Zoo Guy Emerges From Hibernation


Erie “Zoo Guy” Scott Mitchell has emerged from his months-long
hibernation just in time to oversee the zoo’s spring re-opening.
“I’m fully rested and ready to go” said Mitchell as he emerged from
the red panda exhibit where he spent the last three months.
Mitchell admits that there were some breaks in his hibernation, as
there were a few times he gathered some animals for a ride on the
zoo train, as well as several jaunts on the carousel.
Admitting he was getting tired of eating bamboo with the red
pandas, Mitchell plans on thanking his animal hosts by taking them
out for a Dominick’s meatball omelet.


Splash Lagoon Macaw Can’t Retire on Just Minimum Wage


The macaw at Splash Lagoon wants to retire, but can’t afford to do so as he is still only being paid minimum wage, even though he’s worked as an entertainer at the water park for several years. “I’ve been squawking about a raise for years,” said the surprisingly verbose macaw, who declined to provide his name. “I’d like a beak to beak meeting with the owner, but he’s always next door eating.”

The macaw also has issues with his working conditions. “To have to breathe in chlorine while listening to children scream all day…I don’t know how my fellow human employees do it. And don’t get me started on that damn tiki water bucket. When that horn blasts I nearly fall off what’s left of my perch!”

If able to retire, the macaw plans to relocate to an actual lagoon.

Casino Worker Breaks Ankle; Is Euthanized

Euthanasia at PI Casino

Presque Isle Downs and Casino announced today that a blackjack dealer broke his leg during a game and had to be humanely euthanized. The dealer slipped on an errant ice cube and fractured his ankle, necessitating the on-call medical staff to erect a curtain behind which the employee was put down to end his suffering. “We use the curtain to make sure our customers don’t see what’s going on; we want our patrons to focus on having fun.”

Casino regular Nadine Colson witnessed the accident. “It was an ice cube in my scotch and Coke that he slipped on. I was going to pick it up once I finished my cigarette, but then I got on a hot streak and forgot about it. I hope that fellow is all right.” When informed that the worker had died, Colson responded, “That’s too bad, but at least I’m up 15 bucks!”

Local Man Giving Up Meatball Omelets for Lent


Newly converted Catholic Turner B. Donaldson will be forgoing Dominick’s famous meatball omelets for Lent. “Since this is my first Lent as a Catholic, I wanted to give up something that I’ll really miss – delicious meatball omelets,” said Donaldson. Normally Donaldson can be found at the table by the window in the longtime Erie eatery at 7:00am, enjoying the well-known breakfast treat. “I try to sit near the door for fresh air, since the smell of alcohol is still lingering from the overnight patrons.”

But will he be able to make it? “Just the thought of those giant meatballs, gooey cheese, and tomato sauce…Wow, this might be harder than I thought.”

When asked if there’s any other food that might help him get through the 40 days of Lent, Donaldson replied, “40 days? I thought it was 14! Oh, Christ.”

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