Nickelback Tribute Band Tribute Band to play Celebrate Erie

file0002023993354“Here’s Your 5 Cents”, a tribute band to the Nickelback tribute band “Dimefront” will play Celebrate Erie this summer  “It was a real coup to get a big name band like this to play Erie” said Mayor Joe Sinnott from behind his desk at City Hall. “Here’s Your Five Cents” is recognized in the tri-state area as the premiere Nickelback tribute band tribute band. “We try to emulate how Dimefront plays Nickelback’s songs. We keep everything in the same key as Dimefront, and try to avoid melody at all costs,“ said “Here’s Your Five Cents”  lead singer Jacob Briscoe. “I saw Dimefront last year in a bar in McKees Rocks, and it inspired me to buy a guitar and take a few hours to learn how to play all of their songs. It’s like having a dream, and in that dream your dream comes true.”

Seven So-So Wednesdays Gets Off To Slow Start

yoyoguyLooking to capitalize on the success of Eight Great Tuesdays, the newly launched “Seven So-So Wednesdays” got off to a slow start this week as only 23 people showed up for the free entertainment.

The main act was Billy Gazelle, who plays a KFC bucket with a spork.  “I’ve seen some good spork bucket playing, but this guy is the best. Apparently he came from Nashville.” said attendee Roy Woodford, no address listed.

The opening act was a guy with a yo-yo, and a woman who kept trying to cut the string, though it was apparent from the man’s frustration that she was not part of the act.

Next Wednesday will feature Mayor Sinnott singing karaoke.

Port a Potty Explodes At Rib Fest

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No injuries were reported when a portable toilet exploded at the popular Erie Rib Fest.  Patrons had to waddle for cover around 7:15 last evening when the john blew. “It had been building up for some time” according to eyewitness Darren Mason. “It was the one right next to ‘Porky Pete’s Ribs and Beans’ and there were people constantly going in and out. One guy went in with a lit cigar, and that’s when pointed my scooter in the opposite direction and hit the gas.” Patrons were described as “severely out of breath” after trying to distance themselves from the carnage.

 

Waldameer Announces Pirate’s Cove To Be Urine Free By 2017

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Waldameer park has announced plans to eliminate all traces of urine from the “dark ride” known as the “Pirate’s Cove” by 2017. “This is quite an ambitious project for us” said park spokesman Neil Osborne, “for both time and cost, this project is the equal to the new wave pool. “Not all patrons are in favor though. “For me, it’s removing memories” said longtime park enthusiast Glen McDevers.  I first urinated in the Pirate’s cove in 1974 when I was 8 years old on a school picnic”. McDevers, now living in Pittsburgh, remarked “Every summer I bring my family up to Erie and smelling that urine is like stepping in a slighty fetid time machine.”

3 Run Over By Pay It Forward Truck

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Tragedy struck today as three people were struck by the Pay it Forward Truck. The three victims were running to the truck to be the first one to touch it, thus earning the $300 prize. The accident happened at mile marker 35 on Interstate 90. All three victims were taken to UPMC Hamot with undisclosed injuries.

The weekly contest features clues as to the whereabouts of the truck.  “Looking back at it, maybe the middle of I-90 was a bad place to have the truck” said contest sponsor and driver Andy Gabler. “Those people didn’t even wait for me to stop; they just ran out in the middle of the highway, hoping to be the first one to touch the truck.”

State police are still on scene waiting to take a statement from Gabler. He promised the troopers he would “write it up.”

“Riff Raff” not allowed at Celebrate Erie

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Local officials, citing safety and body odor concerns, have announced that “riff raff” will not be allowed at the annual “Celebrate Erie” Festival.

UPDATE: Celebrate Erie has been cancelled due to lack of visitors.

Rural Volunteer Fire Chiefs Getting Larger

firemanA new study shows an alarming rise in girth in volunteer fire chiefs in areas not serviced by paid fire departments.

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