Erie Diocese to get “Broom of Shame” from Vatican

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In light of Bishop Lawrence Persico’s failure to cover up a sexual harassment scandal involving a priest from DuBois, The Vatican has announced that it is sending the Erie Diocese the “Scopa Autem Turpitudinum” (literally translated as “Broom of Shame”), to help the bishop sweep scandals under the rug.

“It’s our hope that the presence of this blessed broom will help keep any more scandals from reaching the ears of our parishioners,” said Bishop Persico. “I’m also asking all Erie Catholics to pray that the Diocese can get those that were harmed by the behavior of our clergy to sign the nondisclosure agreements.”

The bishop also announced that the sacred broom, which has been in use by the Church since the Middle Ages, will be kept in the sanctuary at St. Peter’s Cathedral. “The Erie Diocese with have the Scopa until another diocese needs it to cover up a scandal, so those wishing to view it should come sooner rather than later.”

Local Kool-Aid Stand to Move Operations to Fort Worth

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Citing rising labor costs, ten-year old Kool-Aid stand owner Katie Nelson has decided to move her entire operation to Fort Worth Texas.

“A glass of Kool-Aid costs 50 cents, said Katie. “I’m paying my little brother Mikey five cents per glass he pours, and it’s killing me. The labor market in Fort Worth is different; I can pay someone four cents per glass. At the end of the year, that will add up to a bigger bonus for me.”

This move is despite record profits for the Kool-Aid stand located at the corner of 33rd and Liberty.  “I know that we’ve had record profits this year,” said Katie “but that only means the profits are higher this year than any other year.”

Mikey Nelson says his sister has offered him a position at the newly constructed stand in Fort Worth, but has decided against it because he would be taking a pay cut and losing his accrued sick and vacation time. “I’m expecting to be laid off any day now,” he said.

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