I’d like to do something about the large number of people running for office.”

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