Back to School Gun Safety Checks Announced

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As they do before hunting season starts, local gun safety advocates have announced that they will have a gun safety check before the start of the school year.  The first two checks will be held at East and Strong Vincent High Schools.  “We will set up a table outside the school and examine each gun being brought in to make sure it’s in good working order” said program coordinator Kevin Shields. “We feel this gives peace of mind for both the students and the faculty.” In the future, Shields hope to expand this program to include knives and brass knuckles.

Asian Carp Really Good at Math

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The latest effort to thwart the invasive Asian Carp from entering the Great Lakes has failed. Officials had tried a new gill net with a geometrical pattern to try and block the invasive species, but they have figured out a way to get through the nets. “You have to hand it to those Asian carp” said gill net inventor Dr. Thomas Tarsic. “We thought the geometrical pattern would thwart them, but they figured it out almost immediately.” When asked what the next step would be, Tarsic stated: “We’re going to make the next net taller; maybe that will work.” Upon hearing this, Dr. Anthony Kim, Tarsic’s research partner, shook his head and left the room for his 2:00 appointment with the HR manager.

Contestants Live on Bus for Chance to Live on Bus Rent Free

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Five lucky contestants are currently living on a school bus for a contest sponsored by a local radio station Happi 92.7. The five participants, all unemployed, will try to outlast one another to win the grand prize – free rent on the bus for the duration of the contest. Contestant James Destri is enjoying the experience.  “I’m used to being on the short bus, so this is like a mansion to me.” Contestant Jennifer Pierce has a strategy that she says will win her the prize: “I have my boyfriend bring me Taco Bell every day.” Station officials say that if no one leaves the bus after the first two weeks, they will try and hasten the exodus by playing their station on the bus 24 hours a day.

German Festival Invades Zabawa

ZABAWA

The German Heritage Festival made a surprise incursion into Zabawa in a pre-dawn raid which netted the Germans a case of Tyskie beer and an accordion. Zabawa officials were taken by surprise. “It’s like 1939 all over again, except without all the bad stuff” said Zabawa spokesman Walter Gerbik.  Zabawa officials were carefully examining a pair of lederhosen that was left behind for more clues.

Downtown McDonalds To Open Special Overdose Room

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Citing many incidents where people have overdosed in the restrooms at the McDonald’s at 12th and Sassafras and 5th and State, the restaurant has announced that they will open a separate overdose room next to the restrooms. Said a spokesman: “We’ve had too many patrons waiting to use the restroom while someone is OD’ing in there, so we thought it best to open a separate room just for that purpose.” Patron Raymond McGinley is happy about the change. “Those Big Macs don’t stay in my system too long, and I can’t tell you how often I’ve had to wait for the EMT’s to finish their work. It’s win-win…except for the person who OD’d, of course.”

John V. Schultz Not Having Sale Today

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For the first time in its 70 year history John V. Schultz is not having a sale. Nothing will be 50-60% off and there will be no free financing for up to five years. “It’s something that we’ve never tried before” said store spokesman John Fay. Erieites are not sure what to make of this announcement.  Local resident James Destri will miss the ads during the morning news. “I count on seeing their commercials every morning.  The loud announcer really wakes me up. Now I guess I’ll have to wake up to the Unclaimed Freight guy.” The furniture store promises the sales will start back up again tomorrow, with their annual Arbor Day sale, which they are calling their “biggest sale yet.”

Local ‘Eyesore” To Become Car Museum

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A local auto repair shop at 12th and Peach that has been called an “eyesore” will become a museum of automotive history according to it’s owner . “I’ve been collecting cars and parts for years in order to start this museum. People see it as an eyesore, but I see it as a history of the automotive industry. I figure the city wouldn’t shut down a community asset like a museum.” Part of the museum will be devoted to a scientific experiment to see if Fords or Chevrolets rust faster. “In 20 years, I’ll have my answer,” said the owner. “My money’s on Chevys.”

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