Emerge2040 Preparing For Bankruptcy


Erie’s new future focused partnership, Emerge 2040 is in the beginning stages of preparing for the organization’s future insolvency. “Oh there’s no way we’re even going to make it until the year 2040.” said spokesman Perry Stalzis. “Are you kidding me?” Stalzis further stated that the infighting and misappropriation of funds has already begun, thus setting the stage for Emerge 2040’s eventual dissolution. “We’re talking a big game.” said Stalzis. “You know, future of Erie looks bright, bringing in businesses, revitalizing downtown Erie blah, blah, blah; but nobody here is really sure what we’re doing.”  When asked what to expect from Emerge 2040 in the near future Stalzis stated  “Oh, the usual stuff from organizations guiding Erie into the future; an announcement that nobody would cooperate with each other and that we’ve gone bankrupt with a huge debt.” Stalzis has already started tagging items in his office for the eventual bankruptcy auction.

American Freight Announcer Switching to Decaf


After years of assaulting the eardrums of local television viewers, American Freight announcer Steve Belford has decided to tone it down on the advice of doctors. “MY DOCTOR WANTS ME TO CUT DOWN ON CAFFEINE,” said Belford before lowering his voice. “I’m sorry – my doctor said my caffeine intake is too high. So I’m going to cut down. This will also help my family, who are all suffering from hearing loss due to everyday conversations.”

Belford usually downs a large coffee and three or four Red Bulls before recording, but now will only drink decaf before entering the studio. “I THINK ERIE RESIDENTS…excuse me – I think Erie residents will welcome the change.”

Belford also says he plans meet the guy who does the Hallman Chevrolet ads to give him some advice. “I’m planning on meeting him at the loading docks – next to Dunn Tire, across from Bob Evans.”

Erie Insurance to Purchase Gannon University


Citing a need for more parking and green space around their headquarters, Erie Insurance has announced that they are buying Gannon University, and plan to raze all structures in the coming months.

“We have a budget surplus right now as we’ve been cutting down on paying claims,” said Erie Insurance spokeswoman Maura Dahlers. “There are no more private homes around us, so we’re turning to other property owners.”

Homeowners who live around Erie Insurance could not be reached for comment as there are no homeowners who live around Erie Insurance.

“If this expansion goes well, we’ll look at expanding north,” said Dahlers. “I think we can get Hamot at a good price.”

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