Convenience Stores Prepare for Holiday Rush of Robberies

santastoreWith the Christmas season underway, local convenience stores are busy preparing for the annual rush of robberies that comes with this festive time of the year. “Convenience stores must prepare for the holidays just like retail stores” said Circle K manager Donita Sparks. “This year, we’re getting ready for the holiday robbery season by putting new height markers on the doors, cleaning the security camera lenses, and rigging the register so that the clerk can push one button that will open the cash draw and alert the police.”

Not to be outdone, Country Fair has announced that in order to reduce holdups chain wide, they will close their store at 8th and East Avenue each day at sunset.

Local Man Confused by Dollar Stores

dollar guy

Joe Pernice, a novice local discount shopper, was recently confused upon entering the new Dollar General in Lake City. “Nothing in this place costs a dollar,” said Pernice. “How can they call it ‘Dollar General’ then? Everything at Dollar Tree is a dollar, so what gives?” Store spokesman Davis Manning says this happens all the time. “This is a daily occurrence; not only this location, but at the other 72 Dollar Generals in Erie County. People think we’re an actual dollar store. I guess the name is a little misleading, although there are no generals here either.” As for Pernice, he left his beef jerky on the counter, pocketed his dollar, and walked out. “I’m heading over to Family Dollar now. I shouldn’t have a problem there.”

 

Narcan Punch Card Offered

NarcanPunchcardEmergyCare has launched a new rewards program that will provide people who frequently overdose on heroin the opportunity to earn a free dose of the revival drug Narcan.

Users will be given a punch card that offers the tenth dose free. “We saw other businesses using punch cards and thought we could try it,” said EmergyCare spokesman Mike Belitsky. “For example, I’m only 23 cups of coffee away from a free one at Starbucks, so I’ll keep going back. Just like we want people calling EmergyCare when they need Narcan.”

Attempts to reach heroin users for comment were unsuccessful as there was no response after knocking on several McDonald’s restroom doors.

Rick Griffith Gives Up

grfth

Local developer Rick Griffith, known for his positive messages on signs around town, has apparently given up hope on Erie.

The positive words on the many signs around town have been changed to messages of resignation, possibly due to the recent announcement of layoffs at General Electric.

Examples include “That’s It – I’m Packing My Bags,” written on the sign at 12th Street and Liberty, “…But at Least We’re Getting an IHOP,“ on 12th Street east of Greengarden, and the succinct message in the accompanying photograph.

Attempts to contact Griffith for comment were made very half-heartedly and not followed through upon.

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