Erie Chamber Seeks to Boost El Niňo


In light of the great results of the latest El Nino on our weather, the Erie Chamber of Commerce is putting together a series of “Heat up the Pacific Ocean” cruises beginning in March of 2016. The ships employed will all have infrared heaters strapped on the hull, pumping out 25,000 BTU’s a minute during each 4 day cruise. Chamber spokesperson Steve Caton stated “We can go anywhere anyone wants in the Pacific, provided it only takes 2 days to get there!”  Only hot beverages will be provided, and patrons will all be invited to “Put their own “P” in the Pacific.” Peek’n Peak owner Nick Scott is reportedly unhappy with the Chamber’s plan, though he could not be reached for comment as he was out playing golf.

St. Jude to Stop Answering Prayers in Erie Pennysaver


The Erie Diocese has announced that St. Jude, patron saint desperate causes, will no longer respond to prayers published in the local Pennysaver. “St. Jude deserves better than to have a prayer to him published in the Pennysaver,” said Diocese spokesman Stanley McCloskey. “If you really want your prayer answered, spend some money and put it in the Erie Times. Or even better, buy space in our bi-weekly FaithLife newspaper.”

In additional Diocese news, there will be two collections at masses this week. “The first one will be for the usual expenses” said the spokesman. “The second one will be for… something else. Just trust us.”



People Who Cook Stopping; Looking

CaplanCaplan Company was the site of a large gathering of people yesterday who decided to follow the company’s advice by stopping, then looking. “It’s been like this all day” said store spokesman Dave Bidini. “Apparently people driving by are seeing our sign so they’re stopping. And looking.” Bidini added, “The trouble is they’re not buying. I guess people don’t need Tibetan pepper shredders or saffron extruders. Maybe we should change the logo to ‘If you fry, stop and buy.’”

There was a report of a minor accident when a patron decided to look without stopping. “I can’t stress enough how important it is to stop first, then look,” said Bidini.

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