Boil Meth Advisory Issued for East Springfield


Following  the recent arrest of two people in East Springfield for allegedly operating a meth lab, Erie County officials have issued an advisory for East Springfield area meth users, recommending that they boil their meth due to high bacteria counts found in the seized supply.

“As a precaution, the meth should be boiled for 30 seconds in a pan of water,” according to a spokesman at the Erie County Department of Health.  “That should remove most of the bacteria.”

State police caution that while boiling the meth will remove any pathogens, the meth itself will still be very dangerous.

Superstore Joe Says “No” to Telemarketer


Despite his many commercials featuring him always saying “yes,” local auto dealer Superstore Joe recently said “no” to a telemarketer when asked if he wanted to purchase a vacation cruise package to Aruba.

The telemarketer, a heavily accented man by the name “Freddy”, had apparently seen the commercials, and figured he was in for an easy sale. Joe took the opportunity to try and sell Freddy a Fiat, which led to the telemarketer cursing him out in Italian.

Superstore Joe then angrily ended the call by telling Freddy, “I wanna see ya – get diarrhea.”

Joe then placed a call to a local DJ, who spent the entire conversation pretending to be amazed at the deals being offered.

City Council Enacts Clown Ban


Local clowns are crying on the inside today as Erie City Council has enacted a ban on clowns within city limits.

Council decided to enact the law in a meeting today, after fielding numerous calls from citizens about the recent rash of clown sightings and associated “funny business.”

Specifically, the ordinance bans fake lapel flowers, red noses, and bow ties over one foot in length. The law also includes a reminder that Pennsylvania’s open-carry laws do not apply to bottles of seltzer.

Council has also instructed city police to pull over any Volkswagen that contains 10 or more occupants, and to be on the lookout for oversize footwear that is “comical” in nature.

Mayor Joe Sinnott has stated he will sign the legislation “after this next karaoke song.”

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