UPMC Hamot Prepares for Opening of Trampoline Park

trampolineinjuryWith the recent announcement from Scott Enterprises of their plans to build a trampoline park in Summit Township, UPMC Hamot has formed a task force to deal with the expected increase of injuries to their emergency department. “We are currently looking to expand our sports injury department so we can adequately deal with the influx of new trampoline injuries,” said UPMC Hamot spokesperson Morris “Moe” Munney. “The potential earnings are incredible. We could even surpass our record revenue for this year! Bringing in new sources of revenue is a top priority for UPMC.” Mooney then paused. “That and patient care. Yep, that’s kind of important too. Yes, patient care is certainly on the list as well…” he added as he slowly walked back to his office.

New study concludes Erie “is doing just fine”

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A new study, commissioned by one of the 647 organized groups with fancy names trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with this town, has issued its final report.

In its summary, released yesterday, the study concluded that the city “is just fine the way it is”.

The task force architects examined the data and conclusions of the 646 other reports on the future of the city, and drove around town talking to people and looking at things.

“Seriously, what a great little town you have here,” it wrote in its summary. “And that New York Lunch on East Avenue … Wowser!”

If anything, Erie seems to be suffering from a kind of municipal hypochondria, seeking out specialist after specialist to tell them exactly what is wrong with them.

“A city is a bunch of people living in the same space together.  In most respects, Erie is doing just that,” it read.

The study group did have some harsh words for the city’s whiny detractors.

“Sure, Erie has its problems,” the conclusion stated.  “A disappearing middle class, abandonment of the city proper for the sterile suburbs, the elimination of living-wage jobs, and a clear preference for low-priced national franchises over local establishments.  Well, guess what?  Welcome to America!

“It’s not like a bunch of Martians came down and forced you to do all this.  These are the choices you’ve been making for the last 75 years, and now you have the result of those choices.  So, grow up!”

Another problem the study noted regards younger people who have visited much larger cities and now expect their hometown to be the same – except with cheap housing and pepperoni balls.

“It is strongly recommended,” the study states, “ that if you want to act all urbane and hip, move to Austin or Portland or wherever they have indie movie houses and overpriced craft beers…

Like the overwhelming majority of cities in America, Erie has never been, and will never be, a major metropolitan area.”

“Duh!” the report concluded.

Nick Scott Opens Lemonade Stand

nscottlnadeLocal Developer Nick Scott has opened the first in a chain of lemonade stands to compete with the ones that pop up in Erie from time to time. “When I’m being driven around town, I see these stands all over.  So I had an idea to bring a chain of them to Erie,” said Scott. He continued, “I think people in Erie want a change from the mom and pop corner lemonade stands.” When asked if this would affect sales at neighborhood stands, Scott replied, “I’m not looking to put local lemonade stands out of business, I just want people to buy all their lemonade from Scott Enterprises.”  Scott is also said to be working on a plan to bring a pepperoni ball chain to Erie.

Letter Writer Proves There Is No God

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 Life’s essential mystery was solved last week by an Erie man whose Letter to the Editor factually and definitively proved that God does not exist.

Bart Brucewin, a professed atheist, had sparred for years with Christians in the Letters to the Editor page of the Erie Times-News.  The battle was fierce and well-fought, with average readers wavering between atheism and devout faith in a Supreme Being, depending on whose letter was published that day.

But Brucewin’s letter last September 16th – under the headline ”Stop being such idiots” –  finally settled the issue.  The letter was so convincing, so unassailable in its logic, that even the most devout believers were forced to concede defeat.

“I’ve got to admit, he’s right”, said Florence Gumbleton, a former Methodist and past opponent in the Letters page.  “Now I just have to figure out what to do with my Sundays.”

Brucewin passed up the opportunity to gloat when contacted by Gooferie last evening.

“I knew that if I could just put down on paper what I knew in my head to be true, people would finally understand,” he said.

Meanwhile, he declined comment on a letter published yesterday, which claimed that Brucewin’s September 16th letter contains a coded message predicting the end of the world, which will happen on August 11, 2019.

Bishop Suspends Fr. Detisch For Two Masses; One Baptism

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In light of the recent controversy in the Erie Diocese due to Fr. Detisch’s ill-advised Twitter post, Bishop Lawrence Persico has decided to suspend Fr. Detisch for two masses and one baptism.

The bishop will also reduce Fr. Detisch’s clothing allowance, saying he hopes that Fr. Detisch will be humbled by actually having to buy “off the rack” at Wal-Mart. To his credit, Fr. Detisch says he is looking forward to visiting Wal-Mart, saying “It will give me a chance to meet some non-Prep grads.”

As for missing the baptism, Fr. Detisch said it’s not that big a deal, because the child “will probably end up attending a public school anyway.”

ZooBoo Fright Level Downgraded to “Meh…Not That Scary At All, Really”

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In past years, the Erie Zoo’s annual ZooBoo has been rated as “Scary…but not too scary”, but this year organizers have changed that to “Meh…Not  That Scary at All, Really “. Zoo spokesperson Miles Kovak explains: “In the past, there were just enough scary things to qualify us for the base level of scariness, but this year, we had to downgrade. Today’s parents just don’t want their children frightened.” In addition parental complaints have led to all candy being offered at ZooBoo to be certified non GMO, sugarless, gluten free, kosher, peanut free and organic. Kovak told us that the “scariest thing at ZooBoo this year will be the toothbrush giveaway. It reminds kids of the dentist.”

 

Valpak Coupon Redeemed

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In what is being called a first in the Erie area, local resident Jennifer Pierce actually used a coupon from Valpak that she received earlier this week.

“I usually just throw out all the coupons I get in the mail, but for some reason, I decided to open the Valpak. After throwing out the first 30 coupons, I noticed one for a shoe repair store, and I remembered I had a boot that needed fixed”

Pierce went to Joel’s Shoe Repair, and presented the coupon to the incredulous owner, Joel Plaskett. “I immediately took the coupon and framed it right next to the first dollar I ever made” said Plaskett.

The coupon’s redemption was also celebrated at Valpak’s headquarters. Upon hearing the news, Valpak General Manager Jody Stephens walked over to a map of the United States and placed a pushpin on Erie. “First one for Erie!” he exclaimed to his empty office. “I thought for sure it would be one of the carpet cleaning places.” Stephens is already at work for the next Erie mailer which he says will feature at least five gutter replacement coupons.

 

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